Fifth Week of the Month

Often times, when we publish a fifth issue of the month, I use the occasion to publish random thoughts, isolated ideas, and tidbits on various topics. (We publish this newspaper on Thursdays, you may know, which approximately four times a year causes us to have a month with five issues. It’s a great opportunity to do a little clean up.) This is one of those times.

Earlier this month, I offered my idea of changing the name of the month of “August” to “Elvis”. I think it’s catching on… I’ve heard chatter. Watch for congressional action any day now… or, at least, a petition-drive from “the people”. (I’m a little surprised the drive hasn’t already started spontaneously across the land. It’s just such a good idea.)

If we’re going to rename a month, someone suggested, shouldn’t we also update the names of the days of the week? I think that’s another fine and useful idea: We should rename some of the days of the week, especially those that begin with the same first letter.

“Tuesday” and “Thursday” both begin with letter “T”. How confusing is that? Couldn’t we just give one of them a different name, maybe something that starts with a “V” or a “J” (both very fine letters, but vastly under-used).

“Saturday” and “Sunday” also both start with the same letter, but since it’s the weekend, they could probably stay the same, because the weekend is really like one long day anyway.

If anybody wants to undertake the mission of renaming the days of the week, here are a couple of other suggestions:

1. Why not start completely over, and arrange the names alphabetically, which would help when computer programs are trying to sort by day of the week.

2. Why not sell names, like sponsorships of sporting events. Corporate America would pay BIG BUCKS to have a day of the week named for them: Billions. Can you even imagine how much The Donald would pay to have “Friday” renamed “Trumpday”? It could lower the national tax rate.

Those are my suggestions, but someone else will have to take up the mantle on this campaign, because I’m devoting my efforts to the month of “Elvis”

Now on to the weather… Has it been hot enough for you?

Our recent string of 100+ degree days has left a lot of people scratching their heads, wondering if it’s the effect of global warming. Here’s the answer: Yeah, the globe is warming. However, I still seriously doubt that we humans have made much of a dent on Mother Nature. (Truth is, in the big picture, we aren’t that big of a deal... we humans.) It was probably going to warm up regardless, kinda like the Ice Age managed to come and go without us.

Still, I do think from time to time about The Rainbow from Noah’s Ark. After the Lord washed most of humankind away to start over, he promised “never again”… but he was referring specifically to a flood. Overheating us out of existence is still permissible, because of that loophole. And if the Lord took a look around these days and decided he wanted to wipe out the human race, who could blame him?

I suggest we each say a little prayer that this is not what’s going on here with this heat wave.

But it has been HOT! Too hot to do anything. I’m thinking that’s why nobody has started knocking on doors with the “August to Elvis” petitions yet.

Random Topic Number Three: My weight loss competition.

I’m proud to report that I dropped eight pounds in the first week or so. I know this because my pal Jim Miles dropped in last week, and we held a mini-weigh-in. He was down seven, I was down eight, based on the Ronco Scale-a-Matic that we were using.

The contest is, of course, a three-month weight-loss competition between 17 local hefties, each of whom put $100 in the pot, with the winner(s) taking it all. We are now beginning week three of the marathon.

Last week, I announced an award for whomever guessed closest to the total combined weight of the 17 contestants in the weight loss competition. I’ll announce that winner next week.

But I also want to give you another chance to win a $25 Gift Certificate with another contest. I want to see who can come the closest to matching up the 17 contestants with their 17 beginning weights.

Following are the 17 weights, in descending order, followed by the names of the 17 contestants, in semi-alphabetical order (dyslexic version). How many can you correctly match up?

The beginning weights:

Four of ‘em topped 300 pounds: 331 lbs., 316 lbs., 312 lbs., and 302 lbs.;
Six were in the upper 200’s: 292 lbs., 285 lbs., 279 lbs., 273 lbs., 264 lbs. and 263 lbs.;

And the remaining contestants weighed in between 200-250: 245 lbs.; 237 lbs., 235 lbs., 234 lbs., two at 225 lbs., and 210 lbs.

Now, here are the contestants, in no particular order:
Former GOP Executive Director Scott Malyerck; Insurance Magnate Terry Campbell; State Senator Jake Knotts; Stan "The Man" Bowen; Ricky “Rubi” Wingard of Econo-Bug and LHS Roundball fame; R.J. Shealy (that’s Junior); former Secretary of State Jim Miles; Leesville Transport Professional Gerald Head; Irmo Town Councilman Barry "Fatback" Walker; ETV’s Andy Gobeil; Judge Brian Jeffcoat; Douglas Adam; A. L. Wingard; Kirk Luther, my business-partner; Lexington Town Councilman Danny Frazier; copywriter supreme Tim Kelly; and Yours Truly, your publisher: Rod-Boy.

Simply send me an email guessing which weight matches up with which of these
Colossal Contestants. Send it to RodShealy@aol.com. Whoever gets the most correct wins the prize!!!

Incidentally, since we’ve now published each of the seventeen individual weights, it’s too late to enter your guess in the “Guess the Combined Weight” contest – except for Clemson fans. (Y’all can still keep trying to guess.)

Hey! It’s football season. Go Cocks!