Missing in Action: Fourteen Fat Guys!
As regular readers of this column know, I have been engaged in a fierce weight-loss battle with sixteen friends for the last twelve weeks. Starting back in August – the 14th to be exact – the seventeen of us have been competing to determine who could lose the most weight in three months. To make it interesting, we each chipped 100 American smackers into a pot (or in my case, an IOU for $100, since I was a little short that day) with the winner(s) taking it all at the end of the contest. That’s $1,700 worth of weight-loss incentive, plus the promise that I would provide regular public pressure in this column.
The whole lot of us started off strong. At the initial weigh-in we tipped the scales at an enormous 4,528 pounds. That’s more than two tons. During the first few days of dieting, we were all on a roll. (As a matter of fact, it was reported that, during that week in August, the rotation of the Earth varied ever so slightly, due to the shift in the gravitational pull.) Weight was dropping like footballs thrown by USC quarterbacks during the Vandy game.
Twelve of the thirteen weeks have now elapsed. The final weigh-in is this Tuesday, November 13th.
But a funny thing happened on the way to the finish-line. We lost 14 of our contestants.
Or, at least, we haven’t heard from them for a while.
At the beginning, there was trash-talk spewing on a daily, even hourly basis. Emails back and forth every day. Boasts. Bragging. Dares. Side-bets. Even some hyperbole thrown in.
But, then came the first weekend.
Weekends have a way of doing things to a dieter. We lost about a quarter of our contestants on the first weekend.
As the weeks dragged by, the trash-talking disappeared, and the emails rarely got returned.
I hate to say it, but I think we lost about fourteen of our fat guys. I think they’re even going to skip the final weigh-in.
So, one more time, I’m going to apply a little pressure by publishing the whole list – along with their starting weights. And if you happen to bump into one of these guys, ask them how the weight-loss contest is going. (You’ll know it’s them because they’ll probably be casting a shadow bigger than a water tower.)
Here they are. The contestants, as we enter our final week of dieting and humility – with their starting weight along with MY personal guess at their current weights:
Irmo Town Councilman Barry "Fatback" Walker -- starting weight 331; estimated current weight 311;
Hizzoner Brian Jeffcoat -- starting weight 316; estimated current weight 316;
Lexington Town Councilman Danny Frazier -- starting weight 312; estimated current weight 312;
Senator Jake Knotts -- starting weight 302; estimated current weight 302;
Stan "The Man" Bowen -- starting weight 292; estimated current weight 292;
Transportation Pro Gerald Head -- starting weight 285; estimated current weight 285;
ETV’s Andy Gobeil -- starting weight 279; estimated current weight 279; GOP
Heavyweight Scott Malyerck -- starting weight 273; estimated current weight 274;
Design Guru Douglas Adam -- starting weight 264; estimated current weight 264;
Econobug’s Ricky “Rubi” Wingard -- starting weight 263; estimated current weight 263;
Yours Truly, The Publisher -- starting weight 245; estimated current weight 198;
Insurance Veteran Terry Campbell -- starting weight 237; estimated current weight 238;
Former Secretary of State Jim Miles -- starting weight 235; estimated current weight 234;
Reigning Champ and Okra Strut Chm. Kirk Luther -- starting weight 234; estimated current weight 254;
Anonymous A. L. Wingard -- starting weight 225; estimated current weight 215;
Retired Humor Writer Tim Kelly -- starting weight 225; estimated current weight 224.9;
R.J. Shealy (that’s Rod, Jr.) -- starting weight 210; estimated current weight 210.
That’s it for my weight-loss update... with a little trash-talking on the side. We’ll give you a report on the winners and soon as the polls are closed.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Monday, November 5, 2007
Making a tough decision
On November 6, District Five residents will cast a vote that will determine the future of our schools and our entire community.
As a result, the pages of this newspaper are full of letters, articles and advertisements trying to persuade readers to vote for or against the bond referendum.
It is the policy of this newspaper to try to allow all sides of issues to be presented through letters to the editor, which we always try to publish… whether we agree with the position or not. We believe that’s the proper role of a community newspaper. (In some cases, advocates or opponents of an issue feel strongly enough about it to purchase additional advertising space to make their case.)
Invariably, several things happen.
First, there are usually more letters for one side of an issue than the other, which sometimes leads readers to believe the newspaper supports the side with the most letters. That’s not the case: we just happen to get more letters from one side than the other, and we try to print them all, space permitting. (That’s why many people believe this newspaper has opposed all past bond referenda.)
Second, there are usually many letters written by key supporters or opponents, but signed by other names. This is done to create the appearance of widespread support or opposition to the issue. We know it happens in our newspaper, just as in every other newspaper. We don’t try to police it, because the signer of the letter always consents to have his or her name used in this way.
Third, many of the letters contain statements or statistics which are designed to confuse, mislead, or distort. If you’re shocked, don’t be. That’s the nature of campaigns: well-meaning people trying to win a majority of the votes… invariably believing that the end justifies the means.
As you read through the pages of this paper, you’ll see examples of all of the above. Understandably, you’ll be confused.
Which is why I have decided to try my best to offer you an honest, unbiased opinion about the tough decision we must make on Tuesday. (Hopefully, free from the confusion.)
First, let me clarify my position. I am NOT involved in any campaign -- neither for nor against the referendum. I have many, many close friends working both for and against the bond referendum. In the past, I have generally opposed bond issues, usually out of distrust for the school administrations at the time. Also, like the majority of the residents of this area, I am a fiscally-conservative Republican, and am therefore inclined to always want taxes as low a possible.
This time, however, I will be voting “YES”.
And there is a very simple reason I will vote yes: We need the schools.
As a newspaper publisher, I’m forced to keep up with the growth in our community. But even if I was not in the newspaper business, I could tell that our growth rate is staggering. All I have to do is ride around. Thousands of new homes have sprung up in recent years. We are one of the fastest growing areas in the Southeast.
We need more schools.
If I were trying to defeat the referendum, I could easily provide statistics that seem to demonstrate that we don’t really need new schools. And I could probably make you believe it… unless you opened your eyes, looked around, and used your common sense.
I could also pick apart the proposed plans for our schools, and find some part of those plans I personally don’t like. I could probably use that to incite you to vote against the entire thing. But that would be like deciding to oppose a strong military for our nation just because you think we pay too much for spare parts for tanks.
We’re a fast growing community, and we need new schools.
If I was trying to defeat the referendum, I would try to confuse voters by raising so many questions, some voters would simply say: “I’m not really sure, so I’d better vote no.” Confusion is a tried and true political tactic.
Frankly, all political issues seem complicated these days. Can we ever really know for sure about any issue?
That’s why we have a rather unique system of government in America. We elect our neighbors to study complicated issues to make tough decisions for us. And that’s where we in District Five are very fortunate: We have a school board which thinks like we do.
Although school board is a non-partisan position, the majority of our board has made no secret about the fact that they are solidly conservative Republicans… just like me… and just like the vast majority of the citizens of Irmo, Dutch Fork and Chapin. From the very beginning, they joined the school board for one key reason: to watch out for the taxpayers. For the last three years, that majority has worked diligently to make sure we were getting the best value possible for our tax dollars.
If our tight-fisted, fiscally-conservative school board majority tells us that we MUST build new schools, then we must. They have NOT been taken in by distortions and confusion. They know the truth about our growth, and our needs, and the millions of dollars which will be wasted if we delay the schools we need.
Like me, some of those conservative, Republican board members voted “No” on the last bond referendum, because they were not convinced. This time, however, we understand we must vote “Yes”… not just for our schools, but for our entire community.
It’s a tough decision… especially for those of us who are conservative Republicans accustomed to voting “no”. Voting "yes" is a tough decision.
But this time, it’s the right decision.
As a result, the pages of this newspaper are full of letters, articles and advertisements trying to persuade readers to vote for or against the bond referendum.
It is the policy of this newspaper to try to allow all sides of issues to be presented through letters to the editor, which we always try to publish… whether we agree with the position or not. We believe that’s the proper role of a community newspaper. (In some cases, advocates or opponents of an issue feel strongly enough about it to purchase additional advertising space to make their case.)
Invariably, several things happen.
First, there are usually more letters for one side of an issue than the other, which sometimes leads readers to believe the newspaper supports the side with the most letters. That’s not the case: we just happen to get more letters from one side than the other, and we try to print them all, space permitting. (That’s why many people believe this newspaper has opposed all past bond referenda.)
Second, there are usually many letters written by key supporters or opponents, but signed by other names. This is done to create the appearance of widespread support or opposition to the issue. We know it happens in our newspaper, just as in every other newspaper. We don’t try to police it, because the signer of the letter always consents to have his or her name used in this way.
Third, many of the letters contain statements or statistics which are designed to confuse, mislead, or distort. If you’re shocked, don’t be. That’s the nature of campaigns: well-meaning people trying to win a majority of the votes… invariably believing that the end justifies the means.
As you read through the pages of this paper, you’ll see examples of all of the above. Understandably, you’ll be confused.
Which is why I have decided to try my best to offer you an honest, unbiased opinion about the tough decision we must make on Tuesday. (Hopefully, free from the confusion.)
First, let me clarify my position. I am NOT involved in any campaign -- neither for nor against the referendum. I have many, many close friends working both for and against the bond referendum. In the past, I have generally opposed bond issues, usually out of distrust for the school administrations at the time. Also, like the majority of the residents of this area, I am a fiscally-conservative Republican, and am therefore inclined to always want taxes as low a possible.
This time, however, I will be voting “YES”.
And there is a very simple reason I will vote yes: We need the schools.
As a newspaper publisher, I’m forced to keep up with the growth in our community. But even if I was not in the newspaper business, I could tell that our growth rate is staggering. All I have to do is ride around. Thousands of new homes have sprung up in recent years. We are one of the fastest growing areas in the Southeast.
We need more schools.
If I were trying to defeat the referendum, I could easily provide statistics that seem to demonstrate that we don’t really need new schools. And I could probably make you believe it… unless you opened your eyes, looked around, and used your common sense.
I could also pick apart the proposed plans for our schools, and find some part of those plans I personally don’t like. I could probably use that to incite you to vote against the entire thing. But that would be like deciding to oppose a strong military for our nation just because you think we pay too much for spare parts for tanks.
