Victoria’s got a Secret, and Mark Sanford does, too.

Just what we need: one more hack commenting on the economy. Never-mind, I’m doing it anyway, because that seems to be what’s on everybody’s mind these days.
I’ve actually written here about the economy a few times before, but mainly to urge folks to protect our LOCAL economy by shopping local. When the first round of stimulus checks started flowing nearly a year ago, I reminded readers that the Big Giant Corporations and their investors would profit handsomely, before sending on a share of our economic stimulus funds to the manufacturers of their products in China and beyond.

Way back last spring, I predicted that Wall Street and foreign companies would benefit nicely from this infusion of our cash… and that was before any of us had heard the term “bailout”.

The way things have actually unfolded in the last year makes me seem smart.

Actually, I’m not very smart at finances at all. Most of what I know about bank failures is what I’ve learned by watching George Bailey and Mr. Potter in “It’s a Wonderful Life” every year.

But I do occasionally have a dose of common sense, which, to me, seems to be missing these days. So here are a few of the common-sense observations I’ve made about the economy... or at least some questions that have arisen in my mind:

1. Last year, we bailed out the banks because they were taking a beating because people who had borrowed to buy a home couldn’t pay their mortgages. This year, we bailed out the insurance giant AIG, which had insured the banks in case people couldn’t pay their mortgages. So, doesn’t that mean we’re bailing out the same mortgages twice?

2. I keep hearing that this is the worst recession since the early 1980’s. Frankly, I was around in the early 1980’s, and I don’t remember any recession that seemed as bad as the current one. So what’s different? I think it’s because we now have 24-hour news, and far more pervasive news media than at any time in the past. The national media, you know, loves to report bad news… so they’re having a field day with this recession. The actual statistics say this recession is no worse than the recession of ’81-’82… but the media sure is making it seem worse.

3. We don’t produce things anymore. By “we”, I mean the US of A. I noticed it ten year ago, and I heard President Obama mention it on TV last week. Our economy is “artificial”. He said that 40% of our total economic growth had been in the finance sector. That means we’re just trading money back and forth, and adding a little value to it every time we make a deal. But all that money-swapping isn’t producing anything, except artificial wealth. Our manufacturing industries have left our shores, and a lot of agricultural products are now coming from elsewhere. That leaves Americans to trade money and information, and sell services to each other.

4. The new “global economy” is a bad idea for us. There is a reason our jobs have gone overseas. It’s because we don’t compete on a level playing field. We offer our citizens basic human rights. They don’t. As long as other nations are using what amounts to slave labor, we’ll never be able to produce goods as cheaply as they can. We also protect our citizens by insisting on standards for our products. They don’t. That’s why we’re seeing crisis after crisis of products manufactured in China causing problems here.

5. Everybody is dealing with the recession in their own way. The Girl Scouts made their cookies smaller this year.

6. At my house, we’re examining our bills a little closer than usual before just automatically paying them. That’s how my wife happened to notice an unfamiliar charge on her Victoria’s Secret bill: a charge for $109 for an item called “VS Escapes” that she was sure she hadn’t authorized, because she hadn’t shopped there in months. After calling a toll-free number, and spending an hour researching the charges online, we determined that she had fallen victim to something I would categorize as a “scam” of major proportions. Apparently, at some point during the online purchase or credit-card process, Victoria’s Secret customers unknowingly agree to this annual $109 charge to join a program from an unaffiliated travel company. I visited the Consumer Reports website and discovered this practice has been victimizing VS customers for years, many of them never taking the time to check their monthly statements, and forking over $109 a year for a service they didn’t ask for. While I may be a fan of Victoria’s Secret’s products, I’m not a fan of this scam… especially during tough economic times. So… I’m blowing the whistle on them… to help protect others.

7. Here’s an even bigger scam: Our governor is playing politics with our state’s future. You have probably heard that Mark Sanford rejected $700 million of economic stimulus money for our state. Now I’m going to tell you WHY he rejected it. He rejected it just so he would look good to arch-conservative voters across the nation during his upcoming campaign for President. While I admittedly don’t know much about high-finance, I do know a little about political campaigns. Make no mistake: Mark Sanford is selling out our state’s future for his own personal political gain. He’s all politics, all the time… even while pretending to be “above” politics.

So, next time you hear of a friend or neighbor losing a job, see a local business close its doors, or have to tell the kids you can’t really afford a vacation this year…. Thank your Governor!

There you have it: My common-sense observations about the economy. We now return you to your regularly-scheduled, 24-hours a day, national media news cycle already in progress.

Humor Writing….. NOT!

For the last five weeks, I’ve been sorta hungry… mainly, ‘cause me and a handful of buddies have been engaged in a High Stakes Weight Loss Contest, with $1200 American Dollars on the line… and what with the recession and all, the whole bunch of us have been trying pretty hard to win the contest! (Bad grammar alert: I know I should have said “a handful of buddies and I”, but the lack of nutrition from my current diet has made me too weak to go back and fix my error.)

I’ve been doing this roughly annually for the last half-decade or so. Competition is the only sure-fire way I have of losing weight. Of course, its evident that I’m not REALLY losing weight, at least not for the long term. If I was REALLY losing weight, long term, then I wouldn’t need to do it every year, now would I.

Anyway, a few weeks ago, I announced that I was once again a Big-Fat-Giant Hippo-Pig-Whale, and, therefore, it was time to kick off our Annual Fifteen Fat Guys Weight Loss Contest.

We kicked it off back on Feburary 9th, and I’ve been hungry ever since. However, instead of 15, we had 12, one of which is not a guy at all, but a gal. Here is how we weighed in at the start:

Reigning Champion Don Gawrys, Manager of Michaels -- 374.2; Okra Strut Chairman and three-time champion Kirk Luther -- 247.0; Bruce Holland, Attorney -- 229.6; Tom Beottger -- 267.8; Terry Campbell of nationwide Insurance -- 235.4; Norman Agnew of Agnew Lake Service-- 285.2; Jim Miles, former Secreatry of State -- 241.0; Doug Adam, The Indesign Firm -- 277.2; Denis Vaucher, International Man of Mystery -- 228.2; Jimmy Carroll, Isle of Palms Man of Mystery -- 228.2; and, yours truly, Rod-Boy Shealy -- a massive, whopping, huge-enormous, earth-orbit-altering 248.6 lbs.

We’ve now completed five weeks of an eight week contest, and the contestants are getting… well, we’re getting a little ornery.

Plus, all the rest of them are real secretive about their current weights. It’s because they’re trying to use strategery in the contest!!! It’s also because they believe I will make Big Jokes about them in this column if they tell me how much weight they’ve lost. And they’re right! So they won’t tell me.

Every time we have one of these contests, I write pretty much whatever I want to about my Blubbery Buddies who have joined me in the competition. I refer to it as “humor”, and sometimes, my readers actually giggle or guffaw… and not just at my picture.

Well, apparently my fellow contestants have had enough. For the last few weeks, they’ve lighted up the Internet with their Blubbery Barbs aimed back at Yours-Truly!!!

They’re taking Porky-Pig Pokes!!! Tank-sized Teasing!!!

So, I thought I’d give you a sample of the Jumbo Jibes -- and feeble attempts at humor -- these Big-Bellied Bubbas been shooting my way.

From Young Mr. Agnew:

“As a member of Rod’s infamous weight loss contest (as a side note it really shouldn’t be called Rod’s as he has never won) I’d like to get a few things off of my chest other than about 60 pounds. With regards to our “Captain of Cream” and by cream I of course mean Ice Cream, not the popular band of the 70’s, it is probable that he once again will not win this contest. I am hopeful that I will walk away (walk, not jog or run) victorious this year, a feat that I haven’t been able to match since the “original” weight loss contest. This little-known contest didn’t get the publicity like the present day one. It probably didn’t get the publicity because it was yet another contest Mr. Shealy failed to win. This year, we have one of the larger contests on our hands, and that sparks even more incentive to win, something I doubt our esteemed publisher will be doing yet again this year. If you have noticed a developing theme in my letter, it is for good reason. Although I would like to win the contest this year, as long as one of my deserving colleagues wins, and they are not the publisher of a paper, I will be happy. I wish the best of luck to all participants… with the exception of Rod!”

