Most every year in May, I miss the Kentucky Derby.
Some years I miss it altogether, but I usually hear about it on the news after it happens.
Some years I’m aware of it in advance, but am too busy doing other things to watch.
And some years, I actually plan to watch it…. but I’m driving to the Piggly Wiggly to pick up more BBQ sauce when the four-minute race actually happens. Or flipping to the weather channel to see how fast the green blob is moving toward us. Or putting in a load of laundry. (Don’t laugh. I did laundry once.)
With most sports, if you tune in a few minutes late, its no big deal. If it’s NASCAR, you’ll pick ‘em up on lap three. If it’s football, you’re still in the opening possession. If it’s our national pastime, baseball, you’re still in the top of the first inning, and some of the fans in the stand are still awake.
But if you miss the first few minutes of the Derby, it’s over.
Turns out, it really doesn’t matter much, because the only thing I know about horses anyway is their names. Which, I suspect, is the same for many spectators, including some who probably make wagers based solely on that piece of information.
I like the names they come up with for their racehorses. This year, the winner’s name was “Mine That Bird”… not to be confused with “Summer Bird”, who placed sixth. The rest of the field included names like “Chocolate Candy”, “Join the Dance”, “Atomic Rain”, “West Side Bernie”, and “Mr. Hot Stuff”.
I feel bad for the horses. How would you like to go through your whole life knowing the people who feed you also decided to name you “Nowhere To Hide” or “Desert Party”?
Human names are much easier to figure. Apparently, parents-to-be travel in packs, and subscribe to the herd mentality when choosing names for their bundles-of -joy.
Last week, the Social Security Administration released the list of the top names of newborn babies for last year. This list was topped by “Emma”, which replaced “Emily” as the most common name for girls; and “Jacob” as the top name for boys. (“Emily”, by the way, had been the top girls name for the last 12 years; “Jacob” has now been in the top spot for 10 straight years!)
The runner-up names – positions two through nine – were Isabella, Emily, Madison, Ava, Olivia, Sophia, Abigail, Elizabeth, and Chloe for girls; and Michael, Ethan, Joshua, Daniel, Alexander, Anthony, William, Christopher, and Matthew for boys.
The folks at Social Security also let us know which names are on the move, and which ones are falling like a rock. On their website – www.socialsecurity.gov – they share their full list of the 1,000 most common names for the year, along with other juicy tidbits:
This year’s winner for the biggest jump is Khloe, attributed to the popularity of Khloe Kardashian from the show “Keeping Up with the Kardashians.” Khloe with a K increased 469 spots to number 196 in 2008, up from 665 in 2007 and 960 in 2006 (her first year on the list). Also, Chloe with a C is in the Top 10 for the first time ever.
Another fast riser is Miley, moving up 152 spots to number 127 for 2008, a rather impressive increase given this is only her second year on the list. On the downside for fans of Miley Cyrus’ fictional character, the name Hannah fell out of the Top 10 and landed down at number 17.
Jacoby had the biggest increase for the boys, moving up 200 spots to number 423, attributed to the appeal of last year’s star rookie Red Sox centerfielder, Jacoby Ellsbury.
Barack, they tell us, did not make this year’s top 1,000 boy’s list, but it did set what is believed to be a record by skyrocketing more than 10,000 spots in rising from number 12,535 in 2007 to 2,409 in 2008.
And Elvis, they report, is still shakin’ at number 713, but fell on the charts from 673 in 2007.
And, although the Social Security name-watchers did not include this in their annual press release, and as hard as it is to believe, for the umptieth year in a row, the name “Rod-Boy” failed to make the list at all. Apparently, out of the four millions kids born last year, nobody in America had the ingenious foresight to give their newborn that brilliant name: “Rod-Boy”!
(And probably only a handful of horse owners!!!)
Tune in next week, when we’ll take a look to see what Americans are naming their cats, dogs, boats and hurricanes these days.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Happy Mom's Day
There is a famous quote attributed to Abraham Lincoln… something along the lines of: "All that I am, I owe to my Mother".
I could say that, too… but right here before Mother's Day, do I really want to put all the blame on her?
There’s a whole bunch of great stories I could recount for you in this column, to note the occasion of Mom’s Day. Some of them are even true!
Like the one year, when I was a pre-teen, and as one of my chores, was supposed to have taken down the bright multi-colored Christmas lights, which had been strung along the top of the house, which happened to be on Main Street. To be sure, I had unplugged the electricity… but January had passed, along with February and March… and I still hadn’t gotten around to actually taking them down. And then, along about Easter, Mom came home from work late one evening – well after dark – and was horrified to discover that somehow, that bright strand of holiday lights had gotten plugged in… and we were the only house in town accidentally displaying bright Easter lights all night long!!!!
Like my five years of piano lessons that she paid for… which turned out to be a huge waste money… just like that day I practiced my piano lesson similarly turned out to be a bit of a waste of time. (Fortunately, the five years of tap dancing lessons were a very wise investment. Have you SEEN me on the dance floor?!!!)
I think back to the late afternoons she would come pick me up after some sort of ball practice or other activity – whenever I called to say it was time. Mind you, this was before the days of cell phones, so she would have already gotten home from a full day’s work. (Did you ever “click” a pay phone? Usually, I didn’t have a dime on me, but had learned that you could dial the number, and just “click” the phone, which was the signal to come pick me up!!!)
I was a picky eater as a child. Still am, in fact. (A picky eater… not a child!) So.. for about 15 years, Mom cooked all of our meals without using onions, tomatoes, and a host of other vegetables that are really very useful in cooking. Once, after Sunday dinner, she and Dad insisted that I eat the English peas that had been prepared, and said I could not leave the table until I did. About three hours later, I left the table, after consuming approximately 50 of the nasty little beans one at a time… popping them like pills, and swallowing half a glass of tea after each one.
Sunday dinner, by the way, is what we called the meal eaten shortly after noon on Sunday, which we ate together every week, after returning from Sunday School and church, which we attended together every week. If it was summertime, incidentally, we sometimes ate that dinner at the lake, and if we didn’t eat there, we generally headed there for the rest of the afternoon.
Sundays weren’t the only family rituals. There were others. Wednesday nights, for instance, were TV nights in the Shealy family den: Green Acres, followed by The Beverly Hillbillies!!!
Needless to say, I had a great childhood, thanks to my Mom and Dad. There were the ordinary scrapes and bruises that all kids get, which needed the appropriate tending-to by Mom… but I also had my share of extra-ordinary “scrapes and bruises”, we will call them symbolically – many of them self-inflicted… and Mom was always there.
Obviously, it’s not easy being my mom… ranging from the anxious tension she undoubtedly feels each time she opens the morning newspaper, to the stressful concern she most assuredly feels each week when she starts to read this column!!!
But she never complains. In fact, she never complains at all… about anything. For that matter, she never says anything bad at all about anybody. For the 55 years I’ve been on this earth, I’ve never heard her say anything bad about anybody… even me!!!
So Mom, I hope you have a Happy Mother’s Day…. cause if anybody deserves one, its you!
And I know the best thing I can do for you on this occasion is to stop writing now… so you can breathe a sigh of relief… at least for another week.
Happy Mothers Day!
I could say that, too… but right here before Mother's Day, do I really want to put all the blame on her?
There’s a whole bunch of great stories I could recount for you in this column, to note the occasion of Mom’s Day. Some of them are even true!
Like the one year, when I was a pre-teen, and as one of my chores, was supposed to have taken down the bright multi-colored Christmas lights, which had been strung along the top of the house, which happened to be on Main Street. To be sure, I had unplugged the electricity… but January had passed, along with February and March… and I still hadn’t gotten around to actually taking them down. And then, along about Easter, Mom came home from work late one evening – well after dark – and was horrified to discover that somehow, that bright strand of holiday lights had gotten plugged in… and we were the only house in town accidentally displaying bright Easter lights all night long!!!!
Like my five years of piano lessons that she paid for… which turned out to be a huge waste money… just like that day I practiced my piano lesson similarly turned out to be a bit of a waste of time. (Fortunately, the five years of tap dancing lessons were a very wise investment. Have you SEEN me on the dance floor?!!!)
I think back to the late afternoons she would come pick me up after some sort of ball practice or other activity – whenever I called to say it was time. Mind you, this was before the days of cell phones, so she would have already gotten home from a full day’s work. (Did you ever “click” a pay phone? Usually, I didn’t have a dime on me, but had learned that you could dial the number, and just “click” the phone, which was the signal to come pick me up!!!)
I was a picky eater as a child. Still am, in fact. (A picky eater… not a child!) So.. for about 15 years, Mom cooked all of our meals without using onions, tomatoes, and a host of other vegetables that are really very useful in cooking. Once, after Sunday dinner, she and Dad insisted that I eat the English peas that had been prepared, and said I could not leave the table until I did. About three hours later, I left the table, after consuming approximately 50 of the nasty little beans one at a time… popping them like pills, and swallowing half a glass of tea after each one.
Sunday dinner, by the way, is what we called the meal eaten shortly after noon on Sunday, which we ate together every week, after returning from Sunday School and church, which we attended together every week. If it was summertime, incidentally, we sometimes ate that dinner at the lake, and if we didn’t eat there, we generally headed there for the rest of the afternoon.
Sundays weren’t the only family rituals. There were others. Wednesday nights, for instance, were TV nights in the Shealy family den: Green Acres, followed by The Beverly Hillbillies!!!
Needless to say, I had a great childhood, thanks to my Mom and Dad. There were the ordinary scrapes and bruises that all kids get, which needed the appropriate tending-to by Mom… but I also had my share of extra-ordinary “scrapes and bruises”, we will call them symbolically – many of them self-inflicted… and Mom was always there.
Obviously, it’s not easy being my mom… ranging from the anxious tension she undoubtedly feels each time she opens the morning newspaper, to the stressful concern she most assuredly feels each week when she starts to read this column!!!
But she never complains. In fact, she never complains at all… about anything. For that matter, she never says anything bad at all about anybody. For the 55 years I’ve been on this earth, I’ve never heard her say anything bad about anybody… even me!!!
So Mom, I hope you have a Happy Mother’s Day…. cause if anybody deserves one, its you!
And I know the best thing I can do for you on this occasion is to stop writing now… so you can breathe a sigh of relief… at least for another week.
Happy Mothers Day!
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Rod-Boy’s Fashion Tips for Summertime
As we head into the final stretch toward sho’nuff summertime in sunny
And, naturally, that means my email box is full of inquiring minds asking me for the inside scoop, seeing as how I have earned somewhat of a reputation as a perennial fashion trendsetter. (Many people depend on my advice to avoid making fashion faux-pas.)
Take clam-diggers, for instance. I’m confident that my all-time favorite summertime article of clothing attire is going to make a comeback. Nevermind the fact that I haven’t actually seen a pair of clam-diggers since I was six years old. This summer, I plan to find a pair somewhere and don them… and I’m pretty sure the trend will spread like wildfire. (I always liked the rope belt, which, when I was six years old, also came in pretty handy for tying up siblings.)
Here are the rest of clothing trends I’ll be setting in the coming months:
Shirts -- There are two basic shirt choices in the summertime: printed tee-shirts or alohas (aka Hawaiian). Which you wear depends largely on your belly size. (Get it? Depends “largely” on your belly size!) If you’re occasionally a big, fat, giant, hippo-pig-whale, as I am, you’ll want to stick with the loose fitting alohas, instead of the sometimes snug-fitting tee-shirts. I personally am a big fan of the alohas… mainly because I’m a BIG fan of the alohas! Printed teeshirts, on the other hand, do offer the extra advantage of advertising your favorite rock band, NASCAR driver, or allergy medication.
Color choices of shirts – and all summerwear, for that matter – depends largely on your choice of BBQ sauce, since BBQ is the meal most likely to be eaten in the summertime. If I’m planning on eating ketchup-based BBQ sauce, I’ll probably go with a red-toned shirt; if it’s mustard-based sauce, then I’ll trend toward a yellow or mustard color. Bottom line: If you go ahead and plan in advance to blend your shirt with your sauce, you’ll save yourself a lot of heartache from the almost-certain “drip and stain” eventuality. (By the way, I have found that a good, flowery, multi-color aloha shirt will hide virtually ANY summertime BBQ drippage you might encounter!)
Footwear -- Two words: Flip Flop! It’s the next best thing to going barefoot, which is really my favorite, but I know a lot of big city folks who read this column – from places like Pelion, Prosperity,
Pants -- While you’re waiting for clam-diggers to once again become all the rage (just because I said so), there are a few other acceptable styles of pants you can wear: Cut off jeans are a safe choice. Swimtrunks always work. And I seem to generate a lot of real nice comments, compliments, and approving smiles from total strangers every time I wear my plaid Bermuda shorts that my aunt gave me back in 1973.
