Wednesday, January 28, 2009

A very, thin line!

Since this is our Fifth Issue of the Month of January – and right on the verge of being February -- I’m going to give you a few random thoughts in today’s column.

First of all, I’m wondering why newspaper columns came to be known as “columns”, and their authors came to be as columnists. I suppose it’s because, in the days before computers, all newspapers were designed column-by-column and writers of little literary gems like this were regulated to a single column… but I’m not sure.

I really should know, having been in this business for nearly 20 years… but I DON’T know. Regardless, journalistic masterpieces such as this are no longer designed in a strict column format. Now, they’re designed more as “blurbs”. I should probably consider myself a “blurbist”, not a columnist.

Okay, back to this weeks blurb.

Ground Hog Day is coming up next week, February 2nd. Let me repeat my annual advice: Be sure to dress comfortably in case this happens to be the year that the movie comes true!!!

Speaking of movies, television and entertainment…

The Super Bowl is this Sunday. It’s time for an all new slew of Big-Time High-Priced TV advertising. The economy may be in a downward slide, but I’m betting you won’t be able to tell it from the television commercials during the Super Bowl.

Normally, I would be rooting for Pittsburgh I’ve been somewhat partial to the Steelers ever since the days of Mean Joe Green, who I liked, mainly because of his TV ads for Coke.

But this year, I find myself leaning toward the Arizona Cardinals, mainly because I’m a big fan of their standout receiver, Rod Tidwell.

In my world, there’s a very thin line between make-believe and real life.
Segue to “Is it real, or is it make believe?”

Sharp-eyed viewers who watched last weeks Presidential Inauguration on CNN caught a glimpse of a UFO sliding through the sky behind the Washington Monument. You can go online and see a clip of it for yourself.

Is it real, or is it make believe? Decide for yourself. I personally don’t think this was a real UFO – even though I AM a believer in them – because it did not appear to have the same shape and movement characteristics as the UFO’s in Close Encounters of the Third Kind.

A very thin line, I tell you.

Now let’s switch gears to a very, very real – and stark – reality.

I’m Fat Again.

Way fat!!! A big, fat, giant hippo-pig-whale!!!

It came to my attention this weekend when I attended a formal gala and tried to fit into my tux… and couldn’t.

(Okay, as soon as you stop rolling on the floor laughing at the dual absurdities of Rod-Boy a) in a tuxedo, and b) having been invited to a formal gala… we’ll continue with this week’s blurb.)

Anywho, it didn’t fit, because I am HUGE! Gargantuan! Ginormous! BIG, with a capital B-I-G!!! We’re talking Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Balloon big! I could have my own zip code! I’m beside myself… literally!!!

Regular readers will recall what happens when I find myself in this condition each year soon after the holidays: I organize my almost-annual Fifteen Fat Guys Weight Loss Contest! And that’s what I’m going to do.

This is my open invitation for any and all takers to join us. We’ll start the contest on Monday, February 9th, and end on Monday, April 6th… exactly eight weeks later. Each participant will put $100 in the pot. We’ll weigh in at the beginning and the end, and the biggest losers split the pot (half to the most pounds lost, and half to the biggest percentage loser.) If you want in this years contest, send me an email:, and we’ll give you the details.

Some of the same folks who have been in the contest in the past will be in it again because – guess what – they’re fat again, too!!!! But we always welcome newcomers. (There’s something particularly satisfying about taking their money.)

Two words of warning to those who dare join us: First, I WILL be writing about you in future editions of my weekly blurb. And, second, when it’s all over, I plan to have YOUR money!!!

Okay, on to other business…

Last week, I wrote here about Australia Day, January 26th. But I failed to mention that Jan. 26 is also Indian Independence Day, which was pointed out to me by my new friend Desiia. Thanks for letting me know. Happy Indo-Inde Day! (A few days late.)

Hey! How about that big snow last week?!!!! I’m still digging myself out!!!

As promised in my New Years resolution, I am trying to include bigger and better words in my blurb each week. This week’s Big Word: Obfuscate.

Advice to Young Guys from an Old Guy: Start planning now for Valentine’s Day. (To us, it’s just a day in the middle of February. But to them, it’s a Special Occasion you’d better not forget!!!)

Nostalgic Mention of the Week: I picked up the Sunday Daily Paper (The State) this weekend, and for the first time in many, many years, happened to glance at the comics (or the “funnies”, as I called them in my youth). There were mostly strips I had never heard of before, but fortunately still a few that I remembered: Peanuts, Blondie, Beetle Bailey, Dennis The Menace. So I started wondering who else might remember the comics I remember from a half-century ago: Li’l Abner, Dick Tracy, Pogo, Mutt & Jeff, Dondi, The Phantom, Steve Crane, Mary Worth, Mandrake The Magician. I’d be interesting in hearing the comics YOU remember from the Good Ole Days.

Okay, that’s it for this week. We will now return to a regular schedule of only four editions per month…until the fifth week of April!!!

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