From Jimmy Carroll:

“Weight loss, how about we change the game to memory loss. No huh, well as for your beach bum contestant, he is still holding give or take 6lbs lost. Darn, I am still walking every night, I gave up my life blood, sweet tea, I mean, real sweet tea and darn it, only 6 lbs!!!!! O-well, maybe I am becoming all muscle and my body is creating 6 pack abs, but the mirror doesn't agree. So unless there is some miracle here on the good ole Isle of Palms, I may be out another $100 bucks.”

From Kirk Luther:

“I realized that my wait loss has not decreased but has increased substantially since the beginning of this contest. I've calculated what my 'wait deficiency' is currently and want to share it with all of you: Wait for coffee pot to brew each morning: 3.2 x 30 days since start of contest = 96; Wait at the doctors office: 58; Wait at DMV: 43.5; Wait at dentist: 16.4; Wait for stimulus check: 63 days since Obama took office (90,720); Wait for this stupid contest to end as of today: 30 days or 43200; TOTAL WAIT (in minutes): 134,133.9. So there you have it... I have lost 2235..565 hours or 93.148 days trying to win $1200. If I had spent that time actually working for minimum wage at the current SC rate of $6.55 per hour I would have earned $14,642.95. We either have to up the ante for this contest or reconsider our priorities.”

So, as you can see from the three samples above, extreme weight-loss diets apparently not only make you hungry and ornery, but also seem to completely drain one’s humor writing talents. (I wish them luck at winning the money in the weigh-loss competition… cause they’re not gonna make it on the comedy circuit.)

And to my readers…. I’m sorry you had to witness this. I promise to never again include anything submitted from any of the other contestants in our weight-loss contest.

And I promise I’ll be back next week with my own rip-roaring, side-splitting, half-witted brand of fun, frolic, and frivolity. Or else something else.

How to use your extra hour

So, how are you enjoying your extra hour so far? If you’re like me, you’re still sleepy from the hour we missed Saturday night!!!

Last week, I arrived at a conservative valuation for the combined “extra hours” all Americans would have this year, thanks to Daylight Savings Time, of approximately $720 billion. (I now know that figure was a little high, because I have learned that two states – Arizona and Hawaii – do not participate in this hoax. Arizona I can definitely understand. If their legislature tried to sell an extra hour of 115 degree desert afternoon heat every day to those Old Retired Arizona Geezers, they’d be chased out of office faster than you can say, “Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!” So, I’ve adjusted my Economic Impact estimate down to and even $700 billion!)

I also noted that most people, even though they’re hurting financially due to “The Recession”, don’t have the foggiest notion, not even a clue, how to use their extra useable hour to help make ends meet.

So, as promised, I’m pleased to present Rod-Boy’s List of Some Good Old Fashioned Common-Sense Ways to Make A Few Extra Bucks to Survive the Recession. (Incidentally, if this recession isn’t making things a little tight and uncomfortable for you, then you’re one of the fortunate ones, and the rest of this column isn’t for you. But, as someone who has had to scrape together loose change to buy enough gas to get to work more times -- and more recently -- than I care to admit, I’m offering this advice for the rest of us.) So, here it is… my absolutely FREE advice -- and worth two or three times that much:

1. Work more! If are self-employed or in sales, this is easy. If not, then offer to work overtime or assume additional responsibilities, or volunteer to do work at your office that would normally be handed off to temps.

2. Get a second-job utilizing your career skills. If there’s no extra work available where you work, find another company which needs your skills and do a little moonlighting.

3. Get a part-time job in another field. While few businesses hire part-timers for one-hours shifts, many restaurants, retailers, telemarketing firms, etc., are looking for extra help during certain times of the week, like Friday night, Sunday afternoon, or Saturdays. So use your extra hours each day to spend extra quality time with the kids, then take your Friday night for a part-time job.

4. Take on odd jobs, such as yard work, painting, housecleaning, car wash, dog sit, spring cleaning, haul-off, gutter cleaning, etc. Simply put the word out to your friends that you’re available, and keep putting it out until your phone rings.

5. Sit. Baby sit, dog sit, house sit, and so on. Again, put the word out to friends that you’re available to keep kids in your home or theirs. Since there are plenty of moms who are taking on extra part-time jobs themselves, there are plenty of people looking for extra child care services.

6. Be an errand driver one day a week, or one evening. Plenty of seniors or shut-ins who need someone to run errands for them, or to be driven so they can do their own shopping or errands.

7. Offer services. You probably have some skills or talents which you’ve overlooked: tax preparation, computer repair, home/appliance repair, oil change and auto mechanic, cooking/catering, or designing. Again, put the word out to your friends, and ask them to tell their friends. There are people who need the skill you possess.

8. Work at home on-line. In this new world of technology, there are many online opportunities: data-entry, billing, design, writing, computer skills. Of course, there are also plenty of online scams, so make sure the money (and information) is coming TO you, not FROM you.

9. Sell your stuff. Sell items you do not need at the flea market, in the want ads, or online on Ebay or Craigslist. Then, if you seem to have a knack for it, perhaps you can use your receipts to continue to buy and sell items at a profit. Just make sure you’re actually making a profit.

10. Sign up with a temp agency. If you can’t seem to make the items above work for you, then go to a temp agency, and let ‘em know when you’re available. Since the economy is bad, some businesses are relying on temps to do work formerly done by employees.

11. Teach lessons or tutor. Somewhere out there are people who want to learn how to do something you already know how to do. Show them… for a small fee.

12. Become a salesman. This is my personal favorite, because it comes natural to me… but it also comes natural to most people. Take a sales job, and spend your spare time meeting new friends and asking them if they want to buy whatever you’re selling. You can join some sort of sales company, such as a multi-level marketing outfit (because those things actually do work for lots of people), or you can simply approach local businesses and ask them to let you sell for them. Most businesses would like an extra part-time salesman that could be paid based on sales made.


There you have it. A dozen ways you can use your extra hour each day to help you survive during these tough times. Maybe you have some other suggestions you can send for me to pass along. Send me one of those Electronic Emails at RodShealy@aol.com.

That my FREE advice… and prolly worth two or three times that much! While the Economic Experts are telling you how to survive the recession by CUTTING costs – which incidentally HURTS our economy – I decided to go a different direction and suggest ways to MAKE MORE money.

Or, again, you can just sit in front of the TV for an extra hour each day and watch the news about how bad the recession is.

An extra hour!

This weekend, we will once again embark on the annual hoax we refer to as
Daylight Savings Time.

It’s a harmless hoax, because we’re all in it together. We’re collectively playing a giant practical joke on ourselves: fooling ourselves into believing we’ve created an extra hour!!!

After our bodies get over the shock of losing an hour of sleep on Saturday night – which, in my case, will probably take about a month of daily half-hour naps – we will be rewarded with an extra hour of daylight every afternoon until November. An extra hour!

In reality, it’s not an extra hour, because you cannot create time – not even Congress, which authored the current DST hoax – but it does SEEM to be an extra hour!

What it is, in reality, is an extra USEABLE hour each day… useable because it’s tacked on to the end of the workday.

So, for all practical purposes, we all get an extra hour per day to use as we see fit.

Hold that thought for a moment while we explore a different concept…

Time is money.

We’ve all heard that adage, and we inherently know it’s true. Time is money. If you work an hour, you get paid for an hour. If you work eight hours, you get paid for eight hours.

Now, hold THAT though for a moment while we move on to yet at THIRD concept: We are in a recession. Our economy is suffering. We don’t have enough money. Businesses are collapsing. Everywhere, people are worried about how they’re going to pay their bills… about how they’re going to survive.

Okay… now, let’s take those three concepts and try to connect the dots:

First, we’re in a recession, and everybody needs more money.

Second, time is money.

Third, starting next week, we’re all going to have an extra useable hour of time each week.

Are you seeing where I’m going with this? Doesn’t it seem like the extra hour – which is time, which is money – ought to put a dent in the recession?

Let’s do the math. If each person gets an extra hour per day, that means they have 30 extra hours per month. There are roughly 300 million people in America. That comes to 9 billion extra useable hours per month in America. Eight months of DST… now we have 72 billion extra useable hours this year. Let’s put a conservative average value on an hour of $10… meaning the extra useable hours THIS YEAR alone should be worth $720 billion…. nearly as much as the bailout!!!

So, it turns out, we didn’t really need a bailout at all… we just each need to use our extra hour per day to do something useful for our own economy!!!

