The Electronic Internet

As much as I resist change, I have now come to terms with the fact that the new-fangled electronic Internet is a useful invention.

The Internet has changed history, and improved the lives of millions – maybe billions – of people around the globe. It has created a wealth of knowledge and information never before thought possible. It has fueled economies, transformed cultures, and fostered globalization to a degree not heretofore seen. It has caused international borders to change. The Internet has created advantages for humankind in the fields of healthcare, finance, commerce, government and education. In short, the Internet has altered the world we live in.

I personally like it for the jokes.

Almost every day, friends and acquaintances send me jokes via email. I don’t even have to go looking for them. I just open my email account, and there they are.

They’re usually good for a few giggles during my workday, unless I’m too busy, in which case I save them ‘til night or the weekend to read.

Most of the time, these “E-Jokes” – a word I just made up – are forwarded by a friend who received it from a friend who received it from a friend, etcetera, and on and on and on. I figure, the more people who have forwarded it, the funnier it must be.

I hardly ever forward E-Jokes. Instead, I save them in a “special place” so that, someday, I can share them with the readers of this column. Sooner or later, I figure, there will come a week when I have just enough time to WRITE a column, but not enough time to include anything CLEVER or WITTY… unless, of course, I have a stash of E-Jokes just waiting in the “special place” to be transformed into a newspaper column.

That week is now! So you’re in luck. Instead of me trying to dream up something clever or witty – which usually has about a 2% success rate – this week, I have some E-Jokes which are 100% guaranteed, because they were forwarded over and over and over!

So, without further delay, I am pleased to present, direct from the Electronic Internet:
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You can say what you want about the South,
but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North...
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TEN GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a dust-buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
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IN HONOR OF USC’S NEXT OPPONENT:
The young man from Tennessee came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?
"The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
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THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1 -- You believe in Santa Claus.
2 -- You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3 -- You are Santa Claus.
4 -- You look like Santa Claus.
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MORE TENNESSEE JOKES
Did you hear about the Tennessee man who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?
She can't touch it til she's fourteen.

Where was the toothbrush invented?
Tennessee. If it was invented anywhere else it would have been called a teethbrush.

A new law recently passed in Tennessee:
When a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister.
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SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . .. . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
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GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
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While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza
to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like
it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before
responding. “Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough
to eat 6.”

And he gets to vote!