We’re a fast growing community, and we need new schools.
If I was trying to defeat the referendum, I would try to confuse voters by raising so many questions, some voters would simply say: “I’m not really sure, so I’d better vote no.” Confusion is a tried and true political tactic.
Frankly, all political issues seem complicated these days. Can we ever really know for sure about any issue?
That’s why we have a rather unique system of government in America. We elect our neighbors to study complicated issues to make tough decisions for us. And that’s where we in District Five are very fortunate: We have a school board which thinks like we do.
Although school board is a non-partisan position, the majority of our board has made no secret about the fact that they are solidly conservative Republicans… just like me… and just like the vast majority of the citizens of Irmo, Dutch Fork and Chapin. From the very beginning, they joined the school board for one key reason: to watch out for the taxpayers. For the last three years, that majority has worked diligently to make sure we were getting the best value possible for our tax dollars.
If our tight-fisted, fiscally-conservative school board majority tells us that we MUST build new schools, then we must. They have NOT been taken in by distortions and confusion. They know the truth about our growth, and our needs, and the millions of dollars which will be wasted if we delay the schools we need.
Like me, some of those conservative, Republican board members voted “No” on the last bond referendum, because they were not convinced. This time, however, we understand we must vote “Yes”… not just for our schools, but for our entire community.
It’s a tough decision… especially for those of us who are conservative Republicans accustomed to voting “no”. Voting "yes" is a tough decision.
But this time, it’s the right decision.
Fall Back…. Laughing!
This weekend marks the end of another installment of America’s longest running practical joke.
The joke is so wildly successful, we’ve even given it a name. We call it “Daylight Savings Time”.
Not by accident, the joke has begun each spring… shortly after “April Fools Day”. What classic timing! Every comedian will tell you that timing is one of the key elements of successfully delivering any joke. I’ve always felt that the timing of the “Daylight Savings Time” April Fools gag is sheer genius. (It would be far too obvious if the annual escapade began each year ON April 1st. Hold it a week or two… just to catch all of us off guard. Brilliant comedic timing.)
It’s a hoot every year to observe the mischief caused by this prank. For days after the stunt, folks are showing up late for work, late for school, missing their bus, and rushing about trying to adjust. Some clocks go for months showing the displaying the wrong time. And then, when somebody takes the time to reset them, invariably a few of them get cranked in the wrong direction. Two hours off!!! What a great hoax!
Starting this year, we’ve added some new wrinkles to the classic gag. Now, we’re actually starting Daylight Savings Time three weeks early – before April Fools Day – and ending one week later each year. This year, the prank ends the first weekend in November – which happens to be this weekend!
But, next year, the end of DST moves a week later, and then even a week later the following year. Now, they’ve made the practical joke confusing to everyone. Sooner or later, we’ll all fall for it.
Here is my favorite part of the whole joke: It has been passed into law by 50 state legislatures and by Congress – not even realizing it’s a great big giant April Fools Joke. They think it’s a real law!!! They probably even list it among their major end-of-the-year legislative achievements!
April Fools!!!
Next week, after we all Fall Back at 2am/3am on Sunday morning, witless victims will be showing up early for their breakfast, their work, their classes, and even their dentist appointments for days to come.
And, of course, farmers across the land will also be spending the entire weekend -- and possibly the first few days of next week -- adjusting the schedules of their cows and chickens.
The joke is so wildly successful, we’ve even given it a name. We call it “Daylight Savings Time”.
Not by accident, the joke has begun each spring… shortly after “April Fools Day”. What classic timing! Every comedian will tell you that timing is one of the key elements of successfully delivering any joke. I’ve always felt that the timing of the “Daylight Savings Time” April Fools gag is sheer genius. (It would be far too obvious if the annual escapade began each year ON April 1st. Hold it a week or two… just to catch all of us off guard. Brilliant comedic timing.)
It’s a hoot every year to observe the mischief caused by this prank. For days after the stunt, folks are showing up late for work, late for school, missing their bus, and rushing about trying to adjust. Some clocks go for months showing the displaying the wrong time. And then, when somebody takes the time to reset them, invariably a few of them get cranked in the wrong direction. Two hours off!!! What a great hoax!
Starting this year, we’ve added some new wrinkles to the classic gag. Now, we’re actually starting Daylight Savings Time three weeks early – before April Fools Day – and ending one week later each year. This year, the prank ends the first weekend in November – which happens to be this weekend!
But, next year, the end of DST moves a week later, and then even a week later the following year. Now, they’ve made the practical joke confusing to everyone. Sooner or later, we’ll all fall for it.
Here is my favorite part of the whole joke: It has been passed into law by 50 state legislatures and by Congress – not even realizing it’s a great big giant April Fools Joke. They think it’s a real law!!! They probably even list it among their major end-of-the-year legislative achievements!
April Fools!!!
Next week, after we all Fall Back at 2am/3am on Sunday morning, witless victims will be showing up early for their breakfast, their work, their classes, and even their dentist appointments for days to come.
And, of course, farmers across the land will also be spending the entire weekend -- and possibly the first few days of next week -- adjusting the schedules of their cows and chickens.
Monday, October 15, 2007
You Heard It Here First!
Each week I sit down at my computer and write about whatever suits my fancy on that particular day. Some days, it seems, nothing particular suits my fancy. On those days I write about… well, actually… nothing! I just sit down at the keyboard, and whatever comes out, comes out. It’s a column about nothing… sorta like the Seinfeld TV show used to be. Actually, it has been pointed out that those “nothing” weeks outnumber my “something” weeks about 10 to 1. Ten weeks of nothing, then one week of something.
This, however, happens to be one of the something weeks (if you count politics as something.) I have something to write about, and here it is:
I believe our Governor, Mark Sanford, may well be the next Vice President of the United States.
I should quickly point out that, even on the weeks like this when I write about “something”, it’s typically just my personal opinion… which is the handy thing about publishing your own newspapers. You can write whatever you want. (Publisher’s note: Since we know a lot of people who do NOT own newspapers, we let them write about their opinions, also. It’s called a Letter to the Editor, and anyone can write one about anything at any time… and we’ll print it!)
But I digress. Back to this week’s topic: Vice President Sanford.
Now, it’s no secret that, in addition to publishing a handful of small weekly newspapers, I also dabble in politics (which I regularly try to disclaim so as to avoid conflicts of interest.) So I get to hear a lot of the “inside story” from time to time. My conjecture that Sanford will be the next VP, however, is not based on inside info, but purely on my political instincts, and the various published reports I’ve read. Here’s how it goes:
First, let’s look at the likely GOP nominee for President. Former NYC Mayor Rudy Giuliani is the current front-runner, and frankly, should emerge as the winner, because the whole point of the 2008 Presidential Election should be to choose the person best able to lead America through the next eight years of our long-term battle against terrorism. Rudy is the candidate who seems to have “proven” himself on this front, with his handling of his city post-9/11.
If any Republican can beat Rudy, it may be Gov. Mitt Romney of Massachusetts. Why Romney? Simple: MONEY. He has lots of it, and can afford to pay to get his message to the voters with TV ads.
If either Romney of Massachusetts or Giuliani of New York becomes the nominee, they’ll be looking for a Southerner to put on the slate to “balance” the ticket. They’ll be looking for a running-mate with solid conservative credentials. And they’ll be looking for someone who is NOT in Congress, because the approval rating of Congress is currently at an all-time low. That pretty much leaves southern Republican Governors to choose from.
Of the handful of southern Republican governors – seven to be exact -- they’ll end up with Sanford.
First, he’s an economic conservative, more than a social conservative, which means he would not be in conflict with his running mate. (They’ll be looking for economic, rather than social, conservatism. The Republican base vote – the religious right – which they’ll need to be highly energized for the November election, will already be extremely motivated to “Stop Hillary”. So, there’s no need to put a social conservative on the ticket.) Second, he’s safe: no major scandals in his background (the product of a silver-spoon lifetime)… although the minor controversies will come out if he becomes the nominee. And third, he’s a FORMER member of Congress, which neither Romney nor Giuliani have on their resume. Voters want either their Prez or VP to have a little bit of congressional experience.
But reasons number four and five are the real clinchers.
Fourth is this: The VP nominee needs to be a southerner to help deliver the Southern states to the Red column in November. Any southern state will suffice. The most important “swing” southern state, however, is Florida... as we all know from the 2000 election. And as soon as he gets the VP nomination, Sanford can start claiming his home state of Florida again. Florida is one of the states around which national campaigns must build their strategy. Sanford can help deliver it to the GOP.
And reason number five: The South Carolina Primary!!! Our state’s early primary has a history of choosing the eventual GOP nominee. Every time since our first Republican Presidential Primary in 1980, the winner in the Palmetto State has gone on to become the nominee, because of the enormous momentum gained from winning only three days before other, bigger primaries. Winning South Carolina is the key to winning the nomination… even more so for a couple of Yankees like Romney and Giuliani.
For Rudy, winning South Carolina would stun the world and virtually guarantee smooth sailing the rest of the way.
Sanford, enormously popular among most of the Republican faithful (who love his non-stop bickering with the legislature, oblivious to the fact that his eight years of failure to cooperate is leaving our state exactly where it was when he took over: the status quo guaranteed by his unwillingness to sacrifice his own anti-establishment persona for the sake of accomplishing anything) is in a unique position to deliver a win to either Romney or Giuliani. With several viable candidates – McCain, Thompson, Huckabee and the two Northerners – none of whom have yet “pulled away from the pack”, Sanford’s endorsement in the weeks before our primary could probably deliver a win to either candidate. That is likely why Sanford is carefully courting each of the candidates, but focusing on Romney and Giuliani, the two who might need him on the ticket. Of late, he’s focusing on Giuliani, believing him to be the likely nominee, and the most likely to choose him as Veep.
My guess: Watch for Sanford to endorse Giuliani, and help him become the nominee, for which Giuliani would logically add him to the Number Two slot. (No, I’m not suggesting they would make a deal… more of an understanding.)
Of course, the hard part would be in November, 2008, when Giuliani would be called upon to defeat Hillary Clinton in order for Sanford to actually become the Vice President.
There you have it. Vice President Sanford. And you heard it here first.