That’s the good news. Now here’s the bad news. It will not work that way because – despite the fact that they all KNOW time is money – very few Americans understand how to apply that concept anymore. Once upon a time, we all knew. A century or two ago, when we were still an agricultural society, with an occasional craftsman thrown in, virtually all Americans understood that to make more money, you could simply work more hours. By working more hours, farmers could plant and harvest more acres. By working more hours, craftsmen could produce more goods to sell.

But then came the industrial revolution, and eventually mass-production, the assembly line, and factories, and suddenly most Americans simply worked whatever hours the boss told them to work. Sure, they got paid for their hours, but gradually they lost their entrepreneurial instincts.

And, today, confronted with an uncertain financial future, but a sudden boon of seven extra hours each week to use, most Americans – I would guess 9 out of 10 – have absolutely no idea how to connect those dots to create extra income for themselves.

So, just because I like to help out as I can, I’m going to give you some common-sense suggestions on how to use your extra hours for extra income.

Next week.

In the meantime, why don’t you see if you can figure it out for yourself? If you come up with really good ideas, send them to me and I will share them with the rest of the class. Email to me at RodShealy@aol.com

And next week, I’ll offer at least a dozen ideas on how you can use your extra hour to beat the recession.

Or, if you prefer, you can just watch TV… especially the news, to find out how bad this economy is.

A few good words

You may know that I have “invented” a few words in the past. They are good words. I am hopeful that my words eventually become part of the lexicon… and possibly even find their way into Webster’s and Thorndike-Barnhart.

Inventing new words is not something to be taken lightly. You really don’t want to be running around willy-nilly coming up with new words. The English language is cluttered enough as it is.

But, occasionally, there is a need for a new word, because there’s something new that you need to say. “Website”, “software”, and “Internet” are all words which we didn’t need 30 years ago, but now we do!

Recognizing the need, I invented my first two words some years back. The words were: “ar” and “teafill”.

“Ar” means the same as “and/or”. You see that phrase a lot, so I thought there ought to be a word which means “and/or”. I chose the word “ar”. It has not yet been included in Webster’s Dictionary, but I’m holding out hope.

“Teafill” is my word which means “tea refill”, a phrase that I seem to use a lot. It’s a good word. Webster’s should definitely pick up on this one.

I should point out that neither of these words have yet been widely accepted, but I am confident that, someday, they will. (And I intend to keep mentioning them at least once a year in this column until they catch on.)

If I had to choose one of my words to be included in Webster’s, I’d pick “ar”, because it would be a very helpful word when playing Scrabble

Last year, I invented my third word. The word is “crookwards”. I invented it while hanging some framed documents on the wall. I know what it means, but I still haven’t written an exact definition.

Today, I want to introduce four brand new words I have invented, again because I see the need:

The first word is “yappity”. It’s an adjective, and it’s literal definition, I have decided is “talking in a non-stop manner, similar to a puppy barking”. Believe it or not, this word was inspired by a female.

The next new word is “rainshine”. It’s the reflection of lights against the wet pavement. I thought of that word while I was driving, if you can believe it!

The third word is “flurb”. It’s a much needed word here in the South where we have heat and humidity. “Flurbing” is the condition of two rubbery or fleshlike items “grabbing” when they rub together. For instance, if you’re wearing Bermuda shorts in the summertime and your bare leg seems to stick to a vinyl restaurant booth or car seat. Then, my friend, you have “flurbed”.

My final new word is a word we don’t technically need yet, but I’m pretty sure we’re GOING to need it if our Governor, Mark Sanford, continues running for President. The word is “laster”, and the news media is going to need it when they try to explain to the nation exactly what kind of a governor Sanford has been:

“As Governor, Mark Sanford succeeded in taking a state which was last in almost everything and making it laster!”

As you can see, these are some really good words. They should all become part of our language.

Okay, gotta go now. I hear a yappity visitor outside my office, but I’m flurbed to my chair.

February: The Little Month That Could!!

I’m a big fan of February.

Not that I play favorites with the months. I don’t. I like ‘em all. And I would probably be considered a little “odd” or “unusual” or “a total whack-job” if it was ever discovered that I had the names of all twelve months typed neatly into a password-protected excel spreadsheet on my laptop computer, each one ranked in order based on various criteria, including number of days, average temperature, special occasions, and derivation of name.

I do not have such a list, probably because (a) I strive for total conformity and acceptance; (b) I never thought of it until now; and (c) I can’t password-protect anything, because, invariably, if I try, I forget the password.

But back to February… which I like to think of as “The Little Month That Could”.

Last weekend, halfway through the month, I thought to myself: “Whew! I need to stop and get some rest!!!”

How much can they pack into one short, little month?

It started with probably the biggest event of the year, other than Christmas, an American Institution: Super Bowl!!!

By the time we fully recover from Super Bowl weekend -- probably haven’t yet even memorized all of the new Million Dollar super Bowl Ads -- it’s Valentine’s Day, which this year was part of the Presidents Day three-day weekend!

And while we’re still packing away our bright red Valentine’s Day belt and socks, along comes Mardi Gras and Ash Wednesday. You don’t have to be in New Orleans to hand out beads, y’know!

Right in the middle of all that fun and frivolity come the Grammys and the Oscars… the only two awards show that matter even a little bit.

And, of course, during the entire month, the flow of tax refund checks has started, so lotsa folks start having a little jing-a-ling in their pockets. Shopping!!!
From Shopping to Sports, from Partying to Presidents… February’s got it all!
You like sports? How’s this: Start with the biggest sporting event of the year, the Super Bowl. Kick off NASCAR with the Daytona 500. College hoops in full swing. And even start the training camps for Major League Baseball. Now THAT’s a busy month for a sports fan…. and all in 28 short days!!!

For the superstitious, we had a Ground Hog Day AND a Friday the 13th!

So many great Presidents were born in February (2) that we were forced to roll them into ONE holiday. Otherwise, we’d be celebrating one every other week!!!

Did I mention “Random Acts of Kindness” Week?

And, just for extra thrills, not once, not twice, but three times during the month so far, the weatherman has officially mentioned “a chance of snow”.

And as if that’s not enough, this year, we had the BIGGEST EVENT of them all – possibly the biggest event since Y2K: February 17th, the switch from analog to digital that we’ve been hearing about for two years!!!! Woooo, woooo!!! Let’s party!!!!

I hope YOU enjoy February as much as I do. I think it’s a great way to get over that month-long Holiday Hangover we refer to as “January”.


-------------------------------------------------


Moving on, you may recall from last week that I’m a Big-Fat-Giant Hippo-Pig-Whale, and it was time to kick off our Annual Fifteen Fat Guys Weight Loss Contest.

Well, we kicked it off last week, except that instead of 15, we had 12, one of which is not a guy at all, but a gal. Just in case you’re hankering to keep score – and to put adequate public pressure on all of us – here are the initial weigh-in scores for each of us, taken directly from a non-password-protected excel spreadsheet on my laptop computer listing various criteria, ranked in order based on first listed to last listed:

Reigning Champion Don Gawrys -- 374.2; Three-time champion Kirk Luther -- 247.0; Bruce Holland -- 229.6; Tom Beottger -- 267.8; Terry Campbell -- 235.4; Norman Agnew -- 285.2; Jim Miles -- 241.0; Doug Adam -- 277.2; Denis Vaucher -- 228.2; Jimmy Carroll -- 228.2; and, yours truly, Rod-Boy Shealy -- a massive, whopping, huge-enormous, earth-orbit-altering 248.6 lbs.

I’ll keep you posted with our weigh loss progress in the weeks ahead between now and the final weigh-in in April.

In the meantime, my advice to you is this: If you run into any of these people on the street, stay as far away from them a possible. They’re hungry. They’re grouchy. And they may try to take a bite out of your arm.

A healthy appetite

This week, I’m both happy and sad to report that I have a healthy appetite. That’s because I’m marking two separate occasions this week.

First, on Monday, we kicked off our annual “I’m a Big, Fat, Giant Hippo-Pig-Whale Again” Weight Loss Contest… which makes it a little unfortunate that I have a very healthy Hippo-Pig-Whale appetite, because it means by the time you read this, I’m probably going to be really, really hungry.

But, more important is the other occasion I’m observing this week, which makes me very HAPPY to have a healthy appetite: Wednesday, Feb. 11th, marks exactly six-months since I underwent surgery for cancer. And as my many other friends and acquaintances who are also cancer survivors can tell you, it’s a GREAT feeling to reach that benchmark.