Neckwear – This is the area of clothing which represents the greatest difference between summertime and the other seasons. The recommended neckwear(s) in the summertime generally fall into three categories: 1) Straps, such as sunglasses, guitars, or beverage holders; 2) Hawaiian leis, to match the highly-recommended aloha shirts; and 3) Bibs… very helpful when slurping up the BBQ which should be consumed at least five days a week during the summer months.
Neckwear which is NOT recommended during summertime is: 1) necktie (ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha… as if I even OWN one!); and, 2) jewelry, like gold chains, etc. This ain’t
Accessories – The Stylish Southern Male’s wardrobe can be completed with a few well-thought-out accessories: straw hat, sunglasses, and a white stripe where your wristwatch once was. It’s summertime! Who needs to know what time it is?
To select the appropriate straw hat, you’ll want to factor in the angle you expect your head to lay on your hammock, which is, after all, the most important pastime of a good summer day.
Your shades, on the other hand, say much about your personality… about “who you are” as person. (Mine, for instance, reveal that I am a confirmed cheapo who likes to shop at dollar stores and consignment shops.)
Well, that should cover the fashion basics, and allow you to head out into the summer sunshine stylin’ and profilin’!!!
There is, of course, much, much more I could tell you about fashion, but it will just have to wait until next week, when our fashion topics will be: “Tattoos for Great-Grandparents”; “Piercings After 50”; and “Elastic Waistbands: Not Just for Formal Wear Anymore!”
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
I’m in the white car
If you happen to see me walking around a parking lot this week, seemingly meandering from vehicle to vehicle, don’t worry. It will just be me looking for my car.
This week, it turns out, I’m in a rental vehicle. Last week, a delivery truck smushed the door of my car. (“Smush”, incidentally, is NOT a technical automotive industry term – and actually doesn’t even show up in most English language dictionaries – but it’s the only word which can adequately describe precisely what happened to the door of my car.)
The rental vehicle is white. It has a name – probably something like Ford, Chevy, Dodge, or TamishiakiYomasukiSushhama – but car makes and models go in one ear and out the other with me. All I know is it’s white.
You may know this about me: I am not a car person. I can’t tell them apart. They’re all about the same to me. I can’t tell you what’s under the hood of my car. Actually, I HAVE owned cars that I’m not really sure which end WAS the hood.
What I know about a car is this: I go out in the morning and put the key in the ignition and turn the key and either it starts or it doesn’t. If it starts, I drive it. If it doesn’t, oh well, I guess I just have to find a different car.
As a result of a total lack of knowledge, understanding, and concern about all things automotive, I have amassed a pretty long list of car tales in my lifetime… far too many to recount in this space in a single week. It would take several weeks… and I just might do that.
But these honest-to-goodness, absolutely-true tidbits will give you a clue how I am with cars: I once owned a car which broke down so often, it had a trailer hitch installed on the front bumper for ease in towing! I once lost a car. And I once painted a car myself… with a paintbrush.
Obviously, I am not mechanically inclined. The only tool I have ever found even remotely useful in repairing a car is a hammer.
And now, as automotively-challenged as I am, I face the additional problem of driving a car that looks exactly like half the other cars on the road. It’s a little white car… and that’s really all I know about it.
And, to make things worse, I’m just a tad absent-minded. Sometimes, right in the middle of doing something, I completely forget to
So, when I go into the grocery store, absent-mindedly bumbling along the aisles in search of grocery items I can’t remember at locations I can’t recall, I’m also very likely to forget exactly where I parked my little white rental car.
A few years ago, when I was travelling from Columbia to Charleston in a similarly nondescript borrowed car, I stopped at the rest area near Orangeburg. When I came out of the restroom, to my dismay, I had no clue which of the 50 cars in the rest area I had been driving. Through the miracle of Electronic Cell-phones, however, I was able to contact the owner of the car and establish the color, size and tag number. And, 49 cars later, I found it!!!
Normally, it’s not a big problem for me. Sure, I forget where I parked, but it rarely takes me more than a half-hour to find my car, because it’s usually the only one of it’s kind in the lot. Like my rental, it’s white… BUT it’s old and big and rectangular… with a blue top. My car is usually easy to find, because it’s roughly the size of a WWII battleship, and shaped a lot like a Ramada Hotel. And, just in case there are two, mine is the one with the assortment of brightly-colored bumper stickers plastered on it, ranging back to the “I Like Ike” era.
This week, I’m trying to avoid going to the grocery store, to avoid the embarrassment of losing my car. But one can only go so long without nourishment.
If you see me in the parking lot, peering into the window of every single white car, don’t fret. It’s just me trying to find the one with a hammer on the front seat.
This week, it turns out, I’m in a rental vehicle. Last week, a delivery truck smushed the door of my car. (“Smush”, incidentally, is NOT a technical automotive industry term – and actually doesn’t even show up in most English language dictionaries – but it’s the only word which can adequately describe precisely what happened to the door of my car.)
The rental vehicle is white. It has a name – probably something like Ford, Chevy, Dodge, or TamishiakiYomasukiSushhama – but car makes and models go in one ear and out the other with me. All I know is it’s white.
You may know this about me: I am not a car person. I can’t tell them apart. They’re all about the same to me. I can’t tell you what’s under the hood of my car. Actually, I HAVE owned cars that I’m not really sure which end WAS the hood.
What I know about a car is this: I go out in the morning and put the key in the ignition and turn the key and either it starts or it doesn’t. If it starts, I drive it. If it doesn’t, oh well, I guess I just have to find a different car.
As a result of a total lack of knowledge, understanding, and concern about all things automotive, I have amassed a pretty long list of car tales in my lifetime… far too many to recount in this space in a single week. It would take several weeks… and I just might do that.
But these honest-to-goodness, absolutely-true tidbits will give you a clue how I am with cars: I once owned a car which broke down so often, it had a trailer hitch installed on the front bumper for ease in towing! I once lost a car. And I once painted a car myself… with a paintbrush.
Obviously, I am not mechanically inclined. The only tool I have ever found even remotely useful in repairing a car is a hammer.
And now, as automotively-challenged as I am, I face the additional problem of driving a car that looks exactly like half the other cars on the road. It’s a little white car… and that’s really all I know about it.
And, to make things worse, I’m just a tad absent-minded. Sometimes, right in the middle of doing something, I completely forget to
So, when I go into the grocery store, absent-mindedly bumbling along the aisles in search of grocery items I can’t remember at locations I can’t recall, I’m also very likely to forget exactly where I parked my little white rental car.
A few years ago, when I was travelling from Columbia to Charleston in a similarly nondescript borrowed car, I stopped at the rest area near Orangeburg. When I came out of the restroom, to my dismay, I had no clue which of the 50 cars in the rest area I had been driving. Through the miracle of Electronic Cell-phones, however, I was able to contact the owner of the car and establish the color, size and tag number. And, 49 cars later, I found it!!!
Normally, it’s not a big problem for me. Sure, I forget where I parked, but it rarely takes me more than a half-hour to find my car, because it’s usually the only one of it’s kind in the lot. Like my rental, it’s white… BUT it’s old and big and rectangular… with a blue top. My car is usually easy to find, because it’s roughly the size of a WWII battleship, and shaped a lot like a Ramada Hotel. And, just in case there are two, mine is the one with the assortment of brightly-colored bumper stickers plastered on it, ranging back to the “I Like Ike” era.
This week, I’m trying to avoid going to the grocery store, to avoid the embarrassment of losing my car. But one can only go so long without nourishment.
If you see me in the parking lot, peering into the window of every single white car, don’t fret. It’s just me trying to find the one with a hammer on the front seat.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
The return of the Big, Fat, Giant Hippo-Pig-Whale!!!
It’s baaaaaaa-ck!
The big, fat, giant hippo-pig-whale that believes itself to be my alter-ego is trying desperately to take over my body again.
Actually, the BFGHPW was only gone for a week or so.
Regular readers of this column will recall that, back during the frosty winter days of January, I forthrightly proclaimed on these pages: “I am a Big, Fat, Giant Hippo-Pig-Whale”. My girth had begun to exceed my net-worth. My waistline has become a wasteland. I was regularly cheating on my over-eating. (I was an huge-enormous poet that didn’t know it.)
So, given my gargantuosity (a word I have just made up to describe the condition), I did what I always do to shed a few pounds: I challenged the whole world to a weight-loss competition. And… the whole world sent eleven of its stoutest members to accept my challenge.
For eight weeks, a dozen of us were slaves to our chosen diets in a battle of willpower to see which of us would claim the $100 per person prize (which converts to $1200 American dollars, for the numerically-challenged).
That weight-loss contest came to a conclusion last week, on April 6th, which, it turns out, was the Monday before a major holiday: Easter!!!
Here’s an interesting fact which I never fully realized until last week: As it turns out, Easter is one of the Major Food Holidays, along with Thanksgiving and Christmas. The main event of the holiday, other than going to church, is eating a big Easter meal. Let me repeat: A BIG Easter meal.
I have probably sorta taken those meals for granted in previous years. But not this time. I had just come off of an eight-week self-imposed hunger strike – during which I had officially lost 32.7 pounds – and I apparently unknowingly set about trying to see if I could gain it all back at one sitting!!!! I almost succeeded! Hence, about a half-dozen pounds of the Big, Fat, Giant Hippo-Pig-Whale has returned!!!!
But it was great being down 32.7 pounds while it lasted… which was about an hour and a half.
As it turns out, my 32.7 pounds lost was good enough to put me in second place for the competition… just ahead of three other former weight-loss champs. The reigning weight-loss champ Don Gawrys lost 32 even. Three-time champ Kirk Luther lost 26. And the original contest champ Norman Agnew lost 22.
Turns out most of the other contenders – Bruce Holland, Jimmy Carroll, Denis Vaucher, Doug Adam, Shirley Towne, Jim Miles, and Terry Campbell – were merely window dressing whose only role was making the prize money bigger. They averaged losing about 10 pounds.
But the big winner – and new Almost Annual Fifteen Fat Guys Weight Loss Competition Champion – was Tom Boetger, General Manager of Carrabba’s in Harbison. Tom bested the field with a total weight lost of 46.8 pounds, dropping from 267.8 to 221 in eight weeks.
At the big final weigh-in, Tom let us in on his secret: He went on a diet, and stuck to it!!! Brilliant! No… Genius! What a plan!!! Diabolically clever.
So, our congrats to Tom, the new King of the Formerly Fat Guys.
And I hope Tom enjoyed HIS Easter as much as I enjoyed mine: Six pounds!!!
The big, fat, giant hippo-pig-whale that believes itself to be my alter-ego is trying desperately to take over my body again.
Actually, the BFGHPW was only gone for a week or so.
Regular readers of this column will recall that, back during the frosty winter days of January, I forthrightly proclaimed on these pages: “I am a Big, Fat, Giant Hippo-Pig-Whale”. My girth had begun to exceed my net-worth. My waistline has become a wasteland. I was regularly cheating on my over-eating. (I was an huge-enormous poet that didn’t know it.)
So, given my gargantuosity (a word I have just made up to describe the condition), I did what I always do to shed a few pounds: I challenged the whole world to a weight-loss competition. And… the whole world sent eleven of its stoutest members to accept my challenge.
For eight weeks, a dozen of us were slaves to our chosen diets in a battle of willpower to see which of us would claim the $100 per person prize (which converts to $1200 American dollars, for the numerically-challenged).
That weight-loss contest came to a conclusion last week, on April 6th, which, it turns out, was the Monday before a major holiday: Easter!!!
Here’s an interesting fact which I never fully realized until last week: As it turns out, Easter is one of the Major Food Holidays, along with Thanksgiving and Christmas. The main event of the holiday, other than going to church, is eating a big Easter meal. Let me repeat: A BIG Easter meal.
I have probably sorta taken those meals for granted in previous years. But not this time. I had just come off of an eight-week self-imposed hunger strike – during which I had officially lost 32.7 pounds – and I apparently unknowingly set about trying to see if I could gain it all back at one sitting!!!! I almost succeeded! Hence, about a half-dozen pounds of the Big, Fat, Giant Hippo-Pig-Whale has returned!!!!
But it was great being down 32.7 pounds while it lasted… which was about an hour and a half.
As it turns out, my 32.7 pounds lost was good enough to put me in second place for the competition… just ahead of three other former weight-loss champs. The reigning weight-loss champ Don Gawrys lost 32 even. Three-time champ Kirk Luther lost 26. And the original contest champ Norman Agnew lost 22.
Turns out most of the other contenders – Bruce Holland, Jimmy Carroll, Denis Vaucher, Doug Adam, Shirley Towne, Jim Miles, and Terry Campbell – were merely window dressing whose only role was making the prize money bigger. They averaged losing about 10 pounds.
But the big winner – and new Almost Annual Fifteen Fat Guys Weight Loss Competition Champion – was Tom Boetger, General Manager of Carrabba’s in Harbison. Tom bested the field with a total weight lost of 46.8 pounds, dropping from 267.8 to 221 in eight weeks.
