Winter Olympics, eh?!

I know Canada, our neighbor to the north, is our best buddy and all… and I’m rootin’ for our best allies and pals to do well in the competitions… but, I gotta tell you: their Winter Olympics show is a snoozer.

I know they tried hard in their opening ceremony…. but they’re just not known for their pageantry, like the ancient Chinese were back in the Summer of Naught Eight.

The Chinese had their flowing, multi-colored robes, their exotic dragons, and about a gazillion people, because lots of people is their number one product. And fireworks. They invented fireworks.

The Canadians, on the other hand, had clogging, bad poetry, and totem pole imitations.

While the Chinese had an endless supply of highly-disciplined young Madam Butterfly Dancers, the Canadians had to rely on a few old lumberjacks.

Still, the opening ceremony was the best part! The Vancouver games went downhill from there. (Get it? Downhill.)

Maybe I’m just a Southerner through-and-through, and thus reject all things Northern, like snow and ice.

But I gotta tell you… most of these Winter Olympic events are foreign to me.

Curling, for instance. What’s that all about?

And how do snow-skiing and shooting rifles fit together into one sport?

A lot of these sports seem to be very similar: just riding some sort of sled downhill! I don’t think you find these kind of gravity-enhanced events in the Summer Olympics.

I’ve always said that the Olympics, in general, seem to be a bit biased against America. The selection of sports -- summer or winter -- has never really favored the USA.

Baseball, for instance, gets one Gold Medal, while judo accounts for 14 Golds and fencing accounts for 10. Shouldn’t baseball have separate events -- and separate Gold Medals -- for pitching, batting, fielding, home runs, bunting, and base stealing. (For that matter, separate Golds for right-handers and left-handers, the same way the judo events are broken down by weight categories?)

Basketball, too, should have different Gold Medals for shooting, dribbling, blocking, passing, three-pointers, free throws, and jump balls. Also, I think there should be a separate event for “horse”.

And, frankly, basketball should be in the Winter Games, because it’s a winter sport. It was invented so kids could come inside out of the cold during the wintertime. The Head Honchos of the Winter Olympics -- the guys who make the rules -- seem to have conveniently overlooked all the winter sports that do not rely on snow, ice, or gravity.

Bowling, for instance. There’s a winter sport that Americans would fare right well at, I’ll bet. And billiards. And Guitar Hero.

Just because we Americans have sense enough to come in out of the snow and ice, don’t hold that against us. (Well, at least Southern Americans have enough sense to come in out of the cold!)

If they insist on including only the outdoor sports, they ought to at least broaden their horizons a bit.

Snowball fights. That would add some pizzazz to the Winter Olympics. And I’ll bet we could bring home the Gold every four years.

And spice up the figure skating a bit. Let all the teams get out on the ice at the same time, and turn it into a bit of a Demolition Derby. Last team standing wins!

First of all, the wipe outs are already the most exciting part. This way, there would just be more spills, and thusly, more excitement.

Secondly, it would solve the judging dilemma that seems to dominate figure-skating. As it is now, the judges seem to play politics with their scoring. Changing to a “last man standing” event solves that problem.

Here’s my last suggestion to help improve the Winter Olympics:

Football!

Can anyone explain to me why there’s not football in the Olympics, winter or summer? Does that seem fair to us?

The Super Bowl was just one week earlier, so adding a little football to the Olympics seems like a natural.

And if for some reason football doesn’t work…. NASCAR!

Either one will be fine, and either one would help add a little balance to an occasion which is currently a little too….. how do we kindly say? …. European! (That seems nicer than calling it “French”!)

Here’s an amazing statistic about the Winter Olympics: NBC reportedly paid $2.2 billion for the rights to broadcast the 2010 Vancouver Games!!!

That seems like a lot to me.

But I’m glad they did. Because, for a couple of weeks, anytime I want to catch a nap, all I’ve got to do is switch it on!