The rest of the story, of course, is that our long-time friend, Lt. Governor Andre Bauer, would suddenly become Governor Andre Bauer.
And we’ll write about that another time.
This, however, happens to be one of the something weeks (if you count politics as something.) I have something to write about, and here it is:
I believe our Governor, Mark Sanford, may well be the next Vice President of the United States.
I should quickly point out that, even on the weeks like this when I write about “something”, it’s typically just my personal opinion… which is the handy thing about publishing your own newspapers. You can write whatever you want. (Publisher’s note: Since we know a lot of people who do NOT own newspapers, we let them write about their opinions, also. It’s called a Letter to the Editor, and anyone can write one about anything at any time… and we’ll print it!)
But I digress. Back to this week’s topic: Vice President Sanford.
Now, it’s no secret that, in addition to publishing a handful of small weekly newspapers, I also dabble in politics (which I regularly try to disclaim so as to avoid conflicts of interest.) So I get to hear a lot of the “inside story” from time to time. My conjecture that Sanford will be the next VP, however, is not based on inside info, but purely on my political instincts, and the various published reports I’ve read. Here’s how it goes:
First, let’s look at the likely GOP nominee for President. Former NYC Mayor Rudy Giuliani is the current front-runner, and frankly, should emerge as the winner, because the whole point of the 2008 Presidential Election should be to choose the person best able to lead America through the next eight years of our long-term battle against terrorism. Rudy is the candidate who seems to have “proven” himself on this front, with his handling of his city post-9/11.
If any Republican can beat Rudy, it may be Gov. Mitt Romney of Massachusetts. Why Romney? Simple: MONEY. He has lots of it, and can afford to pay to get his message to the voters with TV ads.
If either Romney of Massachusetts or Giuliani of New York becomes the nominee, they’ll be looking for a Southerner to put on the slate to “balance” the ticket. They’ll be looking for a running-mate with solid conservative credentials. And they’ll be looking for someone who is NOT in Congress, because the approval rating of Congress is currently at an all-time low. That pretty much leaves southern Republican Governors to choose from.
Of the handful of southern Republican governors – seven to be exact -- they’ll end up with Sanford.
First, he’s an economic conservative, more than a social conservative, which means he would not be in conflict with his running mate. (They’ll be looking for economic, rather than social, conservatism. The Republican base vote – the religious right – which they’ll need to be highly energized for the November election, will already be extremely motivated to “Stop Hillary”. So, there’s no need to put a social conservative on the ticket.) Second, he’s safe: no major scandals in his background (the product of a silver-spoon lifetime)… although the minor controversies will come out if he becomes the nominee. And third, he’s a FORMER member of Congress, which neither Romney nor Giuliani have on their resume. Voters want either their Prez or VP to have a little bit of congressional experience.
But reasons number four and five are the real clinchers.
Fourth is this: The VP nominee needs to be a southerner to help deliver the Southern states to the Red column in November. Any southern state will suffice. The most important “swing” southern state, however, is Florida... as we all know from the 2000 election. And as soon as he gets the VP nomination, Sanford can start claiming his home state of Florida again. Florida is one of the states around which national campaigns must build their strategy. Sanford can help deliver it to the GOP.
And reason number five: The South Carolina Primary!!! Our state’s early primary has a history of choosing the eventual GOP nominee. Every time since our first Republican Presidential Primary in 1980, the winner in the Palmetto State has gone on to become the nominee, because of the enormous momentum gained from winning only three days before other, bigger primaries. Winning South Carolina is the key to winning the nomination… even more so for a couple of Yankees like Romney and Giuliani.
For Rudy, winning South Carolina would stun the world and virtually guarantee smooth sailing the rest of the way.
Sanford, enormously popular among most of the Republican faithful (who love his non-stop bickering with the legislature, oblivious to the fact that his eight years of failure to cooperate is leaving our state exactly where it was when he took over: the status quo guaranteed by his unwillingness to sacrifice his own anti-establishment persona for the sake of accomplishing anything) is in a unique position to deliver a win to either Romney or Giuliani. With several viable candidates – McCain, Thompson, Huckabee and the two Northerners – none of whom have yet “pulled away from the pack”, Sanford’s endorsement in the weeks before our primary could probably deliver a win to either candidate. That is likely why Sanford is carefully courting each of the candidates, but focusing on Romney and Giuliani, the two who might need him on the ticket. Of late, he’s focusing on Giuliani, believing him to be the likely nominee, and the most likely to choose him as Veep.
My guess: Watch for Sanford to endorse Giuliani, and help him become the nominee, for which Giuliani would logically add him to the Number Two slot. (No, I’m not suggesting they would make a deal… more of an understanding.)
Of course, the hard part would be in November, 2008, when Giuliani would be called upon to defeat Hillary Clinton in order for Sanford to actually become the Vice President.
There you have it. Vice President Sanford. And you heard it here first.
The rest of the story, of course, is that our long-time friend, Lt. Governor Andre Bauer, would suddenly become Governor Andre Bauer.
And we’ll write about that another time.
Spring Cleaning in the Fall
It’s time once again for my semi-annual Spring Cleaning. One of my twice-yearly cleanings occurs in the Spring, and the other one, awkwardly, occurs in the Fall. Unless, of course, I forget one (or both).
For me, “Spring Cleaning” AND “Spring Cleaning in the Fall” are both comprised of the same activity: emptying my pockets, glove compartments, desk drawers, and assorted boxes, to find the little scraps of paper on which I have scribbled notes about ideas for future columns.
Most of those ideas don’t ever make it into my weekly column, primarily because I never see the scraps of paper again… until Spring Cleaning. By this time, the moment has usually long-since passed. Whatever inspired thought I had at the time has faded into oblivion.
Additionally, I suffer from ADHD: Attention Deficit Handwriting Disorder. I frequently lose interest in mid-sentence… occasionally in the middle of a word… and sometimes even in the middle of a letter!!! (You may think that’s impossible, but trust me… it’s not! Say for instance, you’re trying to write “Aren’t you witty?”, but lose interest before getting back to cross the “T”s. Now you’ve written “Aren’t you willy?”, which is totally different than what was intended, and makes it pretty near impossible to recall what the subject was on which I had once intended penning a column!!!)
So, between not being able to read my own handwriting, and not being able to recall exactly why I scribbled the word “banana” on a napkin, very few of my most inspired thoughts ever make it to my keyboard.
Out of the few sniplets which remain, however, I usually am able to string together some of these leftover thoughts into a “Spring Cleaning” column… or in this instance, “Spring Cleaning in the Fall”: a collection of random thoughts from the last few months, or perhaps, last few years. So here goes…
-- I can’t remember names…. but I’m no longer embarrassed about it. I’m old! Absent-mindedness is not such a bad thing, after all, now that I have a good excuse.
-- Many years ago, the comic strip character Pogo, said: “We are faced with insurmountable opportunities.” It was true. We were. And, we still are.
-- In the ninth grade in high school, I had to choose between taking Latin or Typing. All the college-bound kids were encouraged to take Latin. I just couldn’t see how that was going to do much for me, so I opted for Typing. As it turns out, I once knew how to make good decisions…. apparently in the ninth grade. Typing has come in very handy for me, like right now for instance. Had I chosen to other option, you would now be reading a column written out in long-hand… in Latin.
-- Do you get tired of being put on “hold” for what seems like hours at a time whenever you call a toll-free “customer service” number? I do. We have no choice but to wait, because it’s usually the only way to resolve our problem. But here’s an idea I came up with: After you conclude your important business, but before you relinquish the call, put THEM on hold for a change! When they ask, “Can I help you with anything else today, Mr. Turnipgreen?”, you reply, “Yes, can I put you on hold for one moment, please?”… then proceed to the kitchen to make yourself a sandwich, read your mail, and wash your car before returning to the phone. It will make you feel much better.
-- If I ever appear to be staring at you sort of sideways, there’s a very good reason: I wear contact. Not contacts… contact. Only one of them. I’m supposed to wear both of them, but when I do, I can’t read small print. Wearing one contact works well for me, except occasionally I appear to be staring at people a little sideways. (Also, I sometimes don’t recognize people… which is okay, because I probably can’t remember their names, anyway.)
-- At my house, exercise machines make good clothes racks. Especially the stationary bicycle.
-- I hope you’ll patronize our advertisers. I really do. I don’t say it often enough, but this newspaper could not exist without the support of the business which advertise on these pages, and our community would not be as strong as it is without a community newspaper of its own. So I hope you’ll remember to do business with those businesses who support us with their advertising dollars… and maybe even tell them thanks for doing their part to keep the community strong.
That’s it for this year’s version of “Spring Cleaning in the Fall”. Now I can throw away the scraps I used. (I’m still hanging on to the illegible ones, clinging to the possibility that some day they’ll make sense to me again.)
See you next week.
For me, “Spring Cleaning” AND “Spring Cleaning in the Fall” are both comprised of the same activity: emptying my pockets, glove compartments, desk drawers, and assorted boxes, to find the little scraps of paper on which I have scribbled notes about ideas for future columns.
Most of those ideas don’t ever make it into my weekly column, primarily because I never see the scraps of paper again… until Spring Cleaning. By this time, the moment has usually long-since passed. Whatever inspired thought I had at the time has faded into oblivion.
Additionally, I suffer from ADHD: Attention Deficit Handwriting Disorder. I frequently lose interest in mid-sentence… occasionally in the middle of a word… and sometimes even in the middle of a letter!!! (You may think that’s impossible, but trust me… it’s not! Say for instance, you’re trying to write “Aren’t you witty?”, but lose interest before getting back to cross the “T”s. Now you’ve written “Aren’t you willy?”, which is totally different than what was intended, and makes it pretty near impossible to recall what the subject was on which I had once intended penning a column!!!)
So, between not being able to read my own handwriting, and not being able to recall exactly why I scribbled the word “banana” on a napkin, very few of my most inspired thoughts ever make it to my keyboard.
Out of the few sniplets which remain, however, I usually am able to string together some of these leftover thoughts into a “Spring Cleaning” column… or in this instance, “Spring Cleaning in the Fall”: a collection of random thoughts from the last few months, or perhaps, last few years. So here goes…
-- I can’t remember names…. but I’m no longer embarrassed about it. I’m old! Absent-mindedness is not such a bad thing, after all, now that I have a good excuse.
