Global Warming

Since every other news medium in the world seems to be talking about “global warming” these days, I thought I would offer my two-cents worth, too.

Here’s my take on global warming:I believe in it.

Of course, I also believe in just about everything else, including extra-terrestrial life, ESP, mind-over-matter, ghosts, various JFK assassination-conspiracy theories, time travel, alien abductions, the Atkins Diet, multi-level marketing, chain letters, the spirit of Christmas, the planet Pluto, the forgiveness of sins, the possibility that Elvis may still be alive, and a national championship for Steve Spurrier’s Gamecocks during this decade. That’s just about everything you can believe in… except Feng Shui. (I don’t believe in Feng Shui. You gotta draw the line somewhere.)

Anyway, I started believing in global warming a while back when I heard former VP Al Gore talking about it. He made me see the light.

I decided a long time ago that whenever Gore talks, I’d better listen. After all, his invention, the Internet, turned out to be a pretty good thing… seems to be catching on! And, it was his wife, Tipper, that first alerted me that rock music had gone downhill. I turned on the radio a while back, and boy, she was right! The rock music was awful: mostly guys talking real fast… so fast that you can’t understand them… and they seem to have left the music out of the music. Tipper was right! It’s awful.

So naturally, when Al started warning us about global warming, I started thinking about it seriously for the first time. And, lucky thing I did, because I think I’ve come up with the solution. Now, try to follow my logic…

Everyone suddenly agrees that global warming is an actual for-real phenomenon, probably because they’ve read or seen it in the news enough times to be brainwashed. That’s a big breakthrough. (A decade ago, most people didn’t believe it, because the liberal wacko tree-hugging environmentalists DID believe it, so it couldn’t possibly be true. But now that Al Gore believes it, everyone else does, too.)

However, there appears to be two distinct schools of thought on what’s causing the global warming: man versus nature.

One group believes the human race has caused it by our aerosol cans and exhaust emissions.
The other group asks “how arrogant can we be” to believe that we have enough clout to even make a tiny dent in the natural order of things. They remind us of the Ice Age 10,000 years ago, and say it’s simply the natural order of things.

For argument's sake, I’m going with the first group, because if the second group is right, why bother? (Also because Al Gore is with the first group.) The scientists say that the fluorocarbons contained in aerosol cans and freon and other refrigerants were a major cause of ozone layer depletion, which was a major factor until recently. But, the scientists say, the government fixed that problem. By raising taxes on the bad stuff. Probably when Al Gore was in office.

So now the remaining problem seems to be exhaust emissions. Humans – and I sometimes include myself in that group – use lots of energy, for things like manufacturing, transportation, food preparation, and watching “Deal or No Deal” on the electric television. Most of this energy comes from burning small chunks of the earth – oil, coal, etc. -- which causes exhaust, which ultimately rises into the atmosphere… and then I’m a little fuzzy on what happens…. But it’s not good, whatever it is.

So here’s my solution. What if we stop burning chunks of the earth? Wouldn’t that help? (Especially those chunks we buy at exorbitant prices from people in certain Middle Eastern nations who then use those profits to finance Holy War on America!!!)Here’s the good news: It’s possible. It can be done… without causing ANY disruption in our economy or our lifestyles, without shutting down a single factory, restricting our transportation, or raising a single tax to stop consumption.

And the answer is so simple, it’s been right in front of us for decades: Quit stalling, and develop our nuclear energy sources.

Al Gore, I’m with you on stopping global warming. And I’ll be listening out for you to tell the rest of the world that nuclear energy is the way to do it!