If you were paying attention, you may have noticed the absence of my weekly column from the newspaper last week. (If you did NOT notice, disregard the remainder of this column. Have a great week. See you next time!)
My January, 2007, New Years Resolution to pen an article each week made it all the way up to April, 2008 without skipping a beat. Keeping score? I made it 60 weeks straight… significantly better than I did with any of my other resolutions: go on a diet, exercise regularly, and quit being such a bonehead.
Yes, the streak is over. I missed a week. BUT… it’s not my fault.
The reason it’s not my fault is because I am an American… and one of the things we Americans seem to do best anymore is make excuses (...and place blame.) As an American, I feel its my patriotic duty to offer a few excuses as to why my column failed to appear last week.
Here they are. Take your pick.
Excuse 1: Writers block. That would be a really good excuse, except that you probably know I’m really not much of a writer – mostly just random drivel and rambling- clutter claptrap.
Excuse 2: The dog ate my column. In elementary school, this was one of my favorite excuses. My classmates used it a lot, too: “Rod’s dog ate my homework”. It didn’t work back then, probably still won’t work.
Excuse 3: My car wouldn’t start. This, I think, is the adult equivalent of “the dog ate my homework”. In the American workplace, it’s the gold standard. And if you’ve seen my car… well, you know I’m a great candidate for “my car wouldn’t start”. I can use it three or four times a week, and still be credible.
Excuse 4: Overslept/alarm clock didn’t go off. A very solid excuse. And timely, because of the Daylight Savings thing that happened a few weeks ago. Who’s to say I didn’t “spring back” by mistake? That would have put me TWO HOURS off.
Excuse 5: Random Drivel Block. How do we know those of us who are virtual prodigies in the art of Random Drivel can’t suddenly go blank, just like our second cousins, The Writers? What makes them so special?
Excuse 6: Rain. Ballgames are rained out all the time. So are parades and festivals. Painters and roofers can’t work on rainy days. My column could have been rained out. Could’ve! Could so! Could, too! Could’ve! Could’ve! Could’ve! I said it first. A million times. You’re it! I’m on base.
Excuse 7: Global Warming. Since NOBODY thinks rain was a good excuse for not writing a column – never mind the fact that there might have been lightning, and since I write my column on an ELECTRIC laptop computer, I would have to shut if off during the lighting storm, or else electricity could come up through the power cord and electrocute me!!! – let’s go for a really, hip, with-it biggie: Global Warming. Everybody respects Global Warming as an excuse.
Excuse 8: My column was censored by the authorities. Not a bad one. Very plausible, knowing some of the rambling clutter claptrap I sometimes publish.
Excuse 9: The dog ate my computer power cord. An updated version of my third grade favorite.
Excuse 10: It was there… you just missed it! Did you check page 64?
Excuse 11: It’s not my job. While this may sound lame, it could really work. Since I’m the publisher, I could just assign the job of writing my column to someone else… at the very last minute. Then, when it doesn’t appear, it’s not my fault, it’s their’s!
Excuse 12: What I wrote last week, you didn’t WANT to read.
Excuse 13: I forgot. I’m old. I’m feeble-minded. Has it been a week already? What day is it? Where am I? Who am I?
Excuse 14: APRIL FOOLS!!! My column for the first week in April was NO column – ON PURPOSE, as an April Fool’s Gag. It’s the all-time greatest April 1st Scam. My column was NO column… which means, technically, I haven’t really missed a week after all.
So I’ll see you next week, for my 63rd column in a row!