NY Resolutions: Version 2.009

Now that the New Year is getting a little age on it – we’re ONE WEEK into it already – I’m ready to discuss my New Years Resolutions.

I long ago gave up on the standard practice of trying to begin a healthy new habit on the day after New Year’s Eve. On paper, turning over a new leaf with the New Year is a great idea. But, to make it work for me, I usually just postpone starting until I’m really in the mood to improve myself (as opposed to the day after New Year’s Eve, when I’m generally only in the mood for a nap!)

Most New Years Resolutions deal with self-improvement. With the year now roughly 2% expired, I’ve had sufficient time to carefully examine myself to determine which areas of my life need improving.

This year, instead of devoting my resolution to improving MYSELF -- which, after all, seems like sort of a selfish and self-centered thing to do -- I’ve decided to devote myself to improving THIS WEEKLY COLUMN.

Turns out, after contemplating it for a whole, entire week, I can’t think of a single thing about myself than needs improving!!!! (Unless, of course, you include trite and unimportant things, like my weight. Or my physical condition. Or my financial condition. Or my perpetual laziness, carelessness, inattentiveness, forgetfulness, irresponsibility, unreliability and immaturity. Or my looks. Or my personality. Or my driving. Or my fashion-sense.)

Okay, maybe I CAN think of a few things about myself I could change. But none of ‘em really jumped up, slapped me in the face, and shouted “fix me, fix me… I’m broken”!!!

So, instead, for 2009, I’m resolving to present Rod-Boy’s New & Improved Weekly Newspaper Column. And I’ve already made a list of the improvements I’m planning:

--- A more EXCITING column!!!!! I seriously doubt if the content of the articles will actually be any more exciting… but the writing style WILL BE!!!!!!!! I plan accomplish this by including more EXCLAMATION POINTS than EVER!!!!!!!!!! Also, a STRONG dose of underlined words, ALL CAPS, italicized words and even bolded words… sometimes ENTIRE PHRASES or sentences!!!!!!! And sometimes, I’ll use more than one of these ultra-exciting writing devices, combining several to increase YOUR column-reading enjoyment!!!!!!!!-- A shorter column!!!! Again, this improvement is for YOU!!!! Time is money, and in these tough economic times, none of us can afford to be wasting either. So if I can reduce your reading time by, say 25%, those are precious extra minutes you can use on more profitable pursuits!!!! (This also argues for skipping this column altogether, which, frankly, I couldn’t argue with if you did.)

-- Better words!!!!! This is an area where I hope you will see a MAJOR improvement. In looking back over previous columns, I realized that there are a number of perfectly good words which I rarely, if ever, use in my column!!!!
Words like
“balderdash”.
“Jabberwocky”.
“Paraphernalia”.
“Unequivocally”.
“Persnicketty.”
“Willy-nilly”.
And “Minnesota.”

(I realize Minnesota is not a word… it’s the name of a state. But if they let that Saturday Night Live guy be their U.S. Senator, I suspect it will also soon take on a dual-meaning and become a word used by residents of the other 49 states!!!!!)

And not just better words...BIGGER words, too!!!! Just like the New York Times!!!

-- Prufereeding!!!! Beginnning immeediatlee, wee will prufereed this columm vary carfully eech weak befour allouwing it to bee printed!!!!!

-- Clearly identifying the humor as humor. I’m a bit chagrinned (Note: Big Word) to recognize that some readers apparently fail to see the humor in some of my humor. Case in point: A couple of weeks ago, I just casually made reference to the number of Northerners who had migrated to the Pimento State, observing that the Midwesterners (Ohio, Michigan, et al) seem to blend in better than the True Yankees (New York, Massachusetts, etc.) Turns out, the Yankees also don’t recognize tongue-in-cheek satire or hilarious, slapstick frivolity when they read it. I received not one, not two, but THREE angry emails from transplanted-New Yorkers after that column. Apparently, they didn’t recognize it as attempted humor. (You would think they might have picked up on it later in the column when I claimed to have been the original author of “Jingle Bells”, “Joy to the World”, “The Night Before Christmas”, and “Feliz Navidad”.)

-- A point!!! This year, I’m planning on having an actual “point” to each of my columns…. something that has been sadly lacking for the last two years, I’ve been told!!!! Most of the time, it’s just “a column about nothing”… just the non-sensical
weekly ramblings of a mildly disturbed, middle-aged but immature jokester curmudgeon. (Another new word!!!)

Since I don’t want to fall into that Seinfeld trap of “a column about nothing”, I’ve decided that each and every column I write during 2009 will contain a clearly discernable reason for having written it… an actual POINT!!!

Beginning NEXT WEEK!!!!!!!