If you are a regular reader of this column, you know I promised back in August to give periodic updates of my medical condition. Fortunately, there haven’t been many updates, because my medical condition has been GREAT, and hasn’t changed much at all.
You may recall that I was diagnosed with a cancerous brain tumor, likely a recurrence of a melanoma from 25 years earlier, by my friend, Dr. Oscar Lovelace. On August 11th, I underwent brain surgery at MUSC in Charleston to remove the malignant tumor, which had begun to affect my communication skills, including this column, which, back in July, was beginning to occasionally include blocks of total gibberish.

Miraculously, with the prayers of many, many friends, I recovered from that surgery quickly and fully, and was actually back on my laptop computer and cell-phone within two-days of the surgery!!! Rather than chemo or radiation therapy, my doctors advised regular monitoring to detect and treat any recurrence early. Consequently, I’ve undergone MRI’s or scans every month since August, with no evidence of cancer whatsoever. I’m clean. I’m happy. I’m healthy.

There are, of course, still blocks of total gibberish in many of my columns… but that’s usually just me attempting to be profound!

Along with my clean bill of health, it turns out, has come a healthy appetite… and I sho’nuff have one!

Suffice it to say that I’ve had no trouble convincing folks of my complete recovery from cancer once they see how big I’ve gotten! If I get any larger, they’ll give me my own zip code! (Br-r-r-rump!)

So, once again, I find myself well into the New Year, a Big, Fat, Giant Hippo-Pig-Whale, with my annual New Years Resolution to lose a few pounds merely a distant, shattered memory. And, once again, I find a dozen or so of my friends in the same boat.

So once again, we’re each throwing $100 American dollars in the pot, and laying down the mutual winners-take-all challenge. And talking smack to each other like NFL linebackers!

The difference is, when I talk smack, I put it into my newspaper column and onto my blog for the WHOLE WORLD to see. (Entering our weight loss contest is NOT for the timid. We WILL publish your name, your weight, and, if we can get our hands on it, your SAT scores, annual salary, credit report, and any unclaimed off-spring you may have sired.) The ladies who participate, however, we go easier on. Call me a chauvinist.

Anyway, as of press-time, we had not yet conducted our official beginning weigh-in – scheduled for Monday, Feb 9th at 5:30 pm -- so I can’t really be sure who is participating in the contest.

Expected participants, however, included Don Gawrys, Manager of Michaels (and reigning Champ); Terry Campbell, Nationwide Insurance; Jim Miles, former Secretary of State; Doug Adam, The Indesign Firm; Kirk Luther, Chairman of the Okra Strut (and former three-time champ); Norman Agnew, Agnew Lake Service; Shirley Towne, ADT Security; Dennis Vaucher, our first Euro-American contestant; Jimmy Carroll, Isle of Palms Realtor Extraordinaire; Tom Boettger of Carrabba’s; Bruce Holland, Attorney and Official Money-Changer; and yours truly, Rod-Boy, currently a big, fat, giant hippo-pig-whale.

And possibly a few others who were still trying to decide if they’re really as fat as the mirror indicates!

The contest period is exactly EIGHT WEEKS, beginning Monday, Feb. 9th and ending Monday, April 6th, with a final weigh-in. Then, the two winners split the pot: most pounds lost, and biggest percentage lost.

(Although it hasn’t started yet as I write this, I’m already getting hungry. I’ll bet I’m gonna be REALLY starving by April. Hey, I just thought of a good April Fools Joke I can play on myself!!!)

We'll have optional weekly weigh-ins, and hopefully get regular "unofficial" reports via email, so I will keep you posted and let you know just how big of LOSERS we really are.

The other rules of the contest are… There ARE no other rules!!! Cheating is okay... anything goes, such as having a dozen Krispy Kreme donuts delivered to each of the other contestants!!!! (Or offering them free ice cream at Gatsbees!!!) You want to get Lipo so you can win? Go for it. Cut off a limb? Perfectly legal. Anything goes.

So, by the time you read this, I will be on a strict diet, yearning for a morsel of most anything… but resisting the temptation, because I need to lose a lot of weight. I’ve had a very healthy appetite, and it’s made me WAYYYY overweight!

And, this year, I’m very thankful for that!


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You’re always welcome to let me know you agree, disagree, can’t make sense of, or simply don’t care about anything I’ve written here… or about any other topic that happens to be on your mind. You can email me directly at: RodShealy@aol.com. (Or, you can post your outrageous opinions on my FaceBook page!!! That’s right: I’m very hip, because I’m on FaceBook!!!)

And, if reading it once just wasn’t enough for you, read it again online – along with previous columns -- at my modern-technology Electronic Internet blog: www.doingthefirst.blogspot.com.

Meet The Beatles!!!

Next week, on February 9th, most of the world will overlook an anniversary, as perhaps they should. (After all, every day is the anniversary of something… and sooner or later we have to stop living in the past, right?)

But I feel the urge to mark this particular occasion here… probably just because I’m OLD, and frankly, I LIKE living in the past!

Here’s the anniversary: It was 45 years ago this month – February 9th, 1964, to be exact – that The Ed Sullivan Show gave America its first glimpse of a four-man musical combo which called itself “The Beatles”.

I was watching.

And if you’re currently 50-or-60 something, you probably were, too. I read recently that The Beatles initial performance on Ed Sullivan’s show is still the highest-rated non-sporting event in TV history. (I know its true, because I read it on The Internet!!!)

That event may not have started the cultural revolution we now refer to as “The Sixties”, but it was certainly a major catalyst. Just eleven weeks earlier, Kennedy had been assassinated, and the nation was still in shock. We needed something to change the conversation. And we got it.

The Lads from Liverpool burst onto the American scene like nothing we had ever witnessed before. And suddenly, the world began to change. (Bear in mind that my perspective might be a little off. I had just turned 10 years old, so my world was getting ready to change, with or without The Beatles.)

For three consecutive weeks, The Beatles headlined Sullivan’s Sunday night variety show -- always accompanied by a theatre full of wildly screaming young girls -- and quickly became THE topic of conversation in America. Period.

Everybody was singing along, because the lyrics were easy to remember: “Yeah, yeah, yeah!” Even I could remember those words.

“I want to hold you hand!”

“She was just seventeen, if you know what I mean!”

“Shake it up, baby. Twist and Shout!”

“All my lovin’ I will send to you.”

And of course, “She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah!!!!”

Their music was actually quite good, with intricate harmonies and memorable, inventive melodies delivered in an exciting, upbeat tempo. But most of us didn’t realize it at the time. We mostly never got beyond their “gimmick”: the mop-tops.

Perhaps, somewhere in the world, maybe even in our own nation, males had worn their hair “long” before The Beatles showed up. But I had never seen ‘em. This was new and exciting. And a little weird at first -- a curiosity -- until everybody started doing it.

Within a year of that first appearance, my barber shop had a third offering on the price placard above his chair: “Haircut. Crewcut. Beatle Haircut.”

Then, for those of us who couldn’t quite get there (at the time) with the long hair, there were Beatle Wigs. I owned one. It looked very authentic when I wore it to my fourth grade classes.

Not only did The Beatles cause me to purchase the first record I ever even thought about owning, but I also invested in their “Beatles trading cards”.

As big of a Beatle’s fan as I became, I still couldn’t bring myself to completely abandon Walt Disney’s Wonderful World of Color, which was being televised on a different network directly opposite Sullivan. Somehow, to this day, forty-five years later, I still recall that Disney featured a three-part movie, “Scarecrow of Romney Marsh”, up against Sullivan. And it worked, because I remember turning the dial back and forth between the two channels so I could watch the movie without missing any of The Beatles.

A few years later, of course, John, Paul, George and Richard Starkey (Ringo’s real name) abandoned the mop-tops for regular-old scruffy-looking long hair, just like a couple million other hippies. In my young, innocent mind, I actually always gave The Beatles the credit (or blame) for the entire Sixties thing. Their music got druggy and psychedelic, they started hanging out with gurus and yogis and maharashis (and Yoko Ono), and, to be perfectly honest, they kinda just lost me.

They got away from me somewhere between Sgt. Pepper and Yellow Submarine. Abbey Road, for instance, was just way over my head. And White Album or Magical Mystery Tour… Cripes! They completely lost me.

