Oftentimes when I write my column, I try to be funny. I mention this because a lot of my regular readers have suggested recently that I should occasionally add humor to my column.
Let me re-phrase that: “a lot of my regular reader”, I should have said.
And instead of “suggested recently that I occasionally add humor”, I should have said “asked me if I’m still writing a column occasionally, because I quit reading it years ago, because your jokes are so lame.”
Come to think of it, her exact words were: “The 1950’s called. They want their jokes back!”
Other times, however, I succeed in being very funny, even hilarious… but it’s usually when I’m not trying to, but instead, just telling true stories from my life. (The true stories which seem to get the biggest chuckles, incidentally, are: [a] my attire; [b] my finances; and [c] my automotive and mechanical skills.
(Oh, and I forgot [d] my age, weight, looks, and personality.)
So, I decided to do better. For the last few weeks, I’ve started paying particular attention to the most humorous shows on TV to try to determine what makes them funny. As it turns out, they’re not that much different than my column: the late-nite comedy shows are sorta lame… but the nightly news is a hoot (thanks mostly to our own Governor.)
Consequently, I have given up on the vast wasteland of television, and gone directly to the newest, greatest source of humor in the world: The Electric Internet!!!
Several times a day, one of my many friends will “forward” me an email which makes me LOL (which is an Electric Internet abbreviation for “Laugh Out Loud”).
Let me re-phrase that: “Several times a day”. That part is okay. But when I said “one of my many friends”, I should have said, “Mom”; and when I said “forward me an email”, I should have said, “accidentally hits the ‘reply all’ button” so that I see a list of several thousand people who have already forwarded the joke, complete with date/time stamps, dating back almost to the 1950’s, from whence came the joke!!!
But there are also some REALLY FUNNY jokes on the Electric Internets, if you just know where to look.
To find the funniest ones, I always go to this website: www.jokesrejectedbylatenightTVhumorwriters.com
Let me give you and example of the jokes I have found on the Electric Internets. Here’s one:
Three old guys are out walking. First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?' Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!' Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'
Now let me give you a sample of Rod-Boy’s Homemade Jokes and Humor:
Question: How did the Scottish man meet his demise?
Okay, now that you’ve heard both kinds, which did you like best?!!! Which was funniest?!!! Which one really cracked you up and made you roll on the floor?!!!
Okay, if that’s the way you feel, I’ll just give you a few more jokes from the Electric Internet, and be done with it:
Did you hear about the blonde who returned a scarf to the store because it was too tight?
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, 'If you saw a person lying on the roadside, wounded and bleeding, what would you do?'
One little girl gave an honest answer: 'I think I'd throw up.'
Bumper sticker of the year: 'If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier!'
Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'
Emily Sue broke her ankle and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?
There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Alabama State Lottery? The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
There you have it: a few of the funniest jokes in the world, Fresh Daily from the Electric Internet. But don’t expect me to make a habit of including Actual Humor each week.
Okay, gotta run now: The 1970’s called… they want their clothes back.