-- Many years ago, the comic strip character Pogo, said: “We are faced with insurmountable opportunities.” It was true. We were. And, we still are.
-- In the ninth grade in high school, I had to choose between taking Latin or Typing. All the college-bound kids were encouraged to take Latin. I just couldn’t see how that was going to do much for me, so I opted for Typing. As it turns out, I once knew how to make good decisions…. apparently in the ninth grade. Typing has come in very handy for me, like right now for instance. Had I chosen to other option, you would now be reading a column written out in long-hand… in Latin.
-- Do you get tired of being put on “hold” for what seems like hours at a time whenever you call a toll-free “customer service” number? I do. We have no choice but to wait, because it’s usually the only way to resolve our problem. But here’s an idea I came up with: After you conclude your important business, but before you relinquish the call, put THEM on hold for a change! When they ask, “Can I help you with anything else today, Mr. Turnipgreen?”, you reply, “Yes, can I put you on hold for one moment, please?”… then proceed to the kitchen to make yourself a sandwich, read your mail, and wash your car before returning to the phone. It will make you feel much better.
-- If I ever appear to be staring at you sort of sideways, there’s a very good reason: I wear contact. Not contacts… contact. Only one of them. I’m supposed to wear both of them, but when I do, I can’t read small print. Wearing one contact works well for me, except occasionally I appear to be staring at people a little sideways. (Also, I sometimes don’t recognize people… which is okay, because I probably can’t remember their names, anyway.)
-- At my house, exercise machines make good clothes racks. Especially the stationary bicycle.
-- I hope you’ll patronize our advertisers. I really do. I don’t say it often enough, but this newspaper could not exist without the support of the business which advertise on these pages, and our community would not be as strong as it is without a community newspaper of its own. So I hope you’ll remember to do business with those businesses who support us with their advertising dollars… and maybe even tell them thanks for doing their part to keep the community strong.
That’s it for this year’s version of “Spring Cleaning in the Fall”. Now I can throw away the scraps I used. (I’m still hanging on to the illegible ones, clinging to the possibility that some day they’ll make sense to me again.)
See you next week.
Saturday, October 6, 2007
The Return of the Duck
The Return of the Duck
I know this is hard for you to believe, but Yours Truly, Your Publisher is now in his 19th year of publishing newspapers.
“How can this be?” you are undoubtedly asking yourself, marveling that Rod-Boy must have begun publishing at the tender age of, say, ten years old. “Certainly,” you are thinking, “he couldn’t be much older than that, could he?”
But alas, it’s true. Yes, your publisher is slightly over 30 years old.
Back in 1989, there was only one newspaper, and Yours Truly was not only the publisher, but also did most of the writing, editing, designing, advertising, filing, bottle-washing, and floor-sweeping. (But NOT the headline proofing or speell-checcking! No one did.… a tradition that continues to this very day!)
A few days ago, while I was glancing through a copy of our little gazette from October, 1989, I came across some of my earlier writings. Back then, it seems, I personally penned so much of the weekly newspaper, that I took to writing some of my columns under pen-names. One such pseudonym was “Dr. Red Duck”.
Dr. Red Duck wrote a weekly column for a year or so, under the heading: “Dr. Red Duck: Weather Forecasts, Medical Advice, and Waterfowl Commentary”.
And, since it’s now again October, albeit 18 years later, and the State Fair is approaching, I thought I’d share a little vintage nom-de-plume newspaper writing with you… if only to make you appreciate my current colums a little more, from an “it-could-be-worse” point of view.
From October, 1989, I’m pleased to present the Return of Dr. Red Duck with a segment from his weekly advice column entitled “It Just Ain’t Fair”:
It's that time of year again. Time for the fair. But actually, it should be called the UNFAIR because it is unfair to ducks.
How is a duck supposed to enjoy such an unfair event? Is there no justice in the world? First there are those ridiculous rides. How is a duck supposed to ride on of those horses on the merry-go-around? And what about the rides that go round and round and round and round and round... I get dizzy just thinking about it!
And then there's the Midway. The most crowded mass of humanity imaginable. Quite unpleasant if you are an 18" tall duck.
And fair gunk! How would you like it if you had half-eaten candy apples, partially dissolved cotton candy, grilled onions, egg roll innards, polish sausage, pepperoni pizza with extra cheese, ice cream, hot dogs, and all other kinds of sticky goo oozing between your webbed feet - not to mention the latest horror - chocolate covered elephant ears! It's disgusting!
And how about the poultry judging? What a disgrace! Beauty pageants for people are nothing compared to this pathetic parade of pompous poultry. So much as a feather out of placeand its everything but your head ona silver platter.
Of course, there are a few things that are average and acceptable. Alright, I'll say it…a few things are FAIR.
The best, of course, is picking up ducks. Many fairgoers enjoy the game of "picking up ducks". But as a duck, it's more than just a game!
And I'll have to admit the poultry pageant had some pretty cute chicks. One really cute chick has a great pair of drumsticks – mama-mia!!!
The flower exhibit is also great. Great, that is, if you like to eat flowers. Begonias, daisies, petunias, rhododendrons, roses, sunflowers, poppies... it's pure t-heaven!
And finally there are the sideshows. The Amazon Duck Women -- you gotta see them!
My advice for the week: When you go to the fair watch your step. If you're a duck you might step in some fair gunk; if you're a person you might step on a duck!
I'm Dr. Red Duck
I know this is hard for you to believe, but Yours Truly, Your Publisher is now in his 19th year of publishing newspapers.
“How can this be?” you are undoubtedly asking yourself, marveling that Rod-Boy must have begun publishing at the tender age of, say, ten years old. “Certainly,” you are thinking, “he couldn’t be much older than that, could he?”
But alas, it’s true. Yes, your publisher is slightly over 30 years old.
Back in 1989, there was only one newspaper, and Yours Truly was not only the publisher, but also did most of the writing, editing, designing, advertising, filing, bottle-washing, and floor-sweeping. (But NOT the headline proofing or speell-checcking! No one did.… a tradition that continues to this very day!)
A few days ago, while I was glancing through a copy of our little gazette from October, 1989, I came across some of my earlier writings. Back then, it seems, I personally penned so much of the weekly newspaper, that I took to writing some of my columns under pen-names. One such pseudonym was “Dr. Red Duck”.
Dr. Red Duck wrote a weekly column for a year or so, under the heading: “Dr. Red Duck: Weather Forecasts, Medical Advice, and Waterfowl Commentary”.
And, since it’s now again October, albeit 18 years later, and the State Fair is approaching, I thought I’d share a little vintage nom-de-plume newspaper writing with you… if only to make you appreciate my current colums a little more, from an “it-could-be-worse” point of view.
From October, 1989, I’m pleased to present the Return of Dr. Red Duck with a segment from his weekly advice column entitled “It Just Ain’t Fair”:
It's that time of year again. Time for the fair. But actually, it should be called the UNFAIR because it is unfair to ducks.
How is a duck supposed to enjoy such an unfair event? Is there no justice in the world? First there are those ridiculous rides. How is a duck supposed to ride on of those horses on the merry-go-around? And what about the rides that go round and round and round and round and round... I get dizzy just thinking about it!
And then there's the Midway. The most crowded mass of humanity imaginable. Quite unpleasant if you are an 18" tall duck.
And fair gunk! How would you like it if you had half-eaten candy apples, partially dissolved cotton candy, grilled onions, egg roll innards, polish sausage, pepperoni pizza with extra cheese, ice cream, hot dogs, and all other kinds of sticky goo oozing between your webbed feet - not to mention the latest horror - chocolate covered elephant ears! It's disgusting!
And how about the poultry judging? What a disgrace! Beauty pageants for people are nothing compared to this pathetic parade of pompous poultry. So much as a feather out of placeand its everything but your head ona silver platter.
Of course, there are a few things that are average and acceptable. Alright, I'll say it…a few things are FAIR.
The best, of course, is picking up ducks. Many fairgoers enjoy the game of "picking up ducks". But as a duck, it's more than just a game!
And I'll have to admit the poultry pageant had some pretty cute chicks. One really cute chick has a great pair of drumsticks – mama-mia!!!
The flower exhibit is also great. Great, that is, if you like to eat flowers. Begonias, daisies, petunias, rhododendrons, roses, sunflowers, poppies... it's pure t-heaven!
And finally there are the sideshows. The Amazon Duck Women -- you gotta see them!
My advice for the week: When you go to the fair watch your step. If you're a duck you might step in some fair gunk; if you're a person you might step on a duck!
I'm Dr. Red Duck
Friday, September 28, 2007
A Game of Inches
New Orleans was not kind to me last weekend.
I traveled to the Bayou State with a planeload of Gamecock fans for the USC versus LSU football game.
I only really asked for two things out of my trip: 1) A South Carolina upset victory over the Tigers; and 2) to stay on my diet.
I was sorely disappointed on both counts!
At least the Gamecocks kept it respectable. They didn’t get blown off the field by the #2 rated team the way all previous opponents had. The LSU squad even resorted to trickery during the game… an indisputable sign of respect.
I know this because I had a great view of the game from a very soft couch in front of a TV in a fancy Bourbon Street hotel… 100 miles from the stadium in Baton Rouge!!!
Yes, I traveled on a football junket to New Orleans, and then opted to watch the game on television. I’m old. I’m tired. I’m worn out. I survived the airplane trip, but 100 mile bus trip seemed like a bad idea, because The Weather Channel showed green blobs heading in that direction.
So I stayed in downtown New Orleans, the home of Cajun Cooking and Southern Gourmet, to test my diet willpower versus the Many Tempting Good Things to Eat.
I lost. The Many Tempting Good Things to Eat won.
Here I am, approaching the halfway point of the Great Weigh-Loss Contest of 2007, and I GAINED two pounds over the weekend. Oops.
But, perhaps it’s just as well, because about half of the other contestants are missing in action.
For the last few weeks, you’ve possibly been following this little weight-loss contest in which I am participating.
Six weeks ago, sixteen Substantially Sized Somebodies joined me in a wager to see which of us could lose the most weight in a three month period. We each chipped $100 buck into the pot, and the Biggest Loser(s) will become the Big Winner at the end of the contest.