At the big final weigh-in, Tom let us in on his secret: He went on a diet, and stuck to it!!! Brilliant! No… Genius! What a plan!!! Diabolically clever.
So, our congrats to Tom, the new King of the Formerly Fat Guys.
And I hope Tom enjoyed HIS Easter as much as I enjoyed mine: Six pounds!!!
Friday, April 10, 2009
Rod-Boy’s Tax Tips
This week, I want to offer some free advice… and as with ALL the free advice I give out, it’s worth TWICE as much.
However, if I were you, I would think twice about following my advice this week, because this week, I’m leaving my typical areas of expertise – fashion, art, cuisine, physical fitness, home décor and design, Scrabble, and Undercover CIA Operations – and delving into an entirely new field: Rod-Boy’s IRS Tax Deduction Advice.
Now, already, I know the question prolly at the tip of your tongue: “Hey, Rod-Boy! Since you’re giving away all this valuable advice for free, like a donation, will you be able to claim it as a tax deduction?”
The answer is a resounding “NO”. Claiming Free Advice as a tax deduction is a bad idea, a lesson I learned during the IRS Audits of 1982 and 1983.
The next question you’re likely thinking to yourself now is, “Hey, Rod-Boy! If I applied my Schedule C Accrued Depreciation Allowance to the Earned Income Credit or my Adjusted Minimum Tax because of my Net Operating loss from Credit Default Swaps, can I apply the carry-forward to a SEP or HAS?”
My answer to that question is a resounding “Can you say that again slower.. and maybe use some littler words?”
My point is: I do not know everything about Income Taxes. But I do know some stuff. And, today, I want to share some of the stuff I know, or else have just invented out of thin air, one or the other.
With times being what they are – a slow economy, a recession, tight-money, and Reality TV Shows almost every night – things seem pretty bleak. And with tax filing day coming up next week, most Americans will be looking for ways to hold on to every penny possible, which sometimes leads to “playing a little fast and loose” with the ol’ tax deductions.
Here’s my advice: Don’t do it!
I really can’t tell you what deductions you SHOULD claim, but I have compiled a handy little list of deductions you should NOT take. (Feel free to clip this list and pass it around the office to your co-workers.)
Here it is -- Rob-Boy’s List of Bad Tax Deductions. DO NOT try to claim these tax deductions:
-- One of the most common deductions being tried unsuccessfully this year is the Interest on your Mortgage Deduction for the cardboard boxes many Americans are currently living in.
-- Some taxpayers are trying to claim Education Credits & Deductions for going back to school because watching Hulu.com – an evil plot to take over the world – has turned their brains into mush.
-- The IRS has denied a claim for Depreciation Allowance on a ShamWow when it began to lose its absorbency after only 23,257 uses.
-- Several Illinois taxpayers unsuccessfully claimed Charitable Donations to the Governor of Illinois in their attempts to be appointed to the United States Senate.
-- In addition to the Hybrid Vehicle Credit, some are listing a Hybrid TV Credit, arguing that their TV has not yet switched from digital to analog as promised.
-- The Bernie Madoff Medical Expenses Deduction, which allows Bernie Madoff to take large deductions years in advance, because if he ever gets out of prison, he’s probably going to need lots of medical attention.
-- The IRS is also not likely to allow the “Serving Fish to Tourist in T-Shirts” Deduction because you’re broke and have no money so what could it possibly hurt.
-- And this year’s catch-all deduction is the “So Easy A Caveman Could Do It” Deduction Suite, a collection of large, random, miscellaneous deductions, none of which are valid, but if the IRS questions you, you just say: “Oops! Sorry. I had a caveman do my taxes for me.”
That’s my list. None of these deductions will work, so I’m afraid you’re just going to have to suck it up and pay your taxes.
However, while none of these deductions will work, I am exploring another plan to deal with taxes in these dismal times. At the grocery store last week, the lady ahead of me in the checkout line had an envelope full of coupons she had clipped, and she saved about a hundred dollars on her grocery bill.
So do you think the IRS will accept grocery coupons?
However, if I were you, I would think twice about following my advice this week, because this week, I’m leaving my typical areas of expertise – fashion, art, cuisine, physical fitness, home décor and design, Scrabble, and Undercover CIA Operations – and delving into an entirely new field: Rod-Boy’s IRS Tax Deduction Advice.
Now, already, I know the question prolly at the tip of your tongue: “Hey, Rod-Boy! Since you’re giving away all this valuable advice for free, like a donation, will you be able to claim it as a tax deduction?”
The answer is a resounding “NO”. Claiming Free Advice as a tax deduction is a bad idea, a lesson I learned during the IRS Audits of 1982 and 1983.
The next question you’re likely thinking to yourself now is, “Hey, Rod-Boy! If I applied my Schedule C Accrued Depreciation Allowance to the Earned Income Credit or my Adjusted Minimum Tax because of my Net Operating loss from Credit Default Swaps, can I apply the carry-forward to a SEP or HAS?”
My answer to that question is a resounding “Can you say that again slower.. and maybe use some littler words?”
My point is: I do not know everything about Income Taxes. But I do know some stuff. And, today, I want to share some of the stuff I know, or else have just invented out of thin air, one or the other.
With times being what they are – a slow economy, a recession, tight-money, and Reality TV Shows almost every night – things seem pretty bleak. And with tax filing day coming up next week, most Americans will be looking for ways to hold on to every penny possible, which sometimes leads to “playing a little fast and loose” with the ol’ tax deductions.
Here’s my advice: Don’t do it!
I really can’t tell you what deductions you SHOULD claim, but I have compiled a handy little list of deductions you should NOT take. (Feel free to clip this list and pass it around the office to your co-workers.)
Here it is -- Rob-Boy’s List of Bad Tax Deductions. DO NOT try to claim these tax deductions:
-- One of the most common deductions being tried unsuccessfully this year is the Interest on your Mortgage Deduction for the cardboard boxes many Americans are currently living in.
-- Some taxpayers are trying to claim Education Credits & Deductions for going back to school because watching Hulu.com – an evil plot to take over the world – has turned their brains into mush.
-- The IRS has denied a claim for Depreciation Allowance on a ShamWow when it began to lose its absorbency after only 23,257 uses.
-- Several Illinois taxpayers unsuccessfully claimed Charitable Donations to the Governor of Illinois in their attempts to be appointed to the United States Senate.
-- In addition to the Hybrid Vehicle Credit, some are listing a Hybrid TV Credit, arguing that their TV has not yet switched from digital to analog as promised.
-- The Bernie Madoff Medical Expenses Deduction, which allows Bernie Madoff to take large deductions years in advance, because if he ever gets out of prison, he’s probably going to need lots of medical attention.
-- The IRS is also not likely to allow the “Serving Fish to Tourist in T-Shirts” Deduction because you’re broke and have no money so what could it possibly hurt.
-- And this year’s catch-all deduction is the “So Easy A Caveman Could Do It” Deduction Suite, a collection of large, random, miscellaneous deductions, none of which are valid, but if the IRS questions you, you just say: “Oops! Sorry. I had a caveman do my taxes for me.”
That’s my list. None of these deductions will work, so I’m afraid you’re just going to have to suck it up and pay your taxes.
However, while none of these deductions will work, I am exploring another plan to deal with taxes in these dismal times. At the grocery store last week, the lady ahead of me in the checkout line had an envelope full of coupons she had clipped, and she saved about a hundred dollars on her grocery bill.
So do you think the IRS will accept grocery coupons?
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Spring Forward This Week
Don’t forget to set your clocks ahead one hour
This week, for the second time in less than a month, many Americans will once again set their clocks ahead one hour, thanks to a new Economic Stimulus program passed this month by Congress.
Called “Economic Stimulus Daylight Savings Time” (ESDST), the new program is totally voluntary for Americans wishing to dedicate an extra hour each day to reviving the economy.
With many citizens already planning to use their initial extra hour of Daylight Savings Time to earn extra income, thus stimulating the economy, Congress hopes a second, additional extra hour will stimulate the economy even more. The original proposal, which would have mandated the second hour of Daylight Savings Time for all states, stalled in the Senate after passing the House, forcing the Obama administration to offer a compromise which made the extra hour totally voluntary.
If the ESDST voluntary extra hour succeeds, sources say Obama will use that success to bolster his health care proposal, which is designed to work on the same principal.
To increase participation, the plan offers citizens additional incentives:
-- Participants will also be able to Spring Forward on their income taxes, with the traditional April 15th deadline moved forward one month to May 15th for those who sign up for the extra hour;
-- As an additional economic stimulus, participants will be allowed to roll-back the odometer on their primary vehicle by up to 10,000 miles;
-- The long-awaited “analog to digital” TV conversion will be delayed by up to one year for ESDST participants; and
-- All participants will be allowed to reset their home bathroom scales by up to 10 pounds, allowing instant weight loss for participants.
While traditional DST always begins at the hour of 2:00 am on a Saturday night/Sunday morning, ESDST will begin midweek, during the night of Tuesday, March 31st, with participants re-setting their clocks at 2:00 am Wednesday morning (4/1/2009).
Not all officials are happy with the Economic Development Daylight Savings Time plan.
South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford rejected the extra hour outright, writing in a Wall Street Journal editorial that he will veto any future Daylight Savings Time legislation. Sanford, a strong proponent of the global economy, said he believes that the time-of-day should always be exactly the same in all time zones around the world. Known for his Libertarian leanings, Sanford said he also believes that each individual should have the right to choose their own time-of-day.
Sanford’s staunch Libertarian ally, Wall Street mogul Howard Rich, agreed with the Governor, and announced plans to fund new “Time-Choice” political organizations in a dozen states, appropriately named: “Iowans Against Gun Control”, “South Carolinians for Gooder Government”, “North Carolinians for Government Gooder than South Carolina’s”, “Texans United for Boots (TUB)”, “Utah Citizens for Wife”, “North Dakotans for Warmer Weather”, “Save The Seals”, “Rescue The Whales”, “Help the Hippos”, “Serving Fish to Tourists in Tee Shirts”, and “I Hate the New Facebook”.
It was unclear whether those groups have any connection to another recently formed organization, “Gullible Transplanted Northerners Who Always Fall for Rod-Boy’s Annual April Fools Columns”.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Victoria’s got a Secret, and Mark Sanford does, too.
Just what we need: one more hack commenting on the economy. Never-mind, I’m doing it anyway, because that seems to be what’s on everybody’s mind these days.
I’ve actually written here about the economy a few times before, but mainly to urge folks to protect our LOCAL economy by shopping local. When the first round of stimulus checks started flowing nearly a year ago, I reminded readers that the Big Giant Corporations and their investors would profit handsomely, before sending on a share of our economic stimulus funds to the manufacturers of their products in China and beyond.
Way back last spring, I predicted that Wall Street and foreign companies would benefit nicely from this infusion of our cash… and that was before any of us had heard the term “bailout”.
The way things have actually unfolded in the last year makes me seem smart.
Actually, I’m not very smart at finances at all. Most of what I know about bank failures is what I’ve learned by watching George Bailey and Mr. Potter in “It’s a Wonderful Life” every year.
But I do occasionally have a dose of common sense, which, to me, seems to be missing these days. So here are a few of the common-sense observations I’ve made about the economy... or at least some questions that have arisen in my mind:
1. Last year, we bailed out the banks because they were taking a beating because people who had borrowed to buy a home couldn’t pay their mortgages. This year, we bailed out the insurance giant AIG, which had insured the banks in case people couldn’t pay their mortgages. So, doesn’t that mean we’re bailing out the same mortgages twice?
2. I keep hearing that this is the worst recession since the early 1980’s. Frankly, I was around in the early 1980’s, and I don’t remember any recession that seemed as bad as the current one. So what’s different? I think it’s because we now have 24-hour news, and far more pervasive news media than at any time in the past. The national media, you know, loves to report bad news… so they’re having a field day with this recession. The actual statistics say this recession is no worse than the recession of ’81-’82… but the media sure is making it seem worse.
3. We don’t produce things anymore. By “we”, I mean the US of A. I noticed it ten year ago, and I heard President Obama mention it on TV last week. Our economy is “artificial”. He said that 40% of our total economic growth had been in the finance sector. That means we’re just trading money back and forth, and adding a little value to it every time we make a deal. But all that money-swapping isn’t producing anything, except artificial wealth. Our manufacturing industries have left our shores, and a lot of agricultural products are now coming from elsewhere. That leaves Americans to trade money and information, and sell services to each other.
4. The new “global economy” is a bad idea for us. There is a reason our jobs have gone overseas. It’s because we don’t compete on a level playing field. We offer our citizens basic human rights. They don’t. As long as other nations are using what amounts to slave labor, we’ll never be able to produce goods as cheaply as they can. We also protect our citizens by insisting on standards for our products. They don’t. That’s why we’re seeing crisis after crisis of products manufactured in China causing problems here.
