Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Spring Forward This Week

Don’t forget to set your clocks ahead one hour

This week, for the second time in less than a month, many Americans will once again set their clocks ahead one hour, thanks to a new Economic Stimulus program passed this month by Congress.

Called “Economic Stimulus Daylight Savings Time” (ESDST), the new program is totally voluntary for Americans wishing to dedicate an extra hour each day to reviving the economy.

With many citizens already planning to use their initial extra hour of Daylight Savings Time to earn extra income, thus stimulating the economy, Congress hopes a second, additional extra hour will stimulate the economy even more. The original proposal, which would have mandated the second hour of Daylight Savings Time for all states, stalled in the Senate after passing the House, forcing the Obama administration to offer a compromise which made the extra hour totally voluntary.

If the ESDST voluntary extra hour succeeds, sources say Obama will use that success to bolster his health care proposal, which is designed to work on the same principal.

To increase participation, the plan offers citizens additional incentives:

-- Participants will also be able to Spring Forward on their income taxes, with the traditional April 15th deadline moved forward one month to May 15th for those who sign up for the extra hour;
-- As an additional economic stimulus, participants will be allowed to roll-back the odometer on their primary vehicle by up to 10,000 miles;
-- The long-awaited “analog to digital” TV conversion will be delayed by up to one year for ESDST participants; and
-- All participants will be allowed to reset their home bathroom scales by up to 10 pounds, allowing instant weight loss for participants.

While traditional DST always begins at the hour of 2:00 am on a Saturday night/Sunday morning, ESDST will begin midweek, during the night of Tuesday, March 31st, with participants re-setting their clocks at 2:00 am Wednesday morning (4/1/2009).

Not all officials are happy with the Economic Development Daylight Savings Time plan.

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford rejected the extra hour outright, writing in a Wall Street Journal editorial that he will veto any future Daylight Savings Time legislation. Sanford, a strong proponent of the global economy, said he believes that the time-of-day should always be exactly the same in all time zones around the world. Known for his Libertarian leanings, Sanford said he also believes that each individual should have the right to choose their own time-of-day.

Sanford’s staunch Libertarian ally, Wall Street mogul Howard Rich, agreed with the Governor, and announced plans to fund new “Time-Choice” political organizations in a dozen states, appropriately named: “Iowans Against Gun Control”, “South Carolinians for Gooder Government”, “North Carolinians for Government Gooder than South Carolina’s”, “Texans United for Boots (TUB)”, “Utah Citizens for Wife”, “North Dakotans for Warmer Weather”, “Save The Seals”, “Rescue The Whales”, “Help the Hippos”, “Serving Fish to Tourists in Tee Shirts”, and “I Hate the New Facebook”.

It was unclear whether those groups have any connection to another recently formed organization, “Gullible Transplanted Northerners Who Always Fall for Rod-Boy’s Annual April Fools Columns”.

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