Back on August 14th, when the whole Gang of Gargantuan Guys was gobbling a last meal at the Sunset Restaurant prior to the initial weigh-in, we decided we would meet approximately each month for an unofficial weigh-in and progress report.
(Incidentally, if you’d like to see a video clip of that Famous Last Meal, you can see it at: www.doingthefirst.blogspot.com )
Now, however, it seems most of those contestants don’t want to show their faces, undoubtedly utterly ashamed of their own dismal failures as dieters. Therefore, we have no choice but to publish the ESTIMATED weights of the contestants as we approach the halfway points.
Here, then, are the contestants, with their official starting weights, and my best guess at their current weights after six weeks of competition:
Irmo Town Councilman Barry "Fatback" Walker -- starting weight 331; estimated current weight 321;
Hizzoner Brian Jeffcoat -- starting weight 316; estimated current weight 302;
Lexington Town Councilman Danny Frazier -- starting weight 312; estimated current weight 312;
Senator Jake Knotts -- starting weight 302; estimated current weight 282;
Stan "The Man" Bowen -- starting weight 292; estimated current weight 282;
Transportation Pro Gerald Head -- starting weight 285; estimated current weight 270;
ETV’s Andy Gobeil -- starting weight 279; estimated current weight 270;
GOP Heavyweight Scott Malyerck -- starting weight 273; estimated current weight 274;
Design Guru Douglas Adam -- starting weight 264; estimated current weight 244;
Econobug’s Ricky “Rubi” Wingard -- starting weight 263; estimated current weight 248;
Yours Truly, The Publisher -- starting weight 245; estimated current weight 227;
Insurance Veteran Terry Campbell -- starting weight 237; estimated current weight 235;
Former Secretary of State Jim Miles -- starting weight 235; estimated current weight 225;
Reigning Champ and Okra Strut Chm. Kirk Luther -- starting weight 234; estimated current weight 214;
Anonymous A. L. Wingard -- starting weight 225; estimated current weight 215;
Retired Humor Writer Tim Kelly -- starting weight 225; estimated current weight 224.5;
R.J. Shealy (that’s Rod, Jr.) -- starting weight 210; estimated current weight 205.
As you can see, in weigh loss competitions, as in football, anything can happen. It’s a game of inches, and it’s not over til its over. It’s halftime, but a lot can still happen. The fourth quarter will tell us a lot.
So stay tuned for the Upset of the Century. We’ll be right here to bring you all the action.
I traveled to the Bayou State with a planeload of Gamecock fans for the USC versus LSU football game.
I only really asked for two things out of my trip: 1) A South Carolina upset victory over the Tigers; and 2) to stay on my diet.
I was sorely disappointed on both counts!
At least the Gamecocks kept it respectable. They didn’t get blown off the field by the #2 rated team the way all previous opponents had. The LSU squad even resorted to trickery during the game… an indisputable sign of respect.
I know this because I had a great view of the game from a very soft couch in front of a TV in a fancy Bourbon Street hotel… 100 miles from the stadium in Baton Rouge!!!
Yes, I traveled on a football junket to New Orleans, and then opted to watch the game on television. I’m old. I’m tired. I’m worn out. I survived the airplane trip, but 100 mile bus trip seemed like a bad idea, because The Weather Channel showed green blobs heading in that direction.
So I stayed in downtown New Orleans, the home of Cajun Cooking and Southern Gourmet, to test my diet willpower versus the Many Tempting Good Things to Eat.
I lost. The Many Tempting Good Things to Eat won.
Here I am, approaching the halfway point of the Great Weigh-Loss Contest of 2007, and I GAINED two pounds over the weekend. Oops.
But, perhaps it’s just as well, because about half of the other contestants are missing in action.
For the last few weeks, you’ve possibly been following this little weight-loss contest in which I am participating.
Six weeks ago, sixteen Substantially Sized Somebodies joined me in a wager to see which of us could lose the most weight in a three month period. We each chipped $100 buck into the pot, and the Biggest Loser(s) will become the Big Winner at the end of the contest.
Back on August 14th, when the whole Gang of Gargantuan Guys was gobbling a last meal at the Sunset Restaurant prior to the initial weigh-in, we decided we would meet approximately each month for an unofficial weigh-in and progress report.
(Incidentally, if you’d like to see a video clip of that Famous Last Meal, you can see it at: www.doingthefirst.blogspot.com )
Now, however, it seems most of those contestants don’t want to show their faces, undoubtedly utterly ashamed of their own dismal failures as dieters. Therefore, we have no choice but to publish the ESTIMATED weights of the contestants as we approach the halfway points.
Here, then, are the contestants, with their official starting weights, and my best guess at their current weights after six weeks of competition:
Irmo Town Councilman Barry "Fatback" Walker -- starting weight 331; estimated current weight 321;
Hizzoner Brian Jeffcoat -- starting weight 316; estimated current weight 302;
Lexington Town Councilman Danny Frazier -- starting weight 312; estimated current weight 312;
Senator Jake Knotts -- starting weight 302; estimated current weight 282;
Stan "The Man" Bowen -- starting weight 292; estimated current weight 282;
Transportation Pro Gerald Head -- starting weight 285; estimated current weight 270;
ETV’s Andy Gobeil -- starting weight 279; estimated current weight 270;
GOP Heavyweight Scott Malyerck -- starting weight 273; estimated current weight 274;
Design Guru Douglas Adam -- starting weight 264; estimated current weight 244;
Econobug’s Ricky “Rubi” Wingard -- starting weight 263; estimated current weight 248;
Yours Truly, The Publisher -- starting weight 245; estimated current weight 227;
Insurance Veteran Terry Campbell -- starting weight 237; estimated current weight 235;
Former Secretary of State Jim Miles -- starting weight 235; estimated current weight 225;
Reigning Champ and Okra Strut Chm. Kirk Luther -- starting weight 234; estimated current weight 214;
Anonymous A. L. Wingard -- starting weight 225; estimated current weight 215;
Retired Humor Writer Tim Kelly -- starting weight 225; estimated current weight 224.5;
R.J. Shealy (that’s Rod, Jr.) -- starting weight 210; estimated current weight 205.
As you can see, in weigh loss competitions, as in football, anything can happen. It’s a game of inches, and it’s not over til its over. It’s halftime, but a lot can still happen. The fourth quarter will tell us a lot.
So stay tuned for the Upset of the Century. We’ll be right here to bring you all the action.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
I'm for Reagan
Dateline -- September 17, 2007
For the next four months, we in South Carolina are going to be deluged with messages from a lot of people who want to be the next President of the United States.
We’ve already seen them quite a bit, but we’re going to be seeing them even more. The reason is that our state’s Presidential Primary election is considered one of the most important primaries in the nation. Ours is the first primary in the South, and it sets the stage for others, creating enormous “momentum” for the Palmetto State winner.
In fact, since the creation of the SC Republican Primary in 1980, the candidate who won our state has ultimately become the standard-bearer for the Republicans in every single case… and winning South Carolina is considered to be a major catalyst toward that nomination every single time.
The state’s Democrat Primary, established four years ago, is considered equally important in choosing that party’s nominee.
I, myself, have a little history with our primary over the years. I’ve directed a couple of presidential campaigns in our state (neither of which actually resulted in electing a President), and have been peripherally involved with others. And, back in the mid-80’s (back when I was much younger and “involved” in our state’s Republican Party, I was the “Chairman of the Rules Committee”, a position which, in my own mind, was at the same level as, say, Director of the CIA, or the Commissioner of Baseball), I inserted a new rule which created our state’s primary as the permanent fixture it has become.
During the last year, I’ve had very pleasant conversations with most of the GOP candidates or their campaigns, and some have even made generous offers for my “professional assistance”… despite the fact that my track record of electing Presidents is an astounding 0-and-forever.
As it turns out, I like them all, and frankly, haven’t yet decided which one I like best. I HAVE decided, however, that I’m too old to be directing anybody’s presidential campaign, which is a very demanding, time-intensive, all-consuming way to make a buck. Especially when you have to drop everything else and devote six or eight months to it.
Sooner or later, I’ll probably weigh-in on my personal choice, and let you know why I’m doing so. In the meantime, I’m watching and listening, like the rest of the Sandlappers, to try to cut through the political clutter and make my decision as to which of these individuals is the best choice to be the next leader of the free world.
Last week, while going through some old files, I came across a document that might help me make my decision. I’m not sure where I got this, but it’s a list of some of President Ronald Reagan’s most memorable quotes.
For me, these quotes sort of sum up exactly who Reagan was, what he stood for, his sense of humor and ability to communicate, and how he became the greatest president of the generation by restoring a nation which had lost its way to greatness.
I’m going to keep reading these quotes from time to time over the next four months, to help me keep in my mind the qualities I’m looking for in our next President.
You may want to, also.
"Here's my strategy on the Cold War: We win, they lose." - Ronald Reagan
"The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help."
- Ronald Reagan
"The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they're ignorant; it's just that they know so much that isn't so." - Ronald Reagan
"Of the four wars in my lifetime, none came about because the U.S. was too strong." - Ronald Reagan
"I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress." - Ronald Reagan
"The taxpayer: That's someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take the civil service examination." - Ronald Reagan
"Government is like a baby: An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other." - Ronald Reagan
"The nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth is a government program." - Ronald Reagan
"I've laid down the law, though, to everyone from now on about anything that happens: no matter what time it is, wake me, even if it's in the middle of a Cabinet meeting." - Ronald Reagan
"It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first."
- Ronald Reagan
"Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it."
- Ronald Reagan
"Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed, there are many rewards; if you disgrace yourself, you can always write a book." - Ronald Reagan
"No arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is as formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women."
- Ronald Reagan
"If we ever forget that we're one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under." - Ronald Reagan
I hope you’ll be paying attention for the next four months to help make a good decision when our primaries roll around next year. Your personal decision will help determine the winner of our state’s primary…. our state’s choice will very likely help determine the next President… and our next President will very likely determine the kind of world we leave to future generations.
Let’s choose carefully.
For the next four months, we in South Carolina are going to be deluged with messages from a lot of people who want to be the next President of the United States.
We’ve already seen them quite a bit, but we’re going to be seeing them even more. The reason is that our state’s Presidential Primary election is considered one of the most important primaries in the nation. Ours is the first primary in the South, and it sets the stage for others, creating enormous “momentum” for the Palmetto State winner.