5. Everybody is dealing with the recession in their own way. The Girl Scouts made their cookies smaller this year.
6. At my house, we’re examining our bills a little closer than usual before just automatically paying them. That’s how my wife happened to notice an unfamiliar charge on her Victoria’s Secret bill: a charge for $109 for an item called “VS Escapes” that she was sure she hadn’t authorized, because she hadn’t shopped there in months. After calling a toll-free number, and spending an hour researching the charges online, we determined that she had fallen victim to something I would categorize as a “scam” of major proportions. Apparently, at some point during the online purchase or credit-card process, Victoria’s Secret customers unknowingly agree to this annual $109 charge to join a program from an unaffiliated travel company. I visited the Consumer Reports website and discovered this practice has been victimizing VS customers for years, many of them never taking the time to check their monthly statements, and forking over $109 a year for a service they didn’t ask for. While I may be a fan of Victoria’s Secret’s products, I’m not a fan of this scam… especially during tough economic times. So… I’m blowing the whistle on them… to help protect others.
7. Here’s an even bigger scam: Our governor is playing politics with our state’s future. You have probably heard that Mark Sanford rejected $700 million of economic stimulus money for our state. Now I’m going to tell you WHY he rejected it. He rejected it just so he would look good to arch-conservative voters across the nation during his upcoming campaign for President. While I admittedly don’t know much about high-finance, I do know a little about political campaigns. Make no mistake: Mark Sanford is selling out our state’s future for his own personal political gain. He’s all politics, all the time… even while pretending to be “above” politics.
So, next time you hear of a friend or neighbor losing a job, see a local business close its doors, or have to tell the kids you can’t really afford a vacation this year…. Thank your Governor!
There you have it: My common-sense observations about the economy. We now return you to your regularly-scheduled, 24-hours a day, national media news cycle already in progress.
I’ve actually written here about the economy a few times before, but mainly to urge folks to protect our LOCAL economy by shopping local. When the first round of stimulus checks started flowing nearly a year ago, I reminded readers that the Big Giant Corporations and their investors would profit handsomely, before sending on a share of our economic stimulus funds to the manufacturers of their products in China and beyond.
Way back last spring, I predicted that Wall Street and foreign companies would benefit nicely from this infusion of our cash… and that was before any of us had heard the term “bailout”.
The way things have actually unfolded in the last year makes me seem smart.
Actually, I’m not very smart at finances at all. Most of what I know about bank failures is what I’ve learned by watching George Bailey and Mr. Potter in “It’s a Wonderful Life” every year.
But I do occasionally have a dose of common sense, which, to me, seems to be missing these days. So here are a few of the common-sense observations I’ve made about the economy... or at least some questions that have arisen in my mind:
1. Last year, we bailed out the banks because they were taking a beating because people who had borrowed to buy a home couldn’t pay their mortgages. This year, we bailed out the insurance giant AIG, which had insured the banks in case people couldn’t pay their mortgages. So, doesn’t that mean we’re bailing out the same mortgages twice?
2. I keep hearing that this is the worst recession since the early 1980’s. Frankly, I was around in the early 1980’s, and I don’t remember any recession that seemed as bad as the current one. So what’s different? I think it’s because we now have 24-hour news, and far more pervasive news media than at any time in the past. The national media, you know, loves to report bad news… so they’re having a field day with this recession. The actual statistics say this recession is no worse than the recession of ’81-’82… but the media sure is making it seem worse.
3. We don’t produce things anymore. By “we”, I mean the US of A. I noticed it ten year ago, and I heard President Obama mention it on TV last week. Our economy is “artificial”. He said that 40% of our total economic growth had been in the finance sector. That means we’re just trading money back and forth, and adding a little value to it every time we make a deal. But all that money-swapping isn’t producing anything, except artificial wealth. Our manufacturing industries have left our shores, and a lot of agricultural products are now coming from elsewhere. That leaves Americans to trade money and information, and sell services to each other.
4. The new “global economy” is a bad idea for us. There is a reason our jobs have gone overseas. It’s because we don’t compete on a level playing field. We offer our citizens basic human rights. They don’t. As long as other nations are using what amounts to slave labor, we’ll never be able to produce goods as cheaply as they can. We also protect our citizens by insisting on standards for our products. They don’t. That’s why we’re seeing crisis after crisis of products manufactured in China causing problems here.
5. Everybody is dealing with the recession in their own way. The Girl Scouts made their cookies smaller this year.
6. At my house, we’re examining our bills a little closer than usual before just automatically paying them. That’s how my wife happened to notice an unfamiliar charge on her Victoria’s Secret bill: a charge for $109 for an item called “VS Escapes” that she was sure she hadn’t authorized, because she hadn’t shopped there in months. After calling a toll-free number, and spending an hour researching the charges online, we determined that she had fallen victim to something I would categorize as a “scam” of major proportions. Apparently, at some point during the online purchase or credit-card process, Victoria’s Secret customers unknowingly agree to this annual $109 charge to join a program from an unaffiliated travel company. I visited the Consumer Reports website and discovered this practice has been victimizing VS customers for years, many of them never taking the time to check their monthly statements, and forking over $109 a year for a service they didn’t ask for. While I may be a fan of Victoria’s Secret’s products, I’m not a fan of this scam… especially during tough economic times. So… I’m blowing the whistle on them… to help protect others.
7. Here’s an even bigger scam: Our governor is playing politics with our state’s future. You have probably heard that Mark Sanford rejected $700 million of economic stimulus money for our state. Now I’m going to tell you WHY he rejected it. He rejected it just so he would look good to arch-conservative voters across the nation during his upcoming campaign for President. While I admittedly don’t know much about high-finance, I do know a little about political campaigns. Make no mistake: Mark Sanford is selling out our state’s future for his own personal political gain. He’s all politics, all the time… even while pretending to be “above” politics.
So, next time you hear of a friend or neighbor losing a job, see a local business close its doors, or have to tell the kids you can’t really afford a vacation this year…. Thank your Governor!
There you have it: My common-sense observations about the economy. We now return you to your regularly-scheduled, 24-hours a day, national media news cycle already in progress.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Humor Writing….. NOT!
For the last five weeks, I’ve been sorta hungry… mainly, ‘cause me and a handful of buddies have been engaged in a High Stakes Weight Loss Contest, with $1200 American Dollars on the line… and what with the recession and all, the whole bunch of us have been trying pretty hard to win the contest! (Bad grammar alert: I know I should have said “a handful of buddies and I”, but the lack of nutrition from my current diet has made me too weak to go back and fix my error.)
I’ve been doing this roughly annually for the last half-decade or so. Competition is the only sure-fire way I have of losing weight. Of course, its evident that I’m not REALLY losing weight, at least not for the long term. If I was REALLY losing weight, long term, then I wouldn’t need to do it every year, now would I.
Anyway, a few weeks ago, I announced that I was once again a Big-Fat-Giant Hippo-Pig-Whale, and, therefore, it was time to kick off our Annual Fifteen Fat Guys Weight Loss Contest.
We kicked it off back on Feburary 9th, and I’ve been hungry ever since. However, instead of 15, we had 12, one of which is not a guy at all, but a gal. Here is how we weighed in at the start:
Reigning Champion Don Gawrys, Manager of Michaels -- 374.2; Okra Strut Chairman and three-time champion Kirk Luther -- 247.0; Bruce Holland, Attorney -- 229.6; Tom Beottger -- 267.8; Terry Campbell of nationwide Insurance -- 235.4; Norman Agnew of Agnew Lake Service-- 285.2; Jim Miles, former Secreatry of State -- 241.0; Doug Adam, The Indesign Firm -- 277.2; Denis Vaucher, International Man of Mystery -- 228.2; Jimmy Carroll, Isle of Palms Man of Mystery -- 228.2; and, yours truly, Rod-Boy Shealy -- a massive, whopping, huge-enormous, earth-orbit-altering 248.6 lbs.
We’ve now completed five weeks of an eight week contest, and the contestants are getting… well, we’re getting a little ornery.
Plus, all the rest of them are real secretive about their current weights. It’s because they’re trying to use strategery in the contest!!! It’s also because they believe I will make Big Jokes about them in this column if they tell me how much weight they’ve lost. And they’re right! So they won’t tell me.
Every time we have one of these contests, I write pretty much whatever I want to about my Blubbery Buddies who have joined me in the competition. I refer to it as “humor”, and sometimes, my readers actually giggle or guffaw… and not just at my picture.
Well, apparently my fellow contestants have had enough. For the last few weeks, they’ve lighted up the Internet with their Blubbery Barbs aimed back at Yours-Truly!!!
They’re taking Porky-Pig Pokes!!! Tank-sized Teasing!!!
So, I thought I’d give you a sample of the Jumbo Jibes -- and feeble attempts at humor -- these Big-Bellied Bubbas been shooting my way.
From Young Mr. Agnew:
“As a member of Rod’s infamous weight loss contest (as a side note it really shouldn’t be called Rod’s as he has never won) I’d like to get a few things off of my chest other than about 60 pounds. With regards to our “Captain of Cream” and by cream I of course mean Ice Cream, not the popular band of the 70’s, it is probable that he once again will not win this contest. I am hopeful that I will walk away (walk, not jog or run) victorious this year, a feat that I haven’t been able to match since the “original” weight loss contest. This little-known contest didn’t get the publicity like the present day one. It probably didn’t get the publicity because it was yet another contest Mr. Shealy failed to win. This year, we have one of the larger contests on our hands, and that sparks even more incentive to win, something I doubt our esteemed publisher will be doing yet again this year. If you have noticed a developing theme in my letter, it is for good reason. Although I would like to win the contest this year, as long as one of my deserving colleagues wins, and they are not the publisher of a paper, I will be happy. I wish the best of luck to all participants… with the exception of Rod!”
From Jimmy Carroll:
“Weight loss, how about we change the game to memory loss. No huh, well as for your beach bum contestant, he is still holding give or take 6lbs lost. Darn, I am still walking every night, I gave up my life blood, sweet tea, I mean, real sweet tea and darn it, only 6 lbs!!!!! O-well, maybe I am becoming all muscle and my body is creating 6 pack abs, but the mirror doesn't agree. So unless there is some miracle here on the good ole Isle of Palms, I may be out another $100 bucks.”
From Kirk Luther:
“I realized that my wait loss has not decreased but has increased substantially since the beginning of this contest. I've calculated what my 'wait deficiency' is currently and want to share it with all of you: Wait for coffee pot to brew each morning: 3.2 x 30 days since start of contest = 96; Wait at the doctors office: 58; Wait at DMV: 43.5; Wait at dentist: 16.4; Wait for stimulus check: 63 days since Obama took office (90,720); Wait for this stupid contest to end as of today: 30 days or 43200; TOTAL WAIT (in minutes): 134,133.9. So there you have it... I have lost 2235..565 hours or 93.148 days trying to win $1200. If I had spent that time actually working for minimum wage at the current SC rate of $6.55 per hour I would have earned $14,642.95. We either have to up the ante for this contest or reconsider our priorities.”
So, as you can see from the three samples above, extreme weight-loss diets apparently not only make you hungry and ornery, but also seem to completely drain one’s humor writing talents. (I wish them luck at winning the money in the weigh-loss competition… cause they’re not gonna make it on the comedy circuit.)
And to my readers…. I’m sorry you had to witness this. I promise to never again include anything submitted from any of the other contestants in our weight-loss contest.
And I promise I’ll be back next week with my own rip-roaring, side-splitting, half-witted brand of fun, frolic, and frivolity. Or else something else.
I’ve been doing this roughly annually for the last half-decade or so. Competition is the only sure-fire way I have of losing weight. Of course, its evident that I’m not REALLY losing weight, at least not for the long term. If I was REALLY losing weight, long term, then I wouldn’t need to do it every year, now would I.
Anyway, a few weeks ago, I announced that I was once again a Big-Fat-Giant Hippo-Pig-Whale, and, therefore, it was time to kick off our Annual Fifteen Fat Guys Weight Loss Contest.
We kicked it off back on Feburary 9th, and I’ve been hungry ever since. However, instead of 15, we had 12, one of which is not a guy at all, but a gal. Here is how we weighed in at the start:
Reigning Champion Don Gawrys, Manager of Michaels -- 374.2; Okra Strut Chairman and three-time champion Kirk Luther -- 247.0; Bruce Holland, Attorney -- 229.6; Tom Beottger -- 267.8; Terry Campbell of nationwide Insurance -- 235.4; Norman Agnew of Agnew Lake Service-- 285.2; Jim Miles, former Secreatry of State -- 241.0; Doug Adam, The Indesign Firm -- 277.2; Denis Vaucher, International Man of Mystery -- 228.2; Jimmy Carroll, Isle of Palms Man of Mystery -- 228.2; and, yours truly, Rod-Boy Shealy -- a massive, whopping, huge-enormous, earth-orbit-altering 248.6 lbs.