But for a few Sunday nights in February, 1964, they captivated us, changed our conversation, and changed our world. And if you were there, you remember it, too.

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Okay, enough living in the past. Back to the present. Reality.

And the reality is this: We’re well into the new year, and I’m a big, fat, giant hippo-pig-whale!!!

So, as I mentioned last week, I’m kicking off another $100 per person, winners-take-all Weight Loss Challenge. We’ve got about a dozen entries so far, but I’m hoping for more (so I can make more money when I win it all!!!)

If you think you might qualify to enter this contest…. Then let me break the suspense for you: You DO!!!

We start this coming Monday, February 9th, with a group weigh-in… which, by the way, is the 45 year anniversary of The Beatles first appearance on the Ed Sullivan Show. (Unlike the 1964 event, there will NOT be a theatre full of wildly screaming young fans for our weigh-in.) Email me if you want more details: RodShealy@aol.com

I want to win your money!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!!!

A very, thin line!

Since this is our Fifth Issue of the Month of January – and right on the verge of being February -- I’m going to give you a few random thoughts in today’s column.

First of all, I’m wondering why newspaper columns came to be known as “columns”, and their authors came to be as columnists. I suppose it’s because, in the days before computers, all newspapers were designed column-by-column and writers of little literary gems like this were regulated to a single column… but I’m not sure.

I really should know, having been in this business for nearly 20 years… but I DON’T know. Regardless, journalistic masterpieces such as this are no longer designed in a strict column format. Now, they’re designed more as “blurbs”. I should probably consider myself a “blurbist”, not a columnist.

Okay, back to this weeks blurb.

Ground Hog Day is coming up next week, February 2nd. Let me repeat my annual advice: Be sure to dress comfortably in case this happens to be the year that the movie comes true!!!

Speaking of movies, television and entertainment…

The Super Bowl is this Sunday. It’s time for an all new slew of Big-Time High-Priced TV advertising. The economy may be in a downward slide, but I’m betting you won’t be able to tell it from the television commercials during the Super Bowl.

Normally, I would be rooting for Pittsburgh I’ve been somewhat partial to the Steelers ever since the days of Mean Joe Green, who I liked, mainly because of his TV ads for Coke.

But this year, I find myself leaning toward the Arizona Cardinals, mainly because I’m a big fan of their standout receiver, Rod Tidwell.

In my world, there’s a very thin line between make-believe and real life.
Segue to “Is it real, or is it make believe?”

Sharp-eyed viewers who watched last weeks Presidential Inauguration on CNN caught a glimpse of a UFO sliding through the sky behind the Washington Monument. You can go online and see a clip of it for yourself.

Is it real, or is it make believe? Decide for yourself. I personally don’t think this was a real UFO – even though I AM a believer in them – because it did not appear to have the same shape and movement characteristics as the UFO’s in Close Encounters of the Third Kind.

A very thin line, I tell you.

Now let’s switch gears to a very, very real – and stark – reality.

I’m Fat Again.

Way fat!!! A big, fat, giant hippo-pig-whale!!!

It came to my attention this weekend when I attended a formal gala and tried to fit into my tux… and couldn’t.

(Okay, as soon as you stop rolling on the floor laughing at the dual absurdities of Rod-Boy a) in a tuxedo, and b) having been invited to a formal gala… we’ll continue with this week’s blurb.)

Anywho, it didn’t fit, because I am HUGE! Gargantuan! Ginormous! BIG, with a capital B-I-G!!! We’re talking Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Balloon big! I could have my own zip code! I’m beside myself… literally!!!

Regular readers will recall what happens when I find myself in this condition each year soon after the holidays: I organize my almost-annual Fifteen Fat Guys Weight Loss Contest! And that’s what I’m going to do.

This is my open invitation for any and all takers to join us. We’ll start the contest on Monday, February 9th, and end on Monday, April 6th… exactly eight weeks later. Each participant will put $100 in the pot. We’ll weigh in at the beginning and the end, and the biggest losers split the pot (half to the most pounds lost, and half to the biggest percentage loser.) If you want in this years contest, send me an email: RodShealy@aol.com, and we’ll give you the details.

Some of the same folks who have been in the contest in the past will be in it again because – guess what – they’re fat again, too!!!! But we always welcome newcomers. (There’s something particularly satisfying about taking their money.)

Two words of warning to those who dare join us: First, I WILL be writing about you in future editions of my weekly blurb. And, second, when it’s all over, I plan to have YOUR money!!!

Okay, on to other business…

Last week, I wrote here about Australia Day, January 26th. But I failed to mention that Jan. 26 is also Indian Independence Day, which was pointed out to me by my new friend Desiia. Thanks for letting me know. Happy Indo-Inde Day! (A few days late.)

Hey! How about that big snow last week?!!!! I’m still digging myself out!!!

As promised in my New Years resolution, I am trying to include bigger and better words in my blurb each week. This week’s Big Word: Obfuscate.

Advice to Young Guys from an Old Guy: Start planning now for Valentine’s Day. (To us, it’s just a day in the middle of February. But to them, it’s a Special Occasion you’d better not forget!!!)

Nostalgic Mention of the Week: I picked up the Sunday Daily Paper (The State) this weekend, and for the first time in many, many years, happened to glance at the comics (or the “funnies”, as I called them in my youth). There were mostly strips I had never heard of before, but fortunately still a few that I remembered: Peanuts, Blondie, Beetle Bailey, Dennis The Menace. So I started wondering who else might remember the comics I remember from a half-century ago: Li’l Abner, Dick Tracy, Pogo, Mutt & Jeff, Dondi, The Phantom, Steve Crane, Mary Worth, Mandrake The Magician. I’d be interesting in hearing the comics YOU remember from the Good Ole Days.

Okay, that’s it for this week. We will now return to a regular schedule of only four editions per month…until the fifth week of April!!!

Australia Day! G’day, mate!

I want to be the first to wish you a Happy Australia Day! (It’s coming up this week, you know.)

I think Australia Day is one of our most overlooked holidays here in the Good Ole USA… which is a shame, because we Americans universally like Australia.

Most years, we just simply forget to celebrate the day. We always remember St. Patty’s Day, a tribute to Ireland. We remember Cinco de Mayo, the holiday celebrated by our neighbors to the south. And we usually note the occurrence of Chinese New Year.

So why not Australia Day?

Many of us, if we were forced to relocate to any other country to live, would choose Australia. After all, they speak the same language as us, albeit with a bit of an accent. They practice Democracy, albeit spiced-up, with a little more name-calling than we’re accustomed to. And the country was first colonized by the cast-offs from other places…. just like us!

The native animals there are the stuff kids books are made of: kangaroo, koala, duckbill platypus. And they seem to be very likeable folks, the ones we know: Olivia Newton John, Russell Crowe, Mel Gibson, Nicole Kidman, Hugh Jackman, Elle Macpherson… these are all people I’d like to hang out with. (Not to mention Crocodile Dundee!)

And, to top it off, they have their own continent! The whole thing!!! Crikey!!!

Probably the reason I’m remembering the Australian holiday THIS year is because our little newspaper organization – the over-worked and under-paid people who provide you with the newspaper you’re reading each week – gained a new Australian-born General Sales Manager LAST year… and none of us have been able to get Australia our of our minds ever since!!!

Our GSM’s name is Jacqueline Kleynenberg, and she joined us one year ago this month. She came to us from Down Under, via Michigan, where she picked up hubby Michael, along with his last name. We have come to think of it as our own little cultural exchange program.

Anyway, now realizing the error of our ways in not celebrating this important holiday each year – after all, the Aussies are and have always been great allies of the USA, even during those times when some of our allies (we won’t mention any names, but “parlez vous Francais?”) seem to get amnesia about who their friends are – we’ve decided to commence our own Australia Day celebration. But before we start wolfing down Bloomin’ Onions and singing “Tie Me Kangaroo Down”, we thought a little edu-ma-cation might be in order.

So we asked our Jacqueline’s Pop, who is still down under, to give us a crash course on what this Australia Day is really all about. So, this week, as a part of my weekly word-offering to you, I’m proud to present, live and direct from the Land Down Under: Jacqueline’s Dad, The Most Honourable Eddie Edstein, retired from the Australian Military and Diplomatic Service. G’day, mate!