In fact, since the creation of the SC Republican Primary in 1980, the candidate who won our state has ultimately become the standard-bearer for the Republicans in every single case… and winning South Carolina is considered to be a major catalyst toward that nomination every single time.
The state’s Democrat Primary, established four years ago, is considered equally important in choosing that party’s nominee.
I, myself, have a little history with our primary over the years. I’ve directed a couple of presidential campaigns in our state (neither of which actually resulted in electing a President), and have been peripherally involved with others. And, back in the mid-80’s (back when I was much younger and “involved” in our state’s Republican Party, I was the “Chairman of the Rules Committee”, a position which, in my own mind, was at the same level as, say, Director of the CIA, or the Commissioner of Baseball), I inserted a new rule which created our state’s primary as the permanent fixture it has become.
During the last year, I’ve had very pleasant conversations with most of the GOP candidates or their campaigns, and some have even made generous offers for my “professional assistance”… despite the fact that my track record of electing Presidents is an astounding 0-and-forever.
As it turns out, I like them all, and frankly, haven’t yet decided which one I like best. I HAVE decided, however, that I’m too old to be directing anybody’s presidential campaign, which is a very demanding, time-intensive, all-consuming way to make a buck. Especially when you have to drop everything else and devote six or eight months to it.
Sooner or later, I’ll probably weigh-in on my personal choice, and let you know why I’m doing so. In the meantime, I’m watching and listening, like the rest of the Sandlappers, to try to cut through the political clutter and make my decision as to which of these individuals is the best choice to be the next leader of the free world.
Last week, while going through some old files, I came across a document that might help me make my decision. I’m not sure where I got this, but it’s a list of some of President Ronald Reagan’s most memorable quotes.
For me, these quotes sort of sum up exactly who Reagan was, what he stood for, his sense of humor and ability to communicate, and how he became the greatest president of the generation by restoring a nation which had lost its way to greatness.
I’m going to keep reading these quotes from time to time over the next four months, to help me keep in my mind the qualities I’m looking for in our next President.
You may want to, also.
"Here's my strategy on the Cold War: We win, they lose." - Ronald Reagan
"The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help."
- Ronald Reagan
"The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they're ignorant; it's just that they know so much that isn't so." - Ronald Reagan
"Of the four wars in my lifetime, none came about because the U.S. was too strong." - Ronald Reagan
"I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress." - Ronald Reagan
"The taxpayer: That's someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take the civil service examination." - Ronald Reagan
"Government is like a baby: An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other." - Ronald Reagan
"The nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth is a government program." - Ronald Reagan
"I've laid down the law, though, to everyone from now on about anything that happens: no matter what time it is, wake me, even if it's in the middle of a Cabinet meeting." - Ronald Reagan
"It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first."
- Ronald Reagan
"Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it."
- Ronald Reagan
"Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed, there are many rewards; if you disgrace yourself, you can always write a book." - Ronald Reagan
"No arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is as formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women."
- Ronald Reagan
"If we ever forget that we're one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under." - Ronald Reagan
I hope you’ll be paying attention for the next four months to help make a good decision when our primaries roll around next year. Your personal decision will help determine the winner of our state’s primary…. our state’s choice will very likely help determine the next President… and our next President will very likely determine the kind of world we leave to future generations.
Let’s choose carefully.
Monday, September 10, 2007
Remember September 11th
This week marks the sixth anniversary of the 9/11 attacks on America.
Though the passage of time has begun to cloud the collective consciousness of our nation, it is important that we not forget that we are still engaged in a war to protect our homeland against terrorism.
Four days after the attack in 2001, I first published the following article. I am reprinting this column this week in hopes it helps remind us of the challenges which are still faced by our nation and all Americans, and the efforts we must ALL put forth to win this war.
Eleven Ways Every American Can Help Win This War
In addition to my role as a newspaper publisher (and occasional writer), I have also spent much of my adult life as a political campaign manager and consultant. In virtually every political campaign, there are supporters who ask, “What can I do to help?” Over the years, I have learned to reduce campaign strategies to a list of simple tasks which any individual can do to help.
Since September 11th, I have heard that same question being asked over and over: “What can I do to help?” This time, however, it is not a political campaign, but a far more serious matter. All Americans seem united in their desire to help. We ALL want to do something to help with the relief efforts and to avenge this cowardly attack on our nation. But we are frustrated because there seems to be little we can do.
Indeed, our President and military leaders have a difficult job ahead as they choose the correct path to fight our hidden foes, some of whom may well be living among us. The war ahead is unlike any war history has ever recorded, and the objectives are still unclear. But, even as our nation’s military strategies are still unfolding, there are ways every individual American can and should help to win the war ahead of us. Here are my suggestions:
1. Give. Give money, give blood, and give food to the relief efforts for the victims of the first attack of this war. Donate to the American Red Cross, the Salvation Army, or any of the hundreds of other relief efforts which are collecting needed money or supplies. And keep giving when future needs arise, as they most surely will. This war we must fight to prevent future attacks on America will be long and costly. Every American must be prepared to give.
2. Help keep our nation’s economy strong. Continue to make purchases as you normally would. Continue to invest in the businesses which are the economic backbone of the most powerful nation in the history of the world. Hold the investments you already own, and wisely invest in those industries which have suffered temporary setbacks due to the September 11th attack. America’s air transportation, travel, financial and insurance industries will bounce back strong… and our confidence in them will help them regain their strength even faster.
3. Conserve fuel to weaken our enemies’ economy. If we conserve fuel, their oil industry will suffer. We in America have the inventiveness to develop power sources which can eventually make their oil unneeded. We already have the technology for alternative power sources, and now we will certainly develop them. In the meantime, we should cut off our enemies’ money supply by no longer using their oil.
4. Fly the flag. Flying the Red, White and Blue is more than symbolic support. It helps boost the morale of our entire nation. More importantly, displaying our unbridled patriotism and determination sends a strong message to the world that could help sway “neutral” countries to support our cause. The world must understand that all America is united, and the sleeping giant has been awakened. Every American can help by proudly showing our colors.
5. Wear a confident smile… and offer an encouraging word to everyone you meet. Attitude is infectious, and it is important that our national attitude remain positive, even in the face of depressing news. During World War II, Churchill’s “V for Victory” and Roosevelt’s pre-war words, “We have nothing to fear but fear itself”, boosted our attitudes and made a difference in the war effort. In the days following the September 11th attack, a counselor friend of mine described incidents of “misplaced anger” between acquaintances. A cheerful comment to a friend or a total stranger will help alleviate the tension, frustration and anger that all Americans feel inside.
6. Help make America more productive. Work a little harder or a little longer at your job, or find ways to be more efficient. Every little bit of extra effort makes your company more productive, which increases our national output. When our national output, productivity and profitability are increased, there are more tax dollars available to support the war effort. If every American increased his or her daily productivity by just15 minutes, our government would have many billions of extra tax dollars to help win the war.
7. Volunteer in your community. Even if your volunteer activities don’t seem related to the war effort, they probably are. Most volunteer activities help solve local or national problems. When these problems are handled by volunteer efforts instead of by government, tax dollars are saved. So when you volunteer to pick up litter, help in the schools, raise money for cancer research, feed the homeless, shelter stray animals, or help with any other volunteer activity, you are making it easier for the government to devote tax dollars to the war and relief efforts. As our nation prepares for war, it is more important than ever that we give our volunteer efforts to strengthen our communities and our nation.
8. Pass along your patriotism. There are many, many young people who do not understand patriotism the way we do, because they were not taught the way we were. The abundances of our great nation have distracted us from teaching our children how that abundance is possible. Our younger generation needs to understand the greatness of America to fully appreciate the blessings of liberty. Let us teach our children patriotism, and instill in them the values which will give them strength to endure a war which they may someday be forced to help fight.
9. Prepare yourself. Make yourself a better, stronger person. Prepare yourself mentally, physically and emotionally for a war we cannot predict. This is a different kind of war -- unlike any war we have fought before – and we cannot rely on the military alone. We have already seen that the enemy may be among us. EVERY true American must be prepared for the unexpected with stronger, healthier minds and bodies. The battles in this war could be fought with computers, or with hand-to-hand combat, or with biological warfare, or tactics not yet conceived. Every battle is won before it is fought. When we prepare ourselves, we help win the war.
10. Meet your neighbors. And get to know them well. One of America’s greatest strengths is our cultural diversity. It is critical that we not let that diversity divide us in this time of crisis. We can best protect ourselves from divisiveness by becoming closer: Meet your neighbors, especially those who may seem “different” than yourself; communicate with them and get to know them; and understand that their love of America is the same as yours. And, by communicating with our fellow Americans who share our patriotism, we will help officials isolate those few who do not.
11. Reaffirm your faith. Pray. Pray for our President, our nation and our world. The September 11th attack was aimed not only at our nation, but also at our faith. The war we must now wage is more than a battle of nations: It is a battle of good versus evil, a battle to stand up for the Judeo-Christian beliefs which formed the basis of our nation. We must reaffirm that faith as individuals and as a nation. With God, we cannot fail; without God, we cannot succeed. The power of prayer can defeat any foe.
And one more special thing you can do to help win the war….
Be a leader. In every war, leadership makes the difference. In this new kind of war, we cannot rely totally on military leaders or government leaders. We must have leaders throughout our land to inspire our nation. You can be a leader in your community, your church, your workplace, or your classroom. You can be a leader on your block or in your home. When you inspire others to do the 11 things listed here, you are a leader, and your leadership will help us win this war.
By Rod Shealy, Sr.
first published September 15, 2001
Though the passage of time has begun to cloud the collective consciousness of our nation, it is important that we not forget that we are still engaged in a war to protect our homeland against terrorism.
Four days after the attack in 2001, I first published the following article. I am reprinting this column this week in hopes it helps remind us of the challenges which are still faced by our nation and all Americans, and the efforts we must ALL put forth to win this war.
Eleven Ways Every American Can Help Win This War
In addition to my role as a newspaper publisher (and occasional writer), I have also spent much of my adult life as a political campaign manager and consultant. In virtually every political campaign, there are supporters who ask, “What can I do to help?” Over the years, I have learned to reduce campaign strategies to a list of simple tasks which any individual can do to help.