We’ve now completed five weeks of an eight week contest, and the contestants are getting… well, we’re getting a little ornery.
Plus, all the rest of them are real secretive about their current weights. It’s because they’re trying to use strategery in the contest!!! It’s also because they believe I will make Big Jokes about them in this column if they tell me how much weight they’ve lost. And they’re right! So they won’t tell me.
Every time we have one of these contests, I write pretty much whatever I want to about my Blubbery Buddies who have joined me in the competition. I refer to it as “humor”, and sometimes, my readers actually giggle or guffaw… and not just at my picture.
Well, apparently my fellow contestants have had enough. For the last few weeks, they’ve lighted up the Internet with their Blubbery Barbs aimed back at Yours-Truly!!!
They’re taking Porky-Pig Pokes!!! Tank-sized Teasing!!!
So, I thought I’d give you a sample of the Jumbo Jibes -- and feeble attempts at humor -- these Big-Bellied Bubbas been shooting my way.
From Young Mr. Agnew:
“As a member of Rod’s infamous weight loss contest (as a side note it really shouldn’t be called Rod’s as he has never won) I’d like to get a few things off of my chest other than about 60 pounds. With regards to our “Captain of Cream” and by cream I of course mean Ice Cream, not the popular band of the 70’s, it is probable that he once again will not win this contest. I am hopeful that I will walk away (walk, not jog or run) victorious this year, a feat that I haven’t been able to match since the “original” weight loss contest. This little-known contest didn’t get the publicity like the present day one. It probably didn’t get the publicity because it was yet another contest Mr. Shealy failed to win. This year, we have one of the larger contests on our hands, and that sparks even more incentive to win, something I doubt our esteemed publisher will be doing yet again this year. If you have noticed a developing theme in my letter, it is for good reason. Although I would like to win the contest this year, as long as one of my deserving colleagues wins, and they are not the publisher of a paper, I will be happy. I wish the best of luck to all participants… with the exception of Rod!”
From Jimmy Carroll:
“Weight loss, how about we change the game to memory loss. No huh, well as for your beach bum contestant, he is still holding give or take 6lbs lost. Darn, I am still walking every night, I gave up my life blood, sweet tea, I mean, real sweet tea and darn it, only 6 lbs!!!!! O-well, maybe I am becoming all muscle and my body is creating 6 pack abs, but the mirror doesn't agree. So unless there is some miracle here on the good ole Isle of Palms, I may be out another $100 bucks.”
From Kirk Luther:
“I realized that my wait loss has not decreased but has increased substantially since the beginning of this contest. I've calculated what my 'wait deficiency' is currently and want to share it with all of you: Wait for coffee pot to brew each morning: 3.2 x 30 days since start of contest = 96; Wait at the doctors office: 58; Wait at DMV: 43.5; Wait at dentist: 16.4; Wait for stimulus check: 63 days since Obama took office (90,720); Wait for this stupid contest to end as of today: 30 days or 43200; TOTAL WAIT (in minutes): 134,133.9. So there you have it... I have lost 2235..565 hours or 93.148 days trying to win $1200. If I had spent that time actually working for minimum wage at the current SC rate of $6.55 per hour I would have earned $14,642.95. We either have to up the ante for this contest or reconsider our priorities.”
So, as you can see from the three samples above, extreme weight-loss diets apparently not only make you hungry and ornery, but also seem to completely drain one’s humor writing talents. (I wish them luck at winning the money in the weigh-loss competition… cause they’re not gonna make it on the comedy circuit.)
And to my readers…. I’m sorry you had to witness this. I promise to never again include anything submitted from any of the other contestants in our weight-loss contest.
And I promise I’ll be back next week with my own rip-roaring, side-splitting, half-witted brand of fun, frolic, and frivolity. Or else something else.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
How to use your extra hour
So, how are you enjoying your extra hour so far? If you’re like me, you’re still sleepy from the hour we missed Saturday night!!!
Last week, I arrived at a conservative valuation for the combined “extra hours” all Americans would have this year, thanks to Daylight Savings Time, of approximately $720 billion. (I now know that figure was a little high, because I have learned that two states – Arizona and Hawaii – do not participate in this hoax. Arizona I can definitely understand. If their legislature tried to sell an extra hour of 115 degree desert afternoon heat every day to those Old Retired Arizona Geezers, they’d be chased out of office faster than you can say, “Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!” So, I’ve adjusted my Economic Impact estimate down to and even $700 billion!)
I also noted that most people, even though they’re hurting financially due to “The Recession”, don’t have the foggiest notion, not even a clue, how to use their extra useable hour to help make ends meet.
So, as promised, I’m pleased to present Rod-Boy’s List of Some Good Old Fashioned Common-Sense Ways to Make A Few Extra Bucks to Survive the Recession. (Incidentally, if this recession isn’t making things a little tight and uncomfortable for you, then you’re one of the fortunate ones, and the rest of this column isn’t for you. But, as someone who has had to scrape together loose change to buy enough gas to get to work more times -- and more recently -- than I care to admit, I’m offering this advice for the rest of us.) So, here it is… my absolutely FREE advice -- and worth two or three times that much:
1. Work more! If are self-employed or in sales, this is easy. If not, then offer to work overtime or assume additional responsibilities, or volunteer to do work at your office that would normally be handed off to temps.
2. Get a second-job utilizing your career skills. If there’s no extra work available where you work, find another company which needs your skills and do a little moonlighting.
3. Get a part-time job in another field. While few businesses hire part-timers for one-hours shifts, many restaurants, retailers, telemarketing firms, etc., are looking for extra help during certain times of the week, like Friday night, Sunday afternoon, or Saturdays. So use your extra hours each day to spend extra quality time with the kids, then take your Friday night for a part-time job.
4. Take on odd jobs, such as yard work, painting, housecleaning, car wash, dog sit, spring cleaning, haul-off, gutter cleaning, etc. Simply put the word out to your friends that you’re available, and keep putting it out until your phone rings.
5. Sit. Baby sit, dog sit, house sit, and so on. Again, put the word out to friends that you’re available to keep kids in your home or theirs. Since there are plenty of moms who are taking on extra part-time jobs themselves, there are plenty of people looking for extra child care services.
6. Be an errand driver one day a week, or one evening. Plenty of seniors or shut-ins who need someone to run errands for them, or to be driven so they can do their own shopping or errands.
7. Offer services. You probably have some skills or talents which you’ve overlooked: tax preparation, computer repair, home/appliance repair, oil change and auto mechanic, cooking/catering, or designing. Again, put the word out to your friends, and ask them to tell their friends. There are people who need the skill you possess.
8. Work at home on-line. In this new world of technology, there are many online opportunities: data-entry, billing, design, writing, computer skills. Of course, there are also plenty of online scams, so make sure the money (and information) is coming TO you, not FROM you.
9. Sell your stuff. Sell items you do not need at the flea market, in the want ads, or online on Ebay or Craigslist. Then, if you seem to have a knack for it, perhaps you can use your receipts to continue to buy and sell items at a profit. Just make sure you’re actually making a profit.
10. Sign up with a temp agency. If you can’t seem to make the items above work for you, then go to a temp agency, and let ‘em know when you’re available. Since the economy is bad, some businesses are relying on temps to do work formerly done by employees.
11. Teach lessons or tutor. Somewhere out there are people who want to learn how to do something you already know how to do. Show them… for a small fee.
12. Become a salesman. This is my personal favorite, because it comes natural to me… but it also comes natural to most people. Take a sales job, and spend your spare time meeting new friends and asking them if they want to buy whatever you’re selling. You can join some sort of sales company, such as a multi-level marketing outfit (because those things actually do work for lots of people), or you can simply approach local businesses and ask them to let you sell for them. Most businesses would like an extra part-time salesman that could be paid based on sales made.
There you have it. A dozen ways you can use your extra hour each day to help you survive during these tough times. Maybe you have some other suggestions you can send for me to pass along. Send me one of those Electronic Emails at RodShealy@aol.com.
That my FREE advice… and prolly worth two or three times that much! While the Economic Experts are telling you how to survive the recession by CUTTING costs – which incidentally HURTS our economy – I decided to go a different direction and suggest ways to MAKE MORE money.
Or, again, you can just sit in front of the TV for an extra hour each day and watch the news about how bad the recession is.
Last week, I arrived at a conservative valuation for the combined “extra hours” all Americans would have this year, thanks to Daylight Savings Time, of approximately $720 billion. (I now know that figure was a little high, because I have learned that two states – Arizona and Hawaii – do not participate in this hoax. Arizona I can definitely understand. If their legislature tried to sell an extra hour of 115 degree desert afternoon heat every day to those Old Retired Arizona Geezers, they’d be chased out of office faster than you can say, “Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!” So, I’ve adjusted my Economic Impact estimate down to and even $700 billion!)
I also noted that most people, even though they’re hurting financially due to “The Recession”, don’t have the foggiest notion, not even a clue, how to use their extra useable hour to help make ends meet.
So, as promised, I’m pleased to present Rod-Boy’s List of Some Good Old Fashioned Common-Sense Ways to Make A Few Extra Bucks to Survive the Recession. (Incidentally, if this recession isn’t making things a little tight and uncomfortable for you, then you’re one of the fortunate ones, and the rest of this column isn’t for you. But, as someone who has had to scrape together loose change to buy enough gas to get to work more times -- and more recently -- than I care to admit, I’m offering this advice for the rest of us.) So, here it is… my absolutely FREE advice -- and worth two or three times that much:
1. Work more! If are self-employed or in sales, this is easy. If not, then offer to work overtime or assume additional responsibilities, or volunteer to do work at your office that would normally be handed off to temps.
2. Get a second-job utilizing your career skills. If there’s no extra work available where you work, find another company which needs your skills and do a little moonlighting.
3. Get a part-time job in another field. While few businesses hire part-timers for one-hours shifts, many restaurants, retailers, telemarketing firms, etc., are looking for extra help during certain times of the week, like Friday night, Sunday afternoon, or Saturdays. So use your extra hours each day to spend extra quality time with the kids, then take your Friday night for a part-time job.
4. Take on odd jobs, such as yard work, painting, housecleaning, car wash, dog sit, spring cleaning, haul-off, gutter cleaning, etc. Simply put the word out to your friends that you’re available, and keep putting it out until your phone rings.
5. Sit. Baby sit, dog sit, house sit, and so on. Again, put the word out to friends that you’re available to keep kids in your home or theirs. Since there are plenty of moms who are taking on extra part-time jobs themselves, there are plenty of people looking for extra child care services.
6. Be an errand driver one day a week, or one evening. Plenty of seniors or shut-ins who need someone to run errands for them, or to be driven so they can do their own shopping or errands.
7. Offer services. You probably have some skills or talents which you’ve overlooked: tax preparation, computer repair, home/appliance repair, oil change and auto mechanic, cooking/catering, or designing. Again, put the word out to your friends, and ask them to tell their friends. There are people who need the skill you possess.
8. Work at home on-line. In this new world of technology, there are many online opportunities: data-entry, billing, design, writing, computer skills. Of course, there are also plenty of online scams, so make sure the money (and information) is coming TO you, not FROM you.
9. Sell your stuff. Sell items you do not need at the flea market, in the want ads, or online on Ebay or Craigslist. Then, if you seem to have a knack for it, perhaps you can use your receipts to continue to buy and sell items at a profit. Just make sure you’re actually making a profit.
10. Sign up with a temp agency. If you can’t seem to make the items above work for you, then go to a temp agency, and let ‘em know when you’re available. Since the economy is bad, some businesses are relying on temps to do work formerly done by employees.
11. Teach lessons or tutor. Somewhere out there are people who want to learn how to do something you already know how to do. Show them… for a small fee.
12. Become a salesman. This is my personal favorite, because it comes natural to me… but it also comes natural to most people. Take a sales job, and spend your spare time meeting new friends and asking them if they want to buy whatever you’re selling. You can join some sort of sales company, such as a multi-level marketing outfit (because those things actually do work for lots of people), or you can simply approach local businesses and ask them to let you sell for them. Most businesses would like an extra part-time salesman that could be paid based on sales made.
There you have it. A dozen ways you can use your extra hour each day to help you survive during these tough times. Maybe you have some other suggestions you can send for me to pass along. Send me one of those Electronic Emails at RodShealy@aol.com.
That my FREE advice… and prolly worth two or three times that much! While the Economic Experts are telling you how to survive the recession by CUTTING costs – which incidentally HURTS our economy – I decided to go a different direction and suggest ways to MAKE MORE money.
Or, again, you can just sit in front of the TV for an extra hour each day and watch the news about how bad the recession is.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
An extra hour!
