Monday, August 6, 2007

I’m a Hippo-Pig-Whale

It was at my recent Lexington High School Class of 1972 Reunion that I came to the stark realization I need to lose a few pounds. (A few, in this case, is 20 or 30… give or take 20 or 30.)

It came to me when I danced a few times during the reunion, and several of my classmates asked me how I did “the jiggle move”.

One thing worse than suffering though the hot, muggy, 100-plus degree days of August in the Heat-Lands of South Carolina is suffering through those same days as a big, fat, giant, hippo-pig-whale… which is precisely what I am currently doing. It’s hot and I’m over-weight. I’m large. I’m a truck. No… a house!

How over-weight am I?

I’m so over-weight, when I was trying to get a tan on the beach last month, a couple of kids tried to drag me back out to sea!

I’ve gotten so big, the Post Office is thinking about giving me my own zip code.

I’m so huge, when I sit around the house, I sit “around the house”. I stepped up on one of those new “talking” scales, and it said: “One at a time, please!” I wore a yellow raincoat, and somebody hollered out “Taxi!”

Here’s the bottom line: I really need to lose some weight.

Losing weight is a simple concept. Everybody knows how. It’s not difficult at all:
Diet and exercise!

Unfortunately, “knowing” and “doing” are two different matters. And frankly, diet and exercise are NOT two of my favorite things.

Strenuous exercise, to me, is walking up and down a flight of stairs every day. On big days, I also walk across the parking lot on the way into a grocery store.

And my diet is even worse. I like meat and taters. Always have, always will. I say a meal without starches is like a bird without feathers. (Ummmmmm… That makes me think of fried chicken! With mashed taters and thick white gravy. Yummy!)

Diet and exercise are not things which come naturally for me, which makes losing weight tough for me.

BUT!!!!! The good-ole All-American Spirit of COMPETITON is something which DOES sort of comes natural for me.

So, whenever I need to lose weight, there’s only one way to have a chance: A contest!

That’s why, last week, I announced that we would organize another weight-loss contest, beginning during August… just like the one we started back in January.

We’re looking for 10 to 20 thick-skinned individuals who don’t mind being subjected to the sort of bare-it-all-to-the-whole-world public humiliation I regularly inflict upon myself in this column. (When I say “thick-skinned”, I’m not merely referring to an extra layer of fat.)

This time, we’re adding a twist: We’re each chipping in $100 -- into the winner-take-all pot -- but half of the winnings will go to a charity designated in advance by each contestant. That way, we each have additional pressure – from our charity group -- to stick with the diet and exercise during the 13 week contest.

Of course, as soon as we kick it off, I’ll be publishing regular updates on our progress, yet another way of putting public pressure on each contestant.

And when it’s all over, I’ll write glowingly about the brilliant tactics, successful strategies, and unrelenting willpower of the eventual winner. (As long as it’s me.)

So far, here are the contestants:

Anchoring the contest along with me will be my business partner Kirk Luther and business associate and eldest offspring, Rod, Jr. Possibly back for return appearances from the January competition – we don’t know for sure, we’ll have to wait and see – are well-known locals like Rob Schoolmeester, Terry Campbell, Norman Agnew, and Bo McDonald.

New contestants who have already signed on to join the fun and misery for health and charity include Irmo Town Councilman and restaurateur Barry “Fatback” Walker; State Senator Jake Knotts, Lexington County Judge Bryan Jeffcoat, former Director of the SC Republican Party Scott Malyerck, and former SC Secretary of State Jim Miles.

Final rules are currently being hammered out by a crack team of legal negotiators, and the official judge for the contest is Lake Murray’s own Dr. Oscar Lovelace, MD, who earned the distinction last week when I ran in to him at a local eatery and he greeted me with a cheery, “Hi, Rod, you really need to lose some weight.”

We’re issuing an open invitation for this weight loss competition. Hopefully, we’ll have 20 or so contestants, meaning the winner and the charity can each walk away with a cool thousand!!!

If you want to join us in this weight loss contest, starting next week, email me at:


sc sailor said...

do the contestants need to be present to participate?

former dieter said...

Several of those contestants are real heavy weights, so they may be at a distinct advantage. Is the winner determined by # of lbs. lost, or % of weight lost? I want to know before I lay down my filing fee or get my name published in your blog.

Rod Shealy Sr. said...

It now looks like we'll kick off the competition on Tuesday, August 14, with a weigh-in at noon. We can agree on the rules then... although I like the idea that we have TWO winners: one for total weight lost, and one for percentage of weight lost.

former dieter said...

I'll be there.

sc sailor said...

me too

Anonymous said...

this is grrrrreat!

bommer belly said...

where's the weigh-in, i'll definitely be there

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east_rhino said...

where's the weigh in?