Since September 11th, I have heard that same question being asked over and over: “What can I do to help?” This time, however, it is not a political campaign, but a far more serious matter. All Americans seem united in their desire to help. We ALL want to do something to help with the relief efforts and to avenge this cowardly attack on our nation. But we are frustrated because there seems to be little we can do.
Indeed, our President and military leaders have a difficult job ahead as they choose the correct path to fight our hidden foes, some of whom may well be living among us. The war ahead is unlike any war history has ever recorded, and the objectives are still unclear. But, even as our nation’s military strategies are still unfolding, there are ways every individual American can and should help to win the war ahead of us. Here are my suggestions:
1. Give. Give money, give blood, and give food to the relief efforts for the victims of the first attack of this war. Donate to the American Red Cross, the Salvation Army, or any of the hundreds of other relief efforts which are collecting needed money or supplies. And keep giving when future needs arise, as they most surely will. This war we must fight to prevent future attacks on America will be long and costly. Every American must be prepared to give.
2. Help keep our nation’s economy strong. Continue to make purchases as you normally would. Continue to invest in the businesses which are the economic backbone of the most powerful nation in the history of the world. Hold the investments you already own, and wisely invest in those industries which have suffered temporary setbacks due to the September 11th attack. America’s air transportation, travel, financial and insurance industries will bounce back strong… and our confidence in them will help them regain their strength even faster.
3. Conserve fuel to weaken our enemies’ economy. If we conserve fuel, their oil industry will suffer. We in America have the inventiveness to develop power sources which can eventually make their oil unneeded. We already have the technology for alternative power sources, and now we will certainly develop them. In the meantime, we should cut off our enemies’ money supply by no longer using their oil.
4. Fly the flag. Flying the Red, White and Blue is more than symbolic support. It helps boost the morale of our entire nation. More importantly, displaying our unbridled patriotism and determination sends a strong message to the world that could help sway “neutral” countries to support our cause. The world must understand that all America is united, and the sleeping giant has been awakened. Every American can help by proudly showing our colors.
5. Wear a confident smile… and offer an encouraging word to everyone you meet. Attitude is infectious, and it is important that our national attitude remain positive, even in the face of depressing news. During World War II, Churchill’s “V for Victory” and Roosevelt’s pre-war words, “We have nothing to fear but fear itself”, boosted our attitudes and made a difference in the war effort. In the days following the September 11th attack, a counselor friend of mine described incidents of “misplaced anger” between acquaintances. A cheerful comment to a friend or a total stranger will help alleviate the tension, frustration and anger that all Americans feel inside.
6. Help make America more productive. Work a little harder or a little longer at your job, or find ways to be more efficient. Every little bit of extra effort makes your company more productive, which increases our national output. When our national output, productivity and profitability are increased, there are more tax dollars available to support the war effort. If every American increased his or her daily productivity by just15 minutes, our government would have many billions of extra tax dollars to help win the war.
7. Volunteer in your community. Even if your volunteer activities don’t seem related to the war effort, they probably are. Most volunteer activities help solve local or national problems. When these problems are handled by volunteer efforts instead of by government, tax dollars are saved. So when you volunteer to pick up litter, help in the schools, raise money for cancer research, feed the homeless, shelter stray animals, or help with any other volunteer activity, you are making it easier for the government to devote tax dollars to the war and relief efforts. As our nation prepares for war, it is more important than ever that we give our volunteer efforts to strengthen our communities and our nation.
8. Pass along your patriotism. There are many, many young people who do not understand patriotism the way we do, because they were not taught the way we were. The abundances of our great nation have distracted us from teaching our children how that abundance is possible. Our younger generation needs to understand the greatness of America to fully appreciate the blessings of liberty. Let us teach our children patriotism, and instill in them the values which will give them strength to endure a war which they may someday be forced to help fight.
9. Prepare yourself. Make yourself a better, stronger person. Prepare yourself mentally, physically and emotionally for a war we cannot predict. This is a different kind of war -- unlike any war we have fought before – and we cannot rely on the military alone. We have already seen that the enemy may be among us. EVERY true American must be prepared for the unexpected with stronger, healthier minds and bodies. The battles in this war could be fought with computers, or with hand-to-hand combat, or with biological warfare, or tactics not yet conceived. Every battle is won before it is fought. When we prepare ourselves, we help win the war.
10. Meet your neighbors. And get to know them well. One of America’s greatest strengths is our cultural diversity. It is critical that we not let that diversity divide us in this time of crisis. We can best protect ourselves from divisiveness by becoming closer: Meet your neighbors, especially those who may seem “different” than yourself; communicate with them and get to know them; and understand that their love of America is the same as yours. And, by communicating with our fellow Americans who share our patriotism, we will help officials isolate those few who do not.
11. Reaffirm your faith. Pray. Pray for our President, our nation and our world. The September 11th attack was aimed not only at our nation, but also at our faith. The war we must now wage is more than a battle of nations: It is a battle of good versus evil, a battle to stand up for the Judeo-Christian beliefs which formed the basis of our nation. We must reaffirm that faith as individuals and as a nation. With God, we cannot fail; without God, we cannot succeed. The power of prayer can defeat any foe.
And one more special thing you can do to help win the war….
Be a leader. In every war, leadership makes the difference. In this new kind of war, we cannot rely totally on military leaders or government leaders. We must have leaders throughout our land to inspire our nation. You can be a leader in your community, your church, your workplace, or your classroom. You can be a leader on your block or in your home. When you inspire others to do the 11 things listed here, you are a leader, and your leadership will help us win this war.
By Rod Shealy, Sr.
first published September 15, 2001
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
Food for Thought
I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about food lately. Not eating it. Just thinking about it.
Since I’ve been in a weight-loss competition for the last few weeks, almost EVERYTHING is off my diet…. and it sure looks good!!!
For those who have not been keeping up, there are 17 of us Blubber Boys who are engaged in a 3-month competition, and each of us has put $100 in the pot as an incentive.
The winner(s) gets the money. I’m planning on that being me.
In the meantime, however, I’m getting hungry.
It doesn’t help any that my friends… excuse me, former friends… seem to take great joy taunting me with jelly donuts and the like… just to add to my misery. I expected words of encouragement, and instead, I get taunts and jeers.
“Hey, Rod-Boy…. Would you like a slice of steaming hot PIZZZZZAAAA?! Yummmm.”
I’ve also gotten a lot of emails concerning my quest for a sub-40 inch belt-size, mostly because these people don’t have time to taunt and jeer in person.
A few readers have actually tried to offer helpful advice, such as Chris Carney, himself a successful dieter, who gave us a few pointers on how to make it happen. But not before zapping us with this observation:
“It was such a glorious irony to hear that your newly found club-for-dieters held it's initial meeting at a restaurant,” he wrote. “Of all places...not a public park or an exercise facility, but a restaurant.”
Then there were other who passed along their attempts at humor via the electric email.
Steve Jarrell told us of a medical study he had recently come across, which reached the following observations and conclusions:
1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. Africans drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
An E. Shealy in Lexington passed along this exercise plan which seems promising.
It’s called “Exercise for Older Adults”:
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.) After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.
Thanks, Mom.
Then there were a couple of other weight loss and fitness tales emailed (which I will protect the identity of the senders to protect them from being locked up for “No Sense of Humor Whatsoever”.)
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?"
"Twenty-six," he said.
And then there was this little weight loss humor, which frankly, seems a lot more like a blonde joke to me:
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”
"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
"No, from skipping."
And, finally, there was this “humorous” offering from a wiseacre who I frankly think went too far. He went beyond weight loss humor into medical humor, and I’m not sure if he was sending me a message or not:
A patient is at the doctor’s office to get results from recent tests. The doctor walks in and says, “I’ve got some good news and some bad news”.
The patient replies, “Give me the good news first.”
The doctor says, “They’re going to name a disease after you.”
So thanks to all of my former friends for the encouragement during my weight loss competition. (Not you, Mom.)
And now, readers, I’ve got some good news and some bad news: I’ll be back with another column next week. (And I’ll leave you to figure out whether that’s the4 good news or the bad news.)
Since I’ve been in a weight-loss competition for the last few weeks, almost EVERYTHING is off my diet…. and it sure looks good!!!
For those who have not been keeping up, there are 17 of us Blubber Boys who are engaged in a 3-month competition, and each of us has put $100 in the pot as an incentive.
The winner(s) gets the money. I’m planning on that being me.
In the meantime, however, I’m getting hungry.
It doesn’t help any that my friends… excuse me, former friends… seem to take great joy taunting me with jelly donuts and the like… just to add to my misery. I expected words of encouragement, and instead, I get taunts and jeers.
“Hey, Rod-Boy…. Would you like a slice of steaming hot PIZZZZZAAAA?! Yummmm.”
I’ve also gotten a lot of emails concerning my quest for a sub-40 inch belt-size, mostly because these people don’t have time to taunt and jeer in person.
A few readers have actually tried to offer helpful advice, such as Chris Carney, himself a successful dieter, who gave us a few pointers on how to make it happen. But not before zapping us with this observation:
“It was such a glorious irony to hear that your newly found club-for-dieters held it's initial meeting at a restaurant,” he wrote. “Of all places...not a public park or an exercise facility, but a restaurant.”
Then there were other who passed along their attempts at humor via the electric email.
Steve Jarrell told us of a medical study he had recently come across, which reached the following observations and conclusions:
1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. Africans drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
An E. Shealy in Lexington passed along this exercise plan which seems promising.
It’s called “Exercise for Older Adults”:
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.) After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.
Thanks, Mom.
Then there were a couple of other weight loss and fitness tales emailed (which I will protect the identity of the senders to protect them from being locked up for “No Sense of Humor Whatsoever”.)
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?"
"Twenty-six," he said.
And then there was this little weight loss humor, which frankly, seems a lot more like a blonde joke to me:
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”
"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
"No, from skipping."
And, finally, there was this “humorous” offering from a wiseacre who I frankly think went too far. He went beyond weight loss humor into medical humor, and I’m not sure if he was sending me a message or not:
A patient is at the doctor’s office to get results from recent tests. The doctor walks in and says, “I’ve got some good news and some bad news”.