This weekend, we will once again embark on the annual hoax we refer to as
Daylight Savings Time.
It’s a harmless hoax, because we’re all in it together. We’re collectively playing a giant practical joke on ourselves: fooling ourselves into believing we’ve created an extra hour!!!
After our bodies get over the shock of losing an hour of sleep on Saturday night – which, in my case, will probably take about a month of daily half-hour naps – we will be rewarded with an extra hour of daylight every afternoon until November. An extra hour!
In reality, it’s not an extra hour, because you cannot create time – not even Congress, which authored the current DST hoax – but it does SEEM to be an extra hour!
What it is, in reality, is an extra USEABLE hour each day… useable because it’s tacked on to the end of the workday.
So, for all practical purposes, we all get an extra hour per day to use as we see fit.
Hold that thought for a moment while we explore a different concept…
Time is money.
We’ve all heard that adage, and we inherently know it’s true. Time is money. If you work an hour, you get paid for an hour. If you work eight hours, you get paid for eight hours.
Now, hold THAT though for a moment while we move on to yet at THIRD concept: We are in a recession. Our economy is suffering. We don’t have enough money. Businesses are collapsing. Everywhere, people are worried about how they’re going to pay their bills… about how they’re going to survive.
Okay… now, let’s take those three concepts and try to connect the dots:
First, we’re in a recession, and everybody needs more money.
Second, time is money.
Third, starting next week, we’re all going to have an extra useable hour of time each week.
Are you seeing where I’m going with this? Doesn’t it seem like the extra hour – which is time, which is money – ought to put a dent in the recession?
Let’s do the math. If each person gets an extra hour per day, that means they have 30 extra hours per month. There are roughly 300 million people in America. That comes to 9 billion extra useable hours per month in America. Eight months of DST… now we have 72 billion extra useable hours this year. Let’s put a conservative average value on an hour of $10… meaning the extra useable hours THIS YEAR alone should be worth $720 billion…. nearly as much as the bailout!!!
So, it turns out, we didn’t really need a bailout at all… we just each need to use our extra hour per day to do something useful for our own economy!!!
That’s the good news. Now here’s the bad news. It will not work that way because – despite the fact that they all KNOW time is money – very few Americans understand how to apply that concept anymore. Once upon a time, we all knew. A century or two ago, when we were still an agricultural society, with an occasional craftsman thrown in, virtually all Americans understood that to make more money, you could simply work more hours. By working more hours, farmers could plant and harvest more acres. By working more hours, craftsmen could produce more goods to sell.
But then came the industrial revolution, and eventually mass-production, the assembly line, and factories, and suddenly most Americans simply worked whatever hours the boss told them to work. Sure, they got paid for their hours, but gradually they lost their entrepreneurial instincts.
And, today, confronted with an uncertain financial future, but a sudden boon of seven extra hours each week to use, most Americans – I would guess 9 out of 10 – have absolutely no idea how to connect those dots to create extra income for themselves.
So, just because I like to help out as I can, I’m going to give you some common-sense suggestions on how to use your extra hours for extra income.
Next week.
In the meantime, why don’t you see if you can figure it out for yourself? If you come up with really good ideas, send them to me and I will share them with the rest of the class. Email to me at RodShealy@aol.com
And next week, I’ll offer at least a dozen ideas on how you can use your extra hour to beat the recession.
Or, if you prefer, you can just watch TV… especially the news, to find out how bad this economy is.
Daylight Savings Time.
It’s a harmless hoax, because we’re all in it together. We’re collectively playing a giant practical joke on ourselves: fooling ourselves into believing we’ve created an extra hour!!!
After our bodies get over the shock of losing an hour of sleep on Saturday night – which, in my case, will probably take about a month of daily half-hour naps – we will be rewarded with an extra hour of daylight every afternoon until November. An extra hour!
In reality, it’s not an extra hour, because you cannot create time – not even Congress, which authored the current DST hoax – but it does SEEM to be an extra hour!
What it is, in reality, is an extra USEABLE hour each day… useable because it’s tacked on to the end of the workday.
So, for all practical purposes, we all get an extra hour per day to use as we see fit.
Hold that thought for a moment while we explore a different concept…
Time is money.
We’ve all heard that adage, and we inherently know it’s true. Time is money. If you work an hour, you get paid for an hour. If you work eight hours, you get paid for eight hours.
Now, hold THAT though for a moment while we move on to yet at THIRD concept: We are in a recession. Our economy is suffering. We don’t have enough money. Businesses are collapsing. Everywhere, people are worried about how they’re going to pay their bills… about how they’re going to survive.
Okay… now, let’s take those three concepts and try to connect the dots:
First, we’re in a recession, and everybody needs more money.
Second, time is money.
Third, starting next week, we’re all going to have an extra useable hour of time each week.
Are you seeing where I’m going with this? Doesn’t it seem like the extra hour – which is time, which is money – ought to put a dent in the recession?
Let’s do the math. If each person gets an extra hour per day, that means they have 30 extra hours per month. There are roughly 300 million people in America. That comes to 9 billion extra useable hours per month in America. Eight months of DST… now we have 72 billion extra useable hours this year. Let’s put a conservative average value on an hour of $10… meaning the extra useable hours THIS YEAR alone should be worth $720 billion…. nearly as much as the bailout!!!
So, it turns out, we didn’t really need a bailout at all… we just each need to use our extra hour per day to do something useful for our own economy!!!
That’s the good news. Now here’s the bad news. It will not work that way because – despite the fact that they all KNOW time is money – very few Americans understand how to apply that concept anymore. Once upon a time, we all knew. A century or two ago, when we were still an agricultural society, with an occasional craftsman thrown in, virtually all Americans understood that to make more money, you could simply work more hours. By working more hours, farmers could plant and harvest more acres. By working more hours, craftsmen could produce more goods to sell.
But then came the industrial revolution, and eventually mass-production, the assembly line, and factories, and suddenly most Americans simply worked whatever hours the boss told them to work. Sure, they got paid for their hours, but gradually they lost their entrepreneurial instincts.
And, today, confronted with an uncertain financial future, but a sudden boon of seven extra hours each week to use, most Americans – I would guess 9 out of 10 – have absolutely no idea how to connect those dots to create extra income for themselves.
So, just because I like to help out as I can, I’m going to give you some common-sense suggestions on how to use your extra hours for extra income.
Next week.
In the meantime, why don’t you see if you can figure it out for yourself? If you come up with really good ideas, send them to me and I will share them with the rest of the class. Email to me at RodShealy@aol.com
And next week, I’ll offer at least a dozen ideas on how you can use your extra hour to beat the recession.
Or, if you prefer, you can just watch TV… especially the news, to find out how bad this economy is.
Friday, February 27, 2009
A few good words
You may know that I have “invented” a few words in the past. They are good words. I am hopeful that my words eventually become part of the lexicon… and possibly even find their way into Webster’s and Thorndike-Barnhart.
Inventing new words is not something to be taken lightly. You really don’t want to be running around willy-nilly coming up with new words. The English language is cluttered enough as it is.
But, occasionally, there is a need for a new word, because there’s something new that you need to say. “Website”, “software”, and “Internet” are all words which we didn’t need 30 years ago, but now we do!
Recognizing the need, I invented my first two words some years back. The words were: “ar” and “teafill”.
“Ar” means the same as “and/or”. You see that phrase a lot, so I thought there ought to be a word which means “and/or”. I chose the word “ar”. It has not yet been included in Webster’s Dictionary, but I’m holding out hope.
“Teafill” is my word which means “tea refill”, a phrase that I seem to use a lot. It’s a good word. Webster’s should definitely pick up on this one.
I should point out that neither of these words have yet been widely accepted, but I am confident that, someday, they will. (And I intend to keep mentioning them at least once a year in this column until they catch on.)
If I had to choose one of my words to be included in Webster’s, I’d pick “ar”, because it would be a very helpful word when playing Scrabble
Last year, I invented my third word. The word is “crookwards”. I invented it while hanging some framed documents on the wall. I know what it means, but I still haven’t written an exact definition.
Today, I want to introduce four brand new words I have invented, again because I see the need:
The first word is “yappity”. It’s an adjective, and it’s literal definition, I have decided is “talking in a non-stop manner, similar to a puppy barking”. Believe it or not, this word was inspired by a female.
The next new word is “rainshine”. It’s the reflection of lights against the wet pavement. I thought of that word while I was driving, if you can believe it!
The third word is “flurb”. It’s a much needed word here in the South where we have heat and humidity. “Flurbing” is the condition of two rubbery or fleshlike items “grabbing” when they rub together. For instance, if you’re wearing Bermuda shorts in the summertime and your bare leg seems to stick to a vinyl restaurant booth or car seat. Then, my friend, you have “flurbed”.
My final new word is a word we don’t technically need yet, but I’m pretty sure we’re GOING to need it if our Governor, Mark Sanford, continues running for President. The word is “laster”, and the news media is going to need it when they try to explain to the nation exactly what kind of a governor Sanford has been:
“As Governor, Mark Sanford succeeded in taking a state which was last in almost everything and making it laster!”
As you can see, these are some really good words. They should all become part of our language.
Okay, gotta go now. I hear a yappity visitor outside my office, but I’m flurbed to my chair.
Inventing new words is not something to be taken lightly. You really don’t want to be running around willy-nilly coming up with new words. The English language is cluttered enough as it is.
But, occasionally, there is a need for a new word, because there’s something new that you need to say. “Website”, “software”, and “Internet” are all words which we didn’t need 30 years ago, but now we do!
Recognizing the need, I invented my first two words some years back. The words were: “ar” and “teafill”.
“Ar” means the same as “and/or”. You see that phrase a lot, so I thought there ought to be a word which means “and/or”. I chose the word “ar”. It has not yet been included in Webster’s Dictionary, but I’m holding out hope.
“Teafill” is my word which means “tea refill”, a phrase that I seem to use a lot. It’s a good word. Webster’s should definitely pick up on this one.
I should point out that neither of these words have yet been widely accepted, but I am confident that, someday, they will. (And I intend to keep mentioning them at least once a year in this column until they catch on.)
If I had to choose one of my words to be included in Webster’s, I’d pick “ar”, because it would be a very helpful word when playing Scrabble
Last year, I invented my third word. The word is “crookwards”. I invented it while hanging some framed documents on the wall. I know what it means, but I still haven’t written an exact definition.
Today, I want to introduce four brand new words I have invented, again because I see the need:
The first word is “yappity”. It’s an adjective, and it’s literal definition, I have decided is “talking in a non-stop manner, similar to a puppy barking”. Believe it or not, this word was inspired by a female.
The next new word is “rainshine”. It’s the reflection of lights against the wet pavement. I thought of that word while I was driving, if you can believe it!
The third word is “flurb”. It’s a much needed word here in the South where we have heat and humidity. “Flurbing” is the condition of two rubbery or fleshlike items “grabbing” when they rub together. For instance, if you’re wearing Bermuda shorts in the summertime and your bare leg seems to stick to a vinyl restaurant booth or car seat. Then, my friend, you have “flurbed”.
My final new word is a word we don’t technically need yet, but I’m pretty sure we’re GOING to need it if our Governor, Mark Sanford, continues running for President. The word is “laster”, and the news media is going to need it when they try to explain to the nation exactly what kind of a governor Sanford has been:
“As Governor, Mark Sanford succeeded in taking a state which was last in almost everything and making it laster!”
As you can see, these are some really good words. They should all become part of our language.
Okay, gotta go now. I hear a yappity visitor outside my office, but I’m flurbed to my chair.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
February: The Little Month That Could!!
I’m a big fan of February.
Not that I play favorites with the months. I don’t. I like ‘em all. And I would probably be considered a little “odd” or “unusual” or “a total whack-job” if it was ever discovered that I had the names of all twelve months typed neatly into a password-protected excel spreadsheet on my laptop computer, each one ranked in order based on various criteria, including number of days, average temperature, special occasions, and derivation of name.
I do not have such a list, probably because (a) I strive for total conformity and acceptance; (b) I never thought of it until now; and (c) I can’t password-protect anything, because, invariably, if I try, I forget the password.
But back to February… which I like to think of as “The Little Month That Could”.
Last weekend, halfway through the month, I thought to myself: “Whew! I need to stop and get some rest!!!”
How much can they pack into one short, little month?
It started with probably the biggest event of the year, other than Christmas, an American Institution: Super Bowl!!!
By the time we fully recover from Super Bowl weekend -- probably haven’t yet even memorized all of the new Million Dollar super Bowl Ads -- it’s Valentine’s Day, which this year was part of the Presidents Day three-day weekend!
And while we’re still packing away our bright red Valentine’s Day belt and socks, along comes Mardi Gras and Ash Wednesday. You don’t have to be in New Orleans to hand out beads, y’know!
Right in the middle of all that fun and frivolity come the Grammys and the Oscars… the only two awards show that matter even a little bit.
