Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Thankful for Clemson

It’s that time of year again: late November… that time we set aside each year for counting our many blessings, and wishing utter disaster and despair upon our instate college football rival, Clemson (or Carolina, depending on which way your bread is buttered).

This year -- as a Carolina fan -- I am especially thankful that we only have to play Clemson next week, instead of facing the likes of the Florida Gators again, after they were so inhospitable as to hang half-a-hundred on us last week.

During this time of year, one of the favorite pastimes in the Pimento State becomes the telling of Carolina and Clemson jokes. We love ‘em.

I actually consider myself somewhat of an expert in the art of telling Clemson jokes, since I once published a special newspaper – Gamecock Fever – which was pretty-much dedicated to printing good-natured Clemson jokes. To be fair, we also printed an occasional Carolina joke – which all too often was the score of the previous week’s game… sorta like this week!

Needless to say, we collected a lot of Clemson jokes – and originated a good many, too – during the 15 years we published Gamecock Fever (except for one year when we forgot).

I figure it’s time to dust off some of those jokes this week because, frankly, we USC fans would like to quickly change the subject from the drubbing we took in The Swamp last Saturday.

Thank goodness for Clempson jokes!
Q: How do you get a Clempson graduate off your front porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.
Q: What is a Clempson P.H.D.?
A: A Post Hole Digger.
Q: What's a Clempson CPA?
A: Cow Pasture Alumni
Q: How does a Clempson girl break up with her boyfriend?
A: She sends him a John Deere letter?
Q: Why did the Lowcountry end up with Hurricane Hugo, and the Upstate end up with Clempson?
A: Because the Lowcountry got first choice.
Q: What's the best thing ever to come out of Clempson?
A: I-85.
Q: What do you call a Clempson girl hitch-hiking?
A: Stranded!
Q: What's the National Pastime of Poland?
A: Telling Clempson jokes!
Q: Did you hear about the Clempson javelin thrower?
A: He elected to receive!
Q: Where can you find most Clempson fans between 8 and 11?
A: The third grade!
Q: What is the best birth control for a Clempson girl?
A: Her looks.
Q: Why do Clempson fans stare at containers of orange juice?
A: Because the label says "concentrate".
Q: Did you hear about the Clempson fans carpool?
A: They meet at the game.
Q: What does an average Clempson football player get on his S.A.T. test?
A: Drool.
Q: What do you call a Clempson graduate who lives in a $450,000 house?
A: A butler.
Q: How do you address a Clempson student wearing a three-piece suit?
A: "Will the defendant please rise."
Q: How many Clempson fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Ten. One to screw in the bulb, & nine to stand around talking about how good the old bulb was.
Q: How many Clempson residents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Seven. One to screw in the bulb, and six to wire the house for electricity.
Q: What do you get for the Clempson girl who has everything?
A: Penicillin
Clempson is Expected To Win 6 Games Next Year...
Two in Football, and Four in Basketball!
Q: Where was the toothbrush invented?
A: Clempson. If it was invented anywhere else it would have been called a teethbrush.

(Note: Also a perfectly good Tennessee joke. We used it here a month ago!)

If this collection of jokes seem a little one-sided… that’s because it is! All Clempson and no Carolina.

But here’s the good news: They’ll never know it, unless somebody reads it to ‘em!!!

However, if you ARE a Clempson fan, and you DO find somebody to read this to you, we’ll try to be fair about it. You can send your Carolina jokes to our website, and we’ll post’em for the world to see. Just to be fair. (If, of course, you can find somebody else to WRITE them for you.)

Send them to me via electric email:

Or, for the Internet savvy, just post’em to my internet blog:

Go Cocks! (We’re thankful for Clempson!)


Brooke said...

I miss Gamecock Fever!

Brooke said...

I miss Gamecock Fever!

Tiger1_GO TIGERS!!! said...

I can appreciate some of these, even as a Clemson fan. Pretty creative - you must have had somebody else write them for you
Did you hear that it has been reported that South Carolina head football coach Steve Spurrier will only be dressing thirty players for the Clemson game. The rest of the players will have to get dressed by themselves.

Deborah said...

Not bad... kinda sad you can't spell CLEMSON. Must have gone to Carolina.

Andrew said...

Deb... you're missing out on the classic motif of making fun of "Clempsun" for being redneck! HAVE to have the redneck spelling!