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Austalia Day – January 26th
By Eddie Edstein
Australia Day is the National Anniversary of the founding of Australia by Captain Arthur Phillip in 1788. It is a Public holiday and is generally celebrated with major fireworks displays in major cities, small town parades or just lazing on the beach or a friendly BBQ at home with the neighbors. Usually organizers have a major tennis or cricket event at this time. It is celebrated on the day it falls but if on a week-end the following Monday is given as a public holiday.
Australia had been visited by many nations before the arrival of Captain James Cook in the Barque ‘Endeavour’ in 1770 when he claimed it for England. The Chinese had visited here back in 1421 and made some long forays into the hinterland after becoming shipwrecked. There is some evidence that DNA shows some aboriginals have Chinese blood. Many other countries, particularly the Dutch, had landed and even chartered the coastline from what is now Western Australia right around Southern Australia and up to the top of Queensland on the East Coast in the 15/16 centuries. They, had even named the land mass as ‘New Holland’ but somehow never got around to making the necessary claim.
Captain Arthur Phillip arrived with the First fleet but passed the magnificent Port Jackson (Sydney Harbour) sailing some 20 miles further South to Botany Bay where he landed at Kurnell and raised the Flag of and for England and there began the first white settlement of Australia. Re-enactments of this event takes place every year on 26 January.
It was also the beginning of an unfortunate conflict with the Aboriginal people who inhabited this area resulting in many fatal outcomes. On 26 January each year, the Aboriginal people make their peaceful protest at the re-enactment site.
The first fleet arrived with a military contingent, supplies, and animals and fowl for the beginning of their new country. Also, there were many convicts accompanying the fleet.
The settlement moved back to Port Jackson (Sydney Harbour) where the settlement grew quickly with the arrival of more convict ships. Australia was now a penal colony. Convicts were sent to Sydney, Melbourne and Tasmania (Port Arthur). They were sent to many other places too.
Australia, like America has been built largely on its immigrants from all parts of the world. Initially most came from England and after the WWII many came from Europe. Many Italians, Greeks and folk from the Baltics, and Eastern Europe arrived in the late 1940’s and early 1950’s. Now we have immigrants from China, Vietnam and the Middle East and many other countries.
We welcome them all and we now have some magnificent restaurants of many different cuisines. We also benefit from the cultures they bring with them. We only ask that they leave their prejudices behind.
Now we all share in the benefits of living in a free country made by many who have laid down their lives to make it so.
We ask only that they respect the country they have chosen, its Flag and the values it stands for.
Although we still are part of the British Commonwealth and share some of the British traditions, we are fiercely independent, especially in our sporting achievements but we always try to abide by the sporting code. We are well known for our egalitarian attitude of the “Fair Go” for all and generally dislike people who flaunt their wealth or position.
We take our share of the load in world conflicts and usually pay more heavily per capita for doing so. And we do it entirely at our own expense!
We are presently 21 million strong but have room for a few more. Why not come down and have a look? Or stay even?
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About the author: Eddie Edstein retired as an Officer in the Australian Military with 23 years service, then served in the Australian Government’s Foreign Diplomatic Service for 12 years. He is a husband (with 48 years service) and the father of three daughters, with eight grandchildren. He currently resides on Bribie Island, Qld., which is in Northeastern Australia.

Black Like Me

Next week, America will witness back-to-back celebrations. On Monday, we’ll pause to honor a pioneer of the civil rights movement, Martin Luther King. And then, on Tuesday, we’ll witness the inauguration of Barack Obama, our first African-American president... if not the culmination of the struggle for equality for all Americans, certainly a major benchmark.

Reflecting on the importance of the coming week, I couldn’t help but think back over the last half century – my lifetime – and the issue which largely defined that time period: race relations in America.

It was, in fact, a half century ago in 1959 that a journalist, John Howard Griffin, embarked on his six-week journey to help white Americans better understand black Americans. As research for his book, “Black Like Me” (which later became a James Whitmore movie by the same name), author Griffin, who was white, had a medical doctor inject him with a drug which changed the pigmentation of his skin to make him appear to be an African-American. He then spent six weeks traveling through Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, and Georgia in an attempt to better understand what it really meant to be a black American. His 1961 book, along with the movie in 1964, helped white Americans gain a slightly better understanding of black Americans at a time when racial tensions were at an all-time high.

Now, far be it from me -- or any other white American -- to claim to actually understand the plight of African-Americans. We don’t and we can’t… anymore than we can truly understand poverty, hunger, cancer, depression, space travel, mountain climbing, skydiving, love, drug-addiction, prison, death, or childbirth… until we’ve actually done it.

But that does not stop us from sharing in the excitement, enthusiasm, and euphoria next week during this momentous occasion.

I, for one, have always believed that our nation is truly the land of opportunity in which all things are possible, and any person can achieve anything he can believe.

I’m guessing the inauguration of Obama will help many more people share that belief in the greatness of the American opportunity. And that is a good thing. I’m guessing that, a year or two ago, there were millions of young Americans who did NOT believe they had an equal opportunity to achieve greatness… but that will change next week.

To be sure, there has been a struggle to reach this point… and the struggle is certainly not over. MLK was just one of many, many individuals who fought to overcome the great obstacles which the black race faced since coming to this land as slaves.

In this modern day and age, none of us condone or understand many of the practices of our forefathers, whether it be building a slave nation, or burning innocent women as witches, or beheading the ousted rulers of the nations from which we came. Nor, in this modern age, do we understand the recent regime which would attempt to exterminate an entire race, or the current culture which celebrates the flying of jet airliners into sky-scrapers to kill as many innocent people as possible. We wonder how human nature can invent such atrocities.

But the obstacles to African-Americans -- which began with the slavery we don’t understand or condone -- have continued far beyond that practice. Just five generations ago, it was illegal in many states to teach a black person to read! Just two generations ago, most black youngsters were relegated to sub-standard educational facilities. And in this generation, that same human nature -- which allowed for practices we now find reprehensible -- is still erecting barriers every day through both attitudes and actions.

But next week, the entire world will receive the clearest signal ever that Americans, working together, are now overcoming those obstacles. We will prove to the world that we are “one Nation, under God, with Liberty and Justice for All.”

Over the last few weeks, as many of us enjoyed the college football bowl games which always accompany the holiday season, we often found ourselves watching games in which we had no real favorite. And since we had no favorite, we did what Americans do: we rooted for the underdog!

Last November, I did not vote for Obama, because his positions on most issues did not parallel my personal positions. Still, there was a part of me throughout the electoral process which was rooting for the underdog. And now that the nation has made its choice, I will embrace his Presidency. He is our Commander-In-Chief, and I will support his leadership as we all do under our system of democracy.

But next week’s celebration is about far more than issues, or partisan politics, or the change in administration. It is about opening the doors of opportunity to EVERY single American, and taking a giant step forward on the issue of race relations.

All black Americans will be enthusiastically celebrating two important days next week.

So will I.

NY Resolutions: Version 2.009

Now that the New Year is getting a little age on it – we’re ONE WEEK into it already – I’m ready to discuss my New Years Resolutions.

I long ago gave up on the standard practice of trying to begin a healthy new habit on the day after New Year’s Eve. On paper, turning over a new leaf with the New Year is a great idea. But, to make it work for me, I usually just postpone starting until I’m really in the mood to improve myself (as opposed to the day after New Year’s Eve, when I’m generally only in the mood for a nap!)

Most New Years Resolutions deal with self-improvement. With the year now roughly 2% expired, I’ve had sufficient time to carefully examine myself to determine which areas of my life need improving.

This year, instead of devoting my resolution to improving MYSELF -- which, after all, seems like sort of a selfish and self-centered thing to do -- I’ve decided to devote myself to improving THIS WEEKLY COLUMN.

Turns out, after contemplating it for a whole, entire week, I can’t think of a single thing about myself than needs improving!!!! (Unless, of course, you include trite and unimportant things, like my weight. Or my physical condition. Or my financial condition. Or my perpetual laziness, carelessness, inattentiveness, forgetfulness, irresponsibility, unreliability and immaturity. Or my looks. Or my personality. Or my driving. Or my fashion-sense.)

Okay, maybe I CAN think of a few things about myself I could change. But none of ‘em really jumped up, slapped me in the face, and shouted “fix me, fix me… I’m broken”!!!