And, of course, during the entire month, the flow of tax refund checks has started, so lotsa folks start having a little jing-a-ling in their pockets. Shopping!!!
From Shopping to Sports, from Partying to Presidents… February’s got it all!
You like sports? How’s this: Start with the biggest sporting event of the year, the Super Bowl. Kick off NASCAR with the Daytona 500. College hoops in full swing. And even start the training camps for Major League Baseball. Now THAT’s a busy month for a sports fan…. and all in 28 short days!!!
For the superstitious, we had a Ground Hog Day AND a Friday the 13th!
So many great Presidents were born in February (2) that we were forced to roll them into ONE holiday. Otherwise, we’d be celebrating one every other week!!!
Did I mention “Random Acts of Kindness” Week?
And, just for extra thrills, not once, not twice, but three times during the month so far, the weatherman has officially mentioned “a chance of snow”.
And as if that’s not enough, this year, we had the BIGGEST EVENT of them all – possibly the biggest event since Y2K: February 17th, the switch from analog to digital that we’ve been hearing about for two years!!!! Woooo, woooo!!! Let’s party!!!!
I hope YOU enjoy February as much as I do. I think it’s a great way to get over that month-long Holiday Hangover we refer to as “January”.
-------------------------------------------------
Moving on, you may recall from last week that I’m a Big-Fat-Giant Hippo-Pig-Whale, and it was time to kick off our Annual Fifteen Fat Guys Weight Loss Contest.
Well, we kicked it off last week, except that instead of 15, we had 12, one of which is not a guy at all, but a gal. Just in case you’re hankering to keep score – and to put adequate public pressure on all of us – here are the initial weigh-in scores for each of us, taken directly from a non-password-protected excel spreadsheet on my laptop computer listing various criteria, ranked in order based on first listed to last listed:
Reigning Champion Don Gawrys -- 374.2; Three-time champion Kirk Luther -- 247.0; Bruce Holland -- 229.6; Tom Beottger -- 267.8; Terry Campbell -- 235.4; Norman Agnew -- 285.2; Jim Miles -- 241.0; Doug Adam -- 277.2; Denis Vaucher -- 228.2; Jimmy Carroll -- 228.2; and, yours truly, Rod-Boy Shealy -- a massive, whopping, huge-enormous, earth-orbit-altering 248.6 lbs.
I’ll keep you posted with our weigh loss progress in the weeks ahead between now and the final weigh-in in April.
In the meantime, my advice to you is this: If you run into any of these people on the street, stay as far away from them a possible. They’re hungry. They’re grouchy. And they may try to take a bite out of your arm.
Not that I play favorites with the months. I don’t. I like ‘em all. And I would probably be considered a little “odd” or “unusual” or “a total whack-job” if it was ever discovered that I had the names of all twelve months typed neatly into a password-protected excel spreadsheet on my laptop computer, each one ranked in order based on various criteria, including number of days, average temperature, special occasions, and derivation of name.
I do not have such a list, probably because (a) I strive for total conformity and acceptance; (b) I never thought of it until now; and (c) I can’t password-protect anything, because, invariably, if I try, I forget the password.
But back to February… which I like to think of as “The Little Month That Could”.
Last weekend, halfway through the month, I thought to myself: “Whew! I need to stop and get some rest!!!”
How much can they pack into one short, little month?
It started with probably the biggest event of the year, other than Christmas, an American Institution: Super Bowl!!!
By the time we fully recover from Super Bowl weekend -- probably haven’t yet even memorized all of the new Million Dollar super Bowl Ads -- it’s Valentine’s Day, which this year was part of the Presidents Day three-day weekend!
And while we’re still packing away our bright red Valentine’s Day belt and socks, along comes Mardi Gras and Ash Wednesday. You don’t have to be in New Orleans to hand out beads, y’know!
Right in the middle of all that fun and frivolity come the Grammys and the Oscars… the only two awards show that matter even a little bit.
And, of course, during the entire month, the flow of tax refund checks has started, so lotsa folks start having a little jing-a-ling in their pockets. Shopping!!!
From Shopping to Sports, from Partying to Presidents… February’s got it all!
You like sports? How’s this: Start with the biggest sporting event of the year, the Super Bowl. Kick off NASCAR with the Daytona 500. College hoops in full swing. And even start the training camps for Major League Baseball. Now THAT’s a busy month for a sports fan…. and all in 28 short days!!!
For the superstitious, we had a Ground Hog Day AND a Friday the 13th!
So many great Presidents were born in February (2) that we were forced to roll them into ONE holiday. Otherwise, we’d be celebrating one every other week!!!
Did I mention “Random Acts of Kindness” Week?
And, just for extra thrills, not once, not twice, but three times during the month so far, the weatherman has officially mentioned “a chance of snow”.
And as if that’s not enough, this year, we had the BIGGEST EVENT of them all – possibly the biggest event since Y2K: February 17th, the switch from analog to digital that we’ve been hearing about for two years!!!! Woooo, woooo!!! Let’s party!!!!
I hope YOU enjoy February as much as I do. I think it’s a great way to get over that month-long Holiday Hangover we refer to as “January”.
-------------------------------------------------
Moving on, you may recall from last week that I’m a Big-Fat-Giant Hippo-Pig-Whale, and it was time to kick off our Annual Fifteen Fat Guys Weight Loss Contest.
Well, we kicked it off last week, except that instead of 15, we had 12, one of which is not a guy at all, but a gal. Just in case you’re hankering to keep score – and to put adequate public pressure on all of us – here are the initial weigh-in scores for each of us, taken directly from a non-password-protected excel spreadsheet on my laptop computer listing various criteria, ranked in order based on first listed to last listed:
Reigning Champion Don Gawrys -- 374.2; Three-time champion Kirk Luther -- 247.0; Bruce Holland -- 229.6; Tom Beottger -- 267.8; Terry Campbell -- 235.4; Norman Agnew -- 285.2; Jim Miles -- 241.0; Doug Adam -- 277.2; Denis Vaucher -- 228.2; Jimmy Carroll -- 228.2; and, yours truly, Rod-Boy Shealy -- a massive, whopping, huge-enormous, earth-orbit-altering 248.6 lbs.
I’ll keep you posted with our weigh loss progress in the weeks ahead between now and the final weigh-in in April.
In the meantime, my advice to you is this: If you run into any of these people on the street, stay as far away from them a possible. They’re hungry. They’re grouchy. And they may try to take a bite out of your arm.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
A healthy appetite
This week, I’m both happy and sad to report that I have a healthy appetite. That’s because I’m marking two separate occasions this week.
First, on Monday, we kicked off our annual “I’m a Big, Fat, Giant Hippo-Pig-Whale Again” Weight Loss Contest… which makes it a little unfortunate that I have a very healthy Hippo-Pig-Whale appetite, because it means by the time you read this, I’m probably going to be really, really hungry.
But, more important is the other occasion I’m observing this week, which makes me very HAPPY to have a healthy appetite: Wednesday, Feb. 11th, marks exactly six-months since I underwent surgery for cancer. And as my many other friends and acquaintances who are also cancer survivors can tell you, it’s a GREAT feeling to reach that benchmark.
If you are a regular reader of this column, you know I promised back in August to give periodic updates of my medical condition. Fortunately, there haven’t been many updates, because my medical condition has been GREAT, and hasn’t changed much at all.
You may recall that I was diagnosed with a cancerous brain tumor, likely a recurrence of a melanoma from 25 years earlier, by my friend, Dr. Oscar Lovelace. On August 11th, I underwent brain surgery at MUSC in Charleston to remove the malignant tumor, which had begun to affect my communication skills, including this column, which, back in July, was beginning to occasionally include blocks of total gibberish.
Miraculously, with the prayers of many, many friends, I recovered from that surgery quickly and fully, and was actually back on my laptop computer and cell-phone within two-days of the surgery!!! Rather than chemo or radiation therapy, my doctors advised regular monitoring to detect and treat any recurrence early. Consequently, I’ve undergone MRI’s or scans every month since August, with no evidence of cancer whatsoever. I’m clean. I’m happy. I’m healthy.
There are, of course, still blocks of total gibberish in many of my columns… but that’s usually just me attempting to be profound!
Along with my clean bill of health, it turns out, has come a healthy appetite… and I sho’nuff have one!
Suffice it to say that I’ve had no trouble convincing folks of my complete recovery from cancer once they see how big I’ve gotten! If I get any larger, they’ll give me my own zip code! (Br-r-r-rump!)
So, once again, I find myself well into the New Year, a Big, Fat, Giant Hippo-Pig-Whale, with my annual New Years Resolution to lose a few pounds merely a distant, shattered memory. And, once again, I find a dozen or so of my friends in the same boat.
So once again, we’re each throwing $100 American dollars in the pot, and laying down the mutual winners-take-all challenge. And talking smack to each other like NFL linebackers!
The difference is, when I talk smack, I put it into my newspaper column and onto my blog for the WHOLE WORLD to see. (Entering our weight loss contest is NOT for the timid. We WILL publish your name, your weight, and, if we can get our hands on it, your SAT scores, annual salary, credit report, and any unclaimed off-spring you may have sired.) The ladies who participate, however, we go easier on. Call me a chauvinist.
Anyway, as of press-time, we had not yet conducted our official beginning weigh-in – scheduled for Monday, Feb 9th at 5:30 pm -- so I can’t really be sure who is participating in the contest.
Expected participants, however, included Don Gawrys, Manager of Michaels (and reigning Champ); Terry Campbell, Nationwide Insurance; Jim Miles, former Secretary of State; Doug Adam, The Indesign Firm; Kirk Luther, Chairman of the Okra Strut (and former three-time champ); Norman Agnew, Agnew Lake Service; Shirley Towne, ADT Security; Dennis Vaucher, our first Euro-American contestant; Jimmy Carroll, Isle of Palms Realtor Extraordinaire; Tom Boettger of Carrabba’s; Bruce Holland, Attorney and Official Money-Changer; and yours truly, Rod-Boy, currently a big, fat, giant hippo-pig-whale.
And possibly a few others who were still trying to decide if they’re really as fat as the mirror indicates!
The contest period is exactly EIGHT WEEKS, beginning Monday, Feb. 9th and ending Monday, April 6th, with a final weigh-in. Then, the two winners split the pot: most pounds lost, and biggest percentage lost.
(Although it hasn’t started yet as I write this, I’m already getting hungry. I’ll bet I’m gonna be REALLY starving by April. Hey, I just thought of a good April Fools Joke I can play on myself!!!)
We'll have optional weekly weigh-ins, and hopefully get regular "unofficial" reports via email, so I will keep you posted and let you know just how big of LOSERS we really are.
The other rules of the contest are… There ARE no other rules!!! Cheating is okay... anything goes, such as having a dozen Krispy Kreme donuts delivered to each of the other contestants!!!! (Or offering them free ice cream at Gatsbees!!!) You want to get Lipo so you can win? Go for it. Cut off a limb? Perfectly legal. Anything goes.
So, by the time you read this, I will be on a strict diet, yearning for a morsel of most anything… but resisting the temptation, because I need to lose a lot of weight. I’ve had a very healthy appetite, and it’s made me WAYYYY overweight!
And, this year, I’m very thankful for that!
--------------------------
You’re always welcome to let me know you agree, disagree, can’t make sense of, or simply don’t care about anything I’ve written here… or about any other topic that happens to be on your mind. You can email me directly at: RodShealy@aol.com. (Or, you can post your outrageous opinions on my FaceBook page!!! That’s right: I’m very hip, because I’m on FaceBook!!!)
And, if reading it once just wasn’t enough for you, read it again online – along with previous columns -- at my modern-technology Electronic Internet blog: www.doingthefirst.blogspot.com.
First, on Monday, we kicked off our annual “I’m a Big, Fat, Giant Hippo-Pig-Whale Again” Weight Loss Contest… which makes it a little unfortunate that I have a very healthy Hippo-Pig-Whale appetite, because it means by the time you read this, I’m probably going to be really, really hungry.
But, more important is the other occasion I’m observing this week, which makes me very HAPPY to have a healthy appetite: Wednesday, Feb. 11th, marks exactly six-months since I underwent surgery for cancer. And as my many other friends and acquaintances who are also cancer survivors can tell you, it’s a GREAT feeling to reach that benchmark.
If you are a regular reader of this column, you know I promised back in August to give periodic updates of my medical condition. Fortunately, there haven’t been many updates, because my medical condition has been GREAT, and hasn’t changed much at all.
You may recall that I was diagnosed with a cancerous brain tumor, likely a recurrence of a melanoma from 25 years earlier, by my friend, Dr. Oscar Lovelace. On August 11th, I underwent brain surgery at MUSC in Charleston to remove the malignant tumor, which had begun to affect my communication skills, including this column, which, back in July, was beginning to occasionally include blocks of total gibberish.
