Monday, June 30, 2008

Vacation now, diet later

I’m heading on vacation next week.

In keeping with my long-time annual vacation custom, I plan to:

a) eat a lot

b) drink a lot; and

c) sleep a lot

It’s a tradition. I’ve done it many times before. It has become expected of me.

What it means, however, is that when I return from vacation, I might as well go ahead and plan to:

d) lose weight.

That’s right! When I return from vacation, I’ll be a Big Fat Giant Hippo Pig Whale… even more than now!!!

Which means…. It’s time to start making plans for my Next-Nearly-Annual-Weight-Loss-Challenge-Competition.

Regular readers of this column know I do this on an all-to-frequent basis: Pull a few of my friends and acquaintances into a friendly wager to help us all shed a few pounds.

Actually, making it into a competition is the ONLY way I’ve ever really been able to really lose weight at all. Willpower for the sake of willpower just isn’t my thing. But turn it into a contest… and ZOOM… I’m on fire!!!

Knowing that I’m going to be a Giant Lard-Bottom by the time I return from a week’s vacation with the in-laws, I’m getting an early start on it. AND… I’m accepting applications!!!

That’s right… If YOU TOO are planning to be a Pork-Belly by mid-July – and you know you are, what with BBQ for Fourth of July and all -- maybe you’d like to join in this “friendly little wager”!

As of yet, there are no ground-rules. We haven’t decided exactly when the competition will start and end, or for how long, or how many contestants. (We’ll agree on the rules after we figure out who’s playing the game!)

In the past, these little competitions have ranged from 3 to 17 contestants, with a competition period from 4 weeks to 13 weeks. The winning weight loss totals have ranged from 20 pounds to 38 pounds. And the wagers – which have typically been $100 American Paper Money – have ranged from $50 to a weekend trip at beautiful, down-town Garden City, South Carolina.

But we haven’t made any of those decisions yet. We’re waiting on YOU and your Big Ol’ Blubber Butt to help make them.

The only tradition of this little contest you can be assured of is this: Yours Truly will continuously heap verbal abuse upon you in this column during the entire contest period, whatever that may be.

So here’s the question, Fatso… are you Man Enough to face the fact that you’re a Humongous Lump of Goo – as I have – and that if you don’t soon do something about it, you will likely turn into the World’s Largest Clump of Mush?

(That, incidentally, is a small sample of the abuse I heap on the contestants of each of these weight-loss competitions. Brutal, but motiviational… like tough-love. You’ll also notice that I’m TAUNTING – practically DARING – you to entice you into this contest!)

So, if you think you’re up to it, let me know, and we’ll include you in the upcoming contest. Just send me an email:

(Or, if you have a loved-one who really ought to be in this contest, but is perhaps in denial, circle this sentence and hand them a copy of this column.)

Anyway, this is your official invitation to the Next Great Almost Annual Weight Loss Challenge Invitational Competition.

Did you notice that we changed the name it since the beginning? That’s sort of how we handle the rules, too.

You’ve been invited, and you have fair warning: This in NOT a weight-loss contest for sissies.

Enjoy your July 4th holiday… along with which-ever re-run of this column we decide to print next week WHILE I’M ON VACATION!!!

1 comment:

Nat said...

Hey, at least you are starting this trip with the realistic knowledge that you will need to get back into shape when you get home. A break from your fitness and diet regime is good every now and then. Shakes things up a little and makes you rethink your approach. Have a great time.