So, instead, for 2009, I’m resolving to present Rod-Boy’s New & Improved Weekly Newspaper Column. And I’ve already made a list of the improvements I’m planning:

--- A more EXCITING column!!!!! I seriously doubt if the content of the articles will actually be any more exciting… but the writing style WILL BE!!!!!!!! I plan accomplish this by including more EXCLAMATION POINTS than EVER!!!!!!!!!! Also, a STRONG dose of underlined words, ALL CAPS, italicized words and even bolded words… sometimes ENTIRE PHRASES or sentences!!!!!!! And sometimes, I’ll use more than one of these ultra-exciting writing devices, combining several to increase YOUR column-reading enjoyment!!!!!!!!-- A shorter column!!!! Again, this improvement is for YOU!!!! Time is money, and in these tough economic times, none of us can afford to be wasting either. So if I can reduce your reading time by, say 25%, those are precious extra minutes you can use on more profitable pursuits!!!! (This also argues for skipping this column altogether, which, frankly, I couldn’t argue with if you did.)

-- Better words!!!!! This is an area where I hope you will see a MAJOR improvement. In looking back over previous columns, I realized that there are a number of perfectly good words which I rarely, if ever, use in my column!!!!
Words like
“balderdash”.
“Jabberwocky”.
“Paraphernalia”.
“Unequivocally”.
“Persnicketty.”
“Willy-nilly”.
And “Minnesota.”

(I realize Minnesota is not a word… it’s the name of a state. But if they let that Saturday Night Live guy be their U.S. Senator, I suspect it will also soon take on a dual-meaning and become a word used by residents of the other 49 states!!!!!)

And not just better words...BIGGER words, too!!!! Just like the New York Times!!!

-- Prufereeding!!!! Beginnning immeediatlee, wee will prufereed this columm vary carfully eech weak befour allouwing it to bee printed!!!!!

-- Clearly identifying the humor as humor. I’m a bit chagrinned (Note: Big Word) to recognize that some readers apparently fail to see the humor in some of my humor. Case in point: A couple of weeks ago, I just casually made reference to the number of Northerners who had migrated to the Pimento State, observing that the Midwesterners (Ohio, Michigan, et al) seem to blend in better than the True Yankees (New York, Massachusetts, etc.) Turns out, the Yankees also don’t recognize tongue-in-cheek satire or hilarious, slapstick frivolity when they read it. I received not one, not two, but THREE angry emails from transplanted-New Yorkers after that column. Apparently, they didn’t recognize it as attempted humor. (You would think they might have picked up on it later in the column when I claimed to have been the original author of “Jingle Bells”, “Joy to the World”, “The Night Before Christmas”, and “Feliz Navidad”.)

-- A point!!! This year, I’m planning on having an actual “point” to each of my columns…. something that has been sadly lacking for the last two years, I’ve been told!!!! Most of the time, it’s just “a column about nothing”… just the non-sensical
weekly ramblings of a mildly disturbed, middle-aged but immature jokester curmudgeon. (Another new word!!!)

Since I don’t want to fall into that Seinfeld trap of “a column about nothing”, I’ve decided that each and every column I write during 2009 will contain a clearly discernable reason for having written it… an actual POINT!!!

Beginning NEXT WEEK!!!!!!!

An optimistic look back at 2008

Looking back at 2008, I’m gushing with enthusiasm that it was such a wonderful year… and I’m confident 2009 is going to be even better!!!
Of course, I’m an optimist.

And not just the starry-eyed, dreamer kind of optimist. I’m an actual member of the club: It’s official.

(Before I was recruited to become a Charter Member of the Chapin Optimist Club back in 1993, I had always thought Optimist Clubs were organizations for eye doctors… but then I read closer and realized that the clubs were just groups of local folks who all had positive outlooks on life, and got together to do good things for their communities.)

Turns out, I’m the unofficial “glass-half-full” kind of optimist, too… which has probably helped me make it this far. (If I were not an optimist, I might get depressed when I looked in the mirror every morning; but, as it is, I catch a glimpse of myself getting out of the shower and think, “Great news! I’m not going hungry!!!”)

The beginning of each New Year is a time of great optimism for many people, as they resolve to improve themselves in various ways.

The end of the Old Year, however, is too often dominated by less-than-positive reflections of the year just past. A lot of the blame for that goes to the news media, I think. Invariably, the news media ends the year with their own compilations of the “biggest news stories” of the year… and, of course, if it was a “big” news story to start with, it probably had a negative slant. After all, the major media doesn’t make its money from writing positive news. (“If it bleeds, it leads”, as the old newspaper saying goes.)

So, optimist that I am, I decided to take my own look back at the year just ended -- 2008 -- and what I discovered was a wonderfully, fantastic year!!!

There are those who would take issue with my optimistic assessment. They would point to the national economy which required an historic “bailout”. They would remind me that my choice for President lost. They would remind me that I personally underwent brain surgery for cancer, and ended the year by turning 55, making me officially old. In short, they see the glass half-empty.

But that’s not the way I see it.

I see an economy which is correcting itself to match the numerous changes in last few decades – especially technology – which have altered the world as we know it. While many of us saw short-term losses in our long-term investments, virtually no one went hungry this year as a result, and the “new” market which emerges will be stronger and more stable, with greater earning potential for the future.
When I see unemployment at 7%, that means an astounding 93% of the people have jobs… and the entire notion of “jobs” is changing as more and more people are using new technologies to create their own livelihoods.

While my preferred candidate didn’t win the Presidency, many good results will come from the election of Barak Obama, most notably the easing of race problems which have long plagued our nation.

Would I have preferred a Republican president? Sure. But the really good news is this: Our nation changed governments without riots or unrest or bloodshed, something which is rare in the annals of history. And we did so because the largest voter participation in history occurred this November. And because we changed government in an orderly way proscribed by our Constitution, we will have the opportunity to change back again if four years if we choose! A guaranteed opportunity!

Then there were the Olympics, where China managed to take 15 more Gold Medals than we did, while also showing off its new super-superpower status to the world. (We, of course, won more medals overall… a small consolation.)

But the far bigger story than which superpower prevailed in the medal count was that more than one hundred nations again came together is a peaceful display of global harmony and brotherhood. Are there still trouble-spots in the world? Of course there are. But there is also a prevailing goodwill among nations that has been more of the exception than the rule through recorded history. The greater openness which technology has only recently afforded is already bearing the fruit of global progress and acceptance.

As for me personally during 2008, yes, I did face a health challenge when I was diagnosed with brain cancer and had a tumor removed in August. But, to me, this incident represents the best news of all… because I’m still here!!! There’s probably nobody on earth who has ever been happier to turn 55, as I did last week. Somewhere between the neuro-surgeons at MUSC and the prayers of many hundreds of friends and supporters, it worked out well… and has increased my optimism to an all new level!!

So, I guess you can see why I’m gushing with enthusiasm about 2008!

And if you’re still not convinced that 2008 was a banner year…
Clemson and South Carolina are BOTH playing on New Year’s Day Bowl Games… and how often does THAT happen?

Hope your 2008 was as great as mine was, and your New Year is better than ever!!!

Things I forgot to write this year

As I was preparing to write this, my final column of 2008, I pulled out my notes from the year and realized there were a few things I had intended to write about, but simply forgot.

Actually, I didn’t totally forget, because I’m thinking of them now. Let’s just say I didn’t forget… I simply ran out of weeks. There are only 52 weeks in a year, and if I have more than 52 topics, I’m out of luck. (Probably even fewer, because I use about half of the weeks dribbling about some nonsense that just happened to cross my mind, or reminiscing about the way things were when I was a kid.)

Anyway, I thought – this being the Christmas season and all, as my special Christmas gift to you – I would quickly run through some of the points I intended to write about, but didn’t get around to.

-- Absent-mindedness is not such a bad thing, I have learned. True, you occasionally forget something important… but you also forget a LOT of stuff that you’re better off not remembering!

-- Don’t you hate it when you call customer service, and you get a recording telling you that you’ll be on “hold” for five minutes until the next representative is available? Know what I do? After they answer, I always make a point to put THEM on hold a few times… you know, maybe to go warm up my coffee, or just to stretch my legs which have gotten stiff from sitting there waiting for them to answer!!!