Miraculously, with the prayers of many, many friends, I recovered from that surgery quickly and fully, and was actually back on my laptop computer and cell-phone within two-days of the surgery!!! Rather than chemo or radiation therapy, my doctors advised regular monitoring to detect and treat any recurrence early. Consequently, I’ve undergone MRI’s or scans every month since August, with no evidence of cancer whatsoever. I’m clean. I’m happy. I’m healthy.
There are, of course, still blocks of total gibberish in many of my columns… but that’s usually just me attempting to be profound!
Along with my clean bill of health, it turns out, has come a healthy appetite… and I sho’nuff have one!
Suffice it to say that I’ve had no trouble convincing folks of my complete recovery from cancer once they see how big I’ve gotten! If I get any larger, they’ll give me my own zip code! (Br-r-r-rump!)
So, once again, I find myself well into the New Year, a Big, Fat, Giant Hippo-Pig-Whale, with my annual New Years Resolution to lose a few pounds merely a distant, shattered memory. And, once again, I find a dozen or so of my friends in the same boat.
So once again, we’re each throwing $100 American dollars in the pot, and laying down the mutual winners-take-all challenge. And talking smack to each other like NFL linebackers!
The difference is, when I talk smack, I put it into my newspaper column and onto my blog for the WHOLE WORLD to see. (Entering our weight loss contest is NOT for the timid. We WILL publish your name, your weight, and, if we can get our hands on it, your SAT scores, annual salary, credit report, and any unclaimed off-spring you may have sired.) The ladies who participate, however, we go easier on. Call me a chauvinist.
Anyway, as of press-time, we had not yet conducted our official beginning weigh-in – scheduled for Monday, Feb 9th at 5:30 pm -- so I can’t really be sure who is participating in the contest.
Expected participants, however, included Don Gawrys, Manager of Michaels (and reigning Champ); Terry Campbell, Nationwide Insurance; Jim Miles, former Secretary of State; Doug Adam, The Indesign Firm; Kirk Luther, Chairman of the Okra Strut (and former three-time champ); Norman Agnew, Agnew Lake Service; Shirley Towne, ADT Security; Dennis Vaucher, our first Euro-American contestant; Jimmy Carroll, Isle of Palms Realtor Extraordinaire; Tom Boettger of Carrabba’s; Bruce Holland, Attorney and Official Money-Changer; and yours truly, Rod-Boy, currently a big, fat, giant hippo-pig-whale.
And possibly a few others who were still trying to decide if they’re really as fat as the mirror indicates!
The contest period is exactly EIGHT WEEKS, beginning Monday, Feb. 9th and ending Monday, April 6th, with a final weigh-in. Then, the two winners split the pot: most pounds lost, and biggest percentage lost.
(Although it hasn’t started yet as I write this, I’m already getting hungry. I’ll bet I’m gonna be REALLY starving by April. Hey, I just thought of a good April Fools Joke I can play on myself!!!)
We'll have optional weekly weigh-ins, and hopefully get regular "unofficial" reports via email, so I will keep you posted and let you know just how big of LOSERS we really are.
The other rules of the contest are… There ARE no other rules!!! Cheating is okay... anything goes, such as having a dozen Krispy Kreme donuts delivered to each of the other contestants!!!! (Or offering them free ice cream at Gatsbees!!!) You want to get Lipo so you can win? Go for it. Cut off a limb? Perfectly legal. Anything goes.
So, by the time you read this, I will be on a strict diet, yearning for a morsel of most anything… but resisting the temptation, because I need to lose a lot of weight. I’ve had a very healthy appetite, and it’s made me WAYYYY overweight!
And, this year, I’m very thankful for that!
--------------------------
You’re always welcome to let me know you agree, disagree, can’t make sense of, or simply don’t care about anything I’ve written here… or about any other topic that happens to be on your mind. You can email me directly at: RodShealy@aol.com. (Or, you can post your outrageous opinions on my FaceBook page!!! That’s right: I’m very hip, because I’m on FaceBook!!!)
And, if reading it once just wasn’t enough for you, read it again online – along with previous columns -- at my modern-technology Electronic Internet blog: www.doingthefirst.blogspot.com.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Meet The Beatles!!!
Next week, on February 9th, most of the world will overlook an anniversary, as perhaps they should. (After all, every day is the anniversary of something… and sooner or later we have to stop living in the past, right?)
But I feel the urge to mark this particular occasion here… probably just because I’m OLD, and frankly, I LIKE living in the past!
Here’s the anniversary: It was 45 years ago this month – February 9th, 1964, to be exact – that The Ed Sullivan Show gave America its first glimpse of a four-man musical combo which called itself “The Beatles”.
I was watching.
And if you’re currently 50-or-60 something, you probably were, too. I read recently that The Beatles initial performance on Ed Sullivan’s show is still the highest-rated non-sporting event in TV history. (I know its true, because I read it on The Internet!!!)
That event may not have started the cultural revolution we now refer to as “The Sixties”, but it was certainly a major catalyst. Just eleven weeks earlier, Kennedy had been assassinated, and the nation was still in shock. We needed something to change the conversation. And we got it.
The Lads from Liverpool burst onto the American scene like nothing we had ever witnessed before. And suddenly, the world began to change. (Bear in mind that my perspective might be a little off. I had just turned 10 years old, so my world was getting ready to change, with or without The Beatles.)
For three consecutive weeks, The Beatles headlined Sullivan’s Sunday night variety show -- always accompanied by a theatre full of wildly screaming young girls -- and quickly became THE topic of conversation in America. Period.
Everybody was singing along, because the lyrics were easy to remember: “Yeah, yeah, yeah!” Even I could remember those words.
“I want to hold you hand!”
“She was just seventeen, if you know what I mean!”
“Shake it up, baby. Twist and Shout!”
“All my lovin’ I will send to you.”
And of course, “She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah!!!!”
Their music was actually quite good, with intricate harmonies and memorable, inventive melodies delivered in an exciting, upbeat tempo. But most of us didn’t realize it at the time. We mostly never got beyond their “gimmick”: the mop-tops.
Perhaps, somewhere in the world, maybe even in our own nation, males had worn their hair “long” before The Beatles showed up. But I had never seen ‘em. This was new and exciting. And a little weird at first -- a curiosity -- until everybody started doing it.
Within a year of that first appearance, my barber shop had a third offering on the price placard above his chair: “Haircut. Crewcut. Beatle Haircut.”
Then, for those of us who couldn’t quite get there (at the time) with the long hair, there were Beatle Wigs. I owned one. It looked very authentic when I wore it to my fourth grade classes.
Not only did The Beatles cause me to purchase the first record I ever even thought about owning, but I also invested in their “Beatles trading cards”.
As big of a Beatle’s fan as I became, I still couldn’t bring myself to completely abandon Walt Disney’s Wonderful World of Color, which was being televised on a different network directly opposite Sullivan. Somehow, to this day, forty-five years later, I still recall that Disney featured a three-part movie, “Scarecrow of Romney Marsh”, up against Sullivan. And it worked, because I remember turning the dial back and forth between the two channels so I could watch the movie without missing any of The Beatles.
A few years later, of course, John, Paul, George and Richard Starkey (Ringo’s real name) abandoned the mop-tops for regular-old scruffy-looking long hair, just like a couple million other hippies. In my young, innocent mind, I actually always gave The Beatles the credit (or blame) for the entire Sixties thing. Their music got druggy and psychedelic, they started hanging out with gurus and yogis and maharashis (and Yoko Ono), and, to be perfectly honest, they kinda just lost me.
They got away from me somewhere between Sgt. Pepper and Yellow Submarine. Abbey Road, for instance, was just way over my head. And White Album or Magical Mystery Tour… Cripes! They completely lost me.
But for a few Sunday nights in February, 1964, they captivated us, changed our conversation, and changed our world. And if you were there, you remember it, too.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Okay, enough living in the past. Back to the present. Reality.
And the reality is this: We’re well into the new year, and I’m a big, fat, giant hippo-pig-whale!!!
So, as I mentioned last week, I’m kicking off another $100 per person, winners-take-all Weight Loss Challenge. We’ve got about a dozen entries so far, but I’m hoping for more (so I can make more money when I win it all!!!)
If you think you might qualify to enter this contest…. Then let me break the suspense for you: You DO!!!
We start this coming Monday, February 9th, with a group weigh-in… which, by the way, is the 45 year anniversary of The Beatles first appearance on the Ed Sullivan Show. (Unlike the 1964 event, there will NOT be a theatre full of wildly screaming young fans for our weigh-in.) Email me if you want more details: RodShealy@aol.com
I want to win your money!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!!!
But I feel the urge to mark this particular occasion here… probably just because I’m OLD, and frankly, I LIKE living in the past!
Here’s the anniversary: It was 45 years ago this month – February 9th, 1964, to be exact – that The Ed Sullivan Show gave America its first glimpse of a four-man musical combo which called itself “The Beatles”.
I was watching.
And if you’re currently 50-or-60 something, you probably were, too. I read recently that The Beatles initial performance on Ed Sullivan’s show is still the highest-rated non-sporting event in TV history. (I know its true, because I read it on The Internet!!!)
That event may not have started the cultural revolution we now refer to as “The Sixties”, but it was certainly a major catalyst. Just eleven weeks earlier, Kennedy had been assassinated, and the nation was still in shock. We needed something to change the conversation. And we got it.
The Lads from Liverpool burst onto the American scene like nothing we had ever witnessed before. And suddenly, the world began to change. (Bear in mind that my perspective might be a little off. I had just turned 10 years old, so my world was getting ready to change, with or without The Beatles.)
For three consecutive weeks, The Beatles headlined Sullivan’s Sunday night variety show -- always accompanied by a theatre full of wildly screaming young girls -- and quickly became THE topic of conversation in America. Period.
Everybody was singing along, because the lyrics were easy to remember: “Yeah, yeah, yeah!” Even I could remember those words.
“I want to hold you hand!”
“She was just seventeen, if you know what I mean!”
“Shake it up, baby. Twist and Shout!”
“All my lovin’ I will send to you.”
And of course, “She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah!!!!”
Their music was actually quite good, with intricate harmonies and memorable, inventive melodies delivered in an exciting, upbeat tempo. But most of us didn’t realize it at the time. We mostly never got beyond their “gimmick”: the mop-tops.
Perhaps, somewhere in the world, maybe even in our own nation, males had worn their hair “long” before The Beatles showed up. But I had never seen ‘em. This was new and exciting. And a little weird at first -- a curiosity -- until everybody started doing it.
Within a year of that first appearance, my barber shop had a third offering on the price placard above his chair: “Haircut. Crewcut. Beatle Haircut.”
Then, for those of us who couldn’t quite get there (at the time) with the long hair, there were Beatle Wigs. I owned one. It looked very authentic when I wore it to my fourth grade classes.
Not only did The Beatles cause me to purchase the first record I ever even thought about owning, but I also invested in their “Beatles trading cards”.
As big of a Beatle’s fan as I became, I still couldn’t bring myself to completely abandon Walt Disney’s Wonderful World of Color, which was being televised on a different network directly opposite Sullivan. Somehow, to this day, forty-five years later, I still recall that Disney featured a three-part movie, “Scarecrow of Romney Marsh”, up against Sullivan. And it worked, because I remember turning the dial back and forth between the two channels so I could watch the movie without missing any of The Beatles.
A few years later, of course, John, Paul, George and Richard Starkey (Ringo’s real name) abandoned the mop-tops for regular-old scruffy-looking long hair, just like a couple million other hippies. In my young, innocent mind, I actually always gave The Beatles the credit (or blame) for the entire Sixties thing. Their music got druggy and psychedelic, they started hanging out with gurus and yogis and maharashis (and Yoko Ono), and, to be perfectly honest, they kinda just lost me.
They got away from me somewhere between Sgt. Pepper and Yellow Submarine. Abbey Road, for instance, was just way over my head. And White Album or Magical Mystery Tour… Cripes! They completely lost me.
But for a few Sunday nights in February, 1964, they captivated us, changed our conversation, and changed our world. And if you were there, you remember it, too.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Okay, enough living in the past. Back to the present. Reality.
And the reality is this: We’re well into the new year, and I’m a big, fat, giant hippo-pig-whale!!!
So, as I mentioned last week, I’m kicking off another $100 per person, winners-take-all Weight Loss Challenge. We’ve got about a dozen entries so far, but I’m hoping for more (so I can make more money when I win it all!!!)
If you think you might qualify to enter this contest…. Then let me break the suspense for you: You DO!!!
We start this coming Monday, February 9th, with a group weigh-in… which, by the way, is the 45 year anniversary of The Beatles first appearance on the Ed Sullivan Show. (Unlike the 1964 event, there will NOT be a theatre full of wildly screaming young fans for our weigh-in.) Email me if you want more details: RodShealy@aol.com
I want to win your money!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!!!
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