-- There are an awful lot of people originally from Up North who have moved to the Pimento State. I think my favorite transplants are the ones from places like Michigan and Ohio in the Mid-West. They seem to blend in rather nicely. But, you can’t really say that about the ones from New York and Massachusetts. Seems like they’re always trying to change things to “the way we did it Up North.” (They can complain about us all they want to, but you don’t hear about anybody retiring and moving North!)

-- At my house, I have three different kinds of exercise machines in various rooms. I have found that no matter what part of the house they’re in, they all make excellent clothes racks.

-- The older I become, the more I forget the names of people… but the less embarrassed I am about it. When acquaintances challenge me on forgetting their names, I have a great comeback:
“I’m old!”

-- I have recently learned that there’s nothing less romantic than flossing in bed.

-- Paying for TV and buying water. These are concepts which I scoffed at when I first heard them predicted many years ago. Now I freely fork over hard-earned cash for both. What has happened to me?

-- And speaking of TV, the conversion from analog to digital is now only weeks away. I haven’t given it much thought until recently. I’m not an engineer or computer expert, so I really don’t fully understand the technological reasons for the required changeover. However, a couple of questions have arisen in my mind, which I’m hopeful have already been raised and answered before Congress mandated the change-over.

Here’s the most concerning question: If all of our TV communications are now digital – and analog no longer exists – wouldn’t our entire nationwide communications network be at risk of being “hacked”? Couldn’t technology-savvy enemies of our nation easily disrupt, or even hijack, our broadcasts via the Internet, which they cannot do with analog signals? Probably not. Probably I’m just wondering out loud, and the great minds in Washington have figured that problem out a long time ago. Anyway, I hope so.

-- Did I ever tell you that I keep one contact lens in, and one out, so I can see far away or close up? Of course, near or far, everything’s a little fuzzy this way. So, if you see me on the street, and I seem not to recognize you… you’ll know why!!!

“I’m old!”

-- Technology is taking over my life. There was a time when – if I had a question – I would look it up in the encyclopedia or almanac. Nowadays, I usually just google it. I’m now officially a Facebook user. (For the un-enlightened, that’s a “social network” website on the Internet.) And I currently have over 500 emails waiting to be read. (Actually, most of them have already been glanced at, but I’m waiting on some “spare time” to go back and read them thoroughly.)

-- Do you realize that – when the clock strikes midnight on New Years Eve – we will officially be in the 10th year of the New Century and the New Millennium? Could it have been that long already? (I guess time flies when you’re fighting terrorism and heading into a global recession.)

I can tell it’s been a long time since we heralded in Y2K on January 1, 2000, because back then, I had learned how to spell “millennium”, and today, as I’m writing this column… I had to look it up!

On Dictionary.com, of course.

Suddenly, its coming back to me. I didn’t FORGET to write about these things… I skipped them on purpose! Oh well, too late now.

I am, however, currently forgetting to write my special 2008 Christmas Week Holiday Greetings column!

So let me just quickly leave you with a few of my original Christmas thoughts:

“Have a holly, jolly Christmas. May all your Christmases be bright. Santa Claus is coming to town. Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow. We wish you a merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Although it’s been said many times, many ways, Merry Christmas to you. Jump in bed and cover your head ‘cause Santa Claus comes tonight. Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas. Feliz Navidad. Fa la la la la, la la la la!”


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You’re always welcome to let me know you agree, disagree, can’t make sense of, or simply don’t care about anything I’ve written here… or about any other topic that happens to be on your mind. You can email me directly at: RodShealy@aol.com.

And, if reading it once just wasn’t enough for you, read it again online – along with previous columns -- at my modern-technology Electronic Internet blog: www.doingthefirst.blogspot.com (And, if you’d like to look at me while you’re reading… you can look me up on Facebook!)

The Gifts of Christmas Past

Every time I hear the opening line of Silver Bells – “City sidewalks, busy sidewalks” – my mind goes back to a time when there actually were busy sidewalks at Christmastime… back to The Time Before Malls!

I have vivid memories of family shopping excursions on the streets of Downtown Columbia during the holiday season. Looking back, it’s likely that they were not “family shopping excursions” at all… just the kids tagging along because the adults didn’t have anywhere else to park the kids.

Main Street in Columbia was dressed in holiday style every December. There were decorations strung across the streets, the giant State House tree shimmering at the end of the street, and, of course, the window displays in the stores. My favorite was always Belk. They had massive Christmas displays that still linger in my mind… like the manger scene up on the catwalk… or the actual working model trains in the window displays.

These days, it doesn’t seem possible that a 9 year-old kid could be left alone on Main Street of a major city, darting back and forth from store to store and block to block, with only the instructions to “meet at the Eckerd’s lunch counter in two hours”. If, after nearly 50 years, my memory is correct, there was Belk, Eckerd, J.C. Penny, Tapps, Berry on Main, Woolworth, Kresse, McCory, J.B. White, and about a hundred other shops and stores. (The official names were “Belk”, “J.C. Penny”, “J. B. White”, and “Eckerd”… but we for some reason always pluralized the names to “Belks, Pennys, Whites and Eckards”.)

Off we’d go, in various directions, into a sea of Christmas shoppers from throughout the Midlands who had all converged on the same six-block hub.

Of course, I usually wasn’t actually doing any SHOPPING on Main Street in Columbia. Mainly, I was just looking and wishing and dreaming. It was wonderful!

My personal holiday gift shopping would come later on Main Street in Lexington, my hometown, just 13 miles away from Columbia. Lexington’s Main Street was also quite a festive place, with Session’s and Harman’s Drugs and Taylors Hardware and the Western Auto all on the same block!!! Most of my actual purchases came from what I considered to be the epicenter of the Lexington shopping district: Dodd’s Dime Store! (And, usually, at a more appropriate time for Christmas shopping: Christmas Eve -- or maybe the day before -- a fine holiday tradition I continue to this day!!!)

I still recall what was likely the first time I went shopping at Dodd’s by myself with my own money. (It was bicycling distance from my home, only about a mile further down Main Street.)

At the age of probably eight years old, with my own money earned from chores during the Christmas vacation, I located what I was certain to be the perfect Christmas gift for my Mom: a 25-cent arrangement of plastic flowers which I was absolutely certain she would adore!

And, sure enough, I was right! When she opened my gift on Christmas morning, she couldn’t stop oohing and ahhing! She was thrilled with my gift! Completely overwhelmed, based on her reaction!

My gift-giving prowess continued through the years. By the time my kid brother Shawn came along, Mom and Dad were in the habit of showering us with goodies on Christmas. And since he was about a dozen years younger than the three older kids, he really racked up on the Santa loot. At about age three, he got a ton of gifts: Hot Wheels, Big Wheels, a drum-set, games and toys galore.

From his older brother, his gift was a roll of Scotch tape… which he proceeded to play with for the rest of the day while virtually ignoring all of his big Santa Claus gifts!!!

I recall that, when I was age 11 or 12, my older sister Sherry -- who was already old enough to have a real, part-time job -- gave my sister Cric and me each a transistor radio! Now THAT was a major gift! As far as I was concerned, it might as well have been a car or a yacht or a house. They all cost the same amount to me: LOTS! It was at that moment when I first began to really understand the value of having a job, and to develop the work ethic that would stick with me until… well, I guess last weekend!

Of course, the most unusual gift any of us received came on Christmas, 1967, when each of us three older kids received a note in the toe of our stockings announcing the Shealy family would soon be adding a fifth and final child: Lorri, the youngest, who sure enough came along a few months later! (I also recall getting new shoelaces in the stocking, which I badly needed. And, every year since I can recall, everybody’s stocking had a flashlight. At our house, Santa had a very practical side!)

At the Shealy home, Christmas was a happy time. We were blessed, and we knew it.
That’s why Dad, every Christmas, took it upon himself to try to make Christmas a little brighter for some other family. Long before there were Toy Drives or Adopt-a-Family programs, he would quietly find a family each year that was not financially able to provide gifts, and deliver a couple of packages for each of the kids. He did it without fanfare or acknowledgement. He never really even told us kids what he was doing. He was simply trying to share our blessings.

One year, though, on Christmas morning, he invited me to go along with him to deliver those gifts… and I suppose that is when I learned what Christmas is truly about. It’s one Christmas memory that I’ll never forget… and a gift that will stay with me forever.

Great parents and caring families, it turns out, are the very best gifts of all!

Here’s hoping your Christmas is filled with wonderful gifts for you and yours.