The patient replies, “Give me the good news first.”
The doctor says, “They’re going to name a disease after you.”
So thanks to all of my former friends for the encouragement during my weight loss competition. (Not you, Mom.)
And now, readers, I’ve got some good news and some bad news: I’ll be back with another column next week. (And I’ll leave you to figure out whether that’s the4 good news or the bad news.)
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Fifth Week of the Month
Often times, when we publish a fifth issue of the month, I use the occasion to publish random thoughts, isolated ideas, and tidbits on various topics. (We publish this newspaper on Thursdays, you may know, which approximately four times a year causes us to have a month with five issues. It’s a great opportunity to do a little clean up.) This is one of those times.
Earlier this month, I offered my idea of changing the name of the month of “August” to “Elvis”. I think it’s catching on… I’ve heard chatter. Watch for congressional action any day now… or, at least, a petition-drive from “the people”. (I’m a little surprised the drive hasn’t already started spontaneously across the land. It’s just such a good idea.)
If we’re going to rename a month, someone suggested, shouldn’t we also update the names of the days of the week? I think that’s another fine and useful idea: We should rename some of the days of the week, especially those that begin with the same first letter.
“Tuesday” and “Thursday” both begin with letter “T”. How confusing is that? Couldn’t we just give one of them a different name, maybe something that starts with a “V” or a “J” (both very fine letters, but vastly under-used).
“Saturday” and “Sunday” also both start with the same letter, but since it’s the weekend, they could probably stay the same, because the weekend is really like one long day anyway.
If anybody wants to undertake the mission of renaming the days of the week, here are a couple of other suggestions:
1. Why not start completely over, and arrange the names alphabetically, which would help when computer programs are trying to sort by day of the week.
2. Why not sell names, like sponsorships of sporting events. Corporate America would pay BIG BUCKS to have a day of the week named for them: Billions. Can you even imagine how much The Donald would pay to have “Friday” renamed “Trumpday”? It could lower the national tax rate.
Those are my suggestions, but someone else will have to take up the mantle on this campaign, because I’m devoting my efforts to the month of “Elvis”
Now on to the weather… Has it been hot enough for you?
Our recent string of 100+ degree days has left a lot of people scratching their heads, wondering if it’s the effect of global warming. Here’s the answer: Yeah, the globe is warming. However, I still seriously doubt that we humans have made much of a dent on Mother Nature. (Truth is, in the big picture, we aren’t that big of a deal... we humans.) It was probably going to warm up regardless, kinda like the Ice Age managed to come and go without us.
Still, I do think from time to time about The Rainbow from Noah’s Ark. After the Lord washed most of humankind away to start over, he promised “never again”… but he was referring specifically to a flood. Overheating us out of existence is still permissible, because of that loophole. And if the Lord took a look around these days and decided he wanted to wipe out the human race, who could blame him?
I suggest we each say a little prayer that this is not what’s going on here with this heat wave.
But it has been HOT! Too hot to do anything. I’m thinking that’s why nobody has started knocking on doors with the “August to Elvis” petitions yet.
Random Topic Number Three: My weight loss competition.
I’m proud to report that I dropped eight pounds in the first week or so. I know this because my pal Jim Miles dropped in last week, and we held a mini-weigh-in. He was down seven, I was down eight, based on the Ronco Scale-a-Matic that we were using.
The contest is, of course, a three-month weight-loss competition between 17 local hefties, each of whom put $100 in the pot, with the winner(s) taking it all. We are now beginning week three of the marathon.
Last week, I announced an award for whomever guessed closest to the total combined weight of the 17 contestants in the weight loss competition. I’ll announce that winner next week.
But I also want to give you another chance to win a $25 Gift Certificate with another contest. I want to see who can come the closest to matching up the 17 contestants with their 17 beginning weights.
Following are the 17 weights, in descending order, followed by the names of the 17 contestants, in semi-alphabetical order (dyslexic version). How many can you correctly match up?
The beginning weights:
Four of ‘em topped 300 pounds: 331 lbs., 316 lbs., 312 lbs., and 302 lbs.;
Six were in the upper 200’s: 292 lbs., 285 lbs., 279 lbs., 273 lbs., 264 lbs. and 263 lbs.;
And the remaining contestants weighed in between 200-250: 245 lbs.; 237 lbs., 235 lbs., 234 lbs., two at 225 lbs., and 210 lbs.
Now, here are the contestants, in no particular order:
Former GOP Executive Director Scott Malyerck; Insurance Magnate Terry Campbell; State Senator Jake Knotts; Stan "The Man" Bowen; Ricky “Rubi” Wingard of Econo-Bug and LHS Roundball fame; R.J. Shealy (that’s Junior); former Secretary of State Jim Miles; Leesville Transport Professional Gerald Head; Irmo Town Councilman Barry "Fatback" Walker; ETV’s Andy Gobeil; Judge Brian Jeffcoat; Douglas Adam; A. L. Wingard; Kirk Luther, my business-partner; Lexington Town Councilman Danny Frazier; copywriter supreme Tim Kelly; and Yours Truly, your publisher: Rod-Boy.
Simply send me an email guessing which weight matches up with which of these
Colossal Contestants. Send it to RodShealy@aol.com. Whoever gets the most correct wins the prize!!!
Incidentally, since we’ve now published each of the seventeen individual weights, it’s too late to enter your guess in the “Guess the Combined Weight” contest – except for Clemson fans. (Y’all can still keep trying to guess.)
Hey! It’s football season. Go Cocks!
Earlier this month, I offered my idea of changing the name of the month of “August” to “Elvis”. I think it’s catching on… I’ve heard chatter. Watch for congressional action any day now… or, at least, a petition-drive from “the people”. (I’m a little surprised the drive hasn’t already started spontaneously across the land. It’s just such a good idea.)
If we’re going to rename a month, someone suggested, shouldn’t we also update the names of the days of the week? I think that’s another fine and useful idea: We should rename some of the days of the week, especially those that begin with the same first letter.
“Tuesday” and “Thursday” both begin with letter “T”. How confusing is that? Couldn’t we just give one of them a different name, maybe something that starts with a “V” or a “J” (both very fine letters, but vastly under-used).
“Saturday” and “Sunday” also both start with the same letter, but since it’s the weekend, they could probably stay the same, because the weekend is really like one long day anyway.
If anybody wants to undertake the mission of renaming the days of the week, here are a couple of other suggestions:
1. Why not start completely over, and arrange the names alphabetically, which would help when computer programs are trying to sort by day of the week.
2. Why not sell names, like sponsorships of sporting events. Corporate America would pay BIG BUCKS to have a day of the week named for them: Billions. Can you even imagine how much The Donald would pay to have “Friday” renamed “Trumpday”? It could lower the national tax rate.
Those are my suggestions, but someone else will have to take up the mantle on this campaign, because I’m devoting my efforts to the month of “Elvis”
Now on to the weather… Has it been hot enough for you?
Our recent string of 100+ degree days has left a lot of people scratching their heads, wondering if it’s the effect of global warming. Here’s the answer: Yeah, the globe is warming. However, I still seriously doubt that we humans have made much of a dent on Mother Nature. (Truth is, in the big picture, we aren’t that big of a deal... we humans.) It was probably going to warm up regardless, kinda like the Ice Age managed to come and go without us.
Still, I do think from time to time about The Rainbow from Noah’s Ark. After the Lord washed most of humankind away to start over, he promised “never again”… but he was referring specifically to a flood. Overheating us out of existence is still permissible, because of that loophole. And if the Lord took a look around these days and decided he wanted to wipe out the human race, who could blame him?
I suggest we each say a little prayer that this is not what’s going on here with this heat wave.
But it has been HOT! Too hot to do anything. I’m thinking that’s why nobody has started knocking on doors with the “August to Elvis” petitions yet.
Random Topic Number Three: My weight loss competition.
I’m proud to report that I dropped eight pounds in the first week or so. I know this because my pal Jim Miles dropped in last week, and we held a mini-weigh-in. He was down seven, I was down eight, based on the Ronco Scale-a-Matic that we were using.
The contest is, of course, a three-month weight-loss competition between 17 local hefties, each of whom put $100 in the pot, with the winner(s) taking it all. We are now beginning week three of the marathon.
Last week, I announced an award for whomever guessed closest to the total combined weight of the 17 contestants in the weight loss competition. I’ll announce that winner next week.
But I also want to give you another chance to win a $25 Gift Certificate with another contest. I want to see who can come the closest to matching up the 17 contestants with their 17 beginning weights.
Following are the 17 weights, in descending order, followed by the names of the 17 contestants, in semi-alphabetical order (dyslexic version). How many can you correctly match up?
The beginning weights:
Four of ‘em topped 300 pounds: 331 lbs., 316 lbs., 312 lbs., and 302 lbs.;
Six were in the upper 200’s: 292 lbs., 285 lbs., 279 lbs., 273 lbs., 264 lbs. and 263 lbs.;
And the remaining contestants weighed in between 200-250: 245 lbs.; 237 lbs., 235 lbs., 234 lbs., two at 225 lbs., and 210 lbs.
Now, here are the contestants, in no particular order:
Former GOP Executive Director Scott Malyerck; Insurance Magnate Terry Campbell; State Senator Jake Knotts; Stan "The Man" Bowen; Ricky “Rubi” Wingard of Econo-Bug and LHS Roundball fame; R.J. Shealy (that’s Junior); former Secretary of State Jim Miles; Leesville Transport Professional Gerald Head; Irmo Town Councilman Barry "Fatback" Walker; ETV’s Andy Gobeil; Judge Brian Jeffcoat; Douglas Adam; A. L. Wingard; Kirk Luther, my business-partner; Lexington Town Councilman Danny Frazier; copywriter supreme Tim Kelly; and Yours Truly, your publisher: Rod-Boy.
Simply send me an email guessing which weight matches up with which of these
Colossal Contestants. Send it to RodShealy@aol.com. Whoever gets the most correct wins the prize!!!
Incidentally, since we’ve now published each of the seventeen individual weights, it’s too late to enter your guess in the “Guess the Combined Weight” contest – except for Clemson fans. (Y’all can still keep trying to guess.)
Hey! It’s football season. Go Cocks!
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Candy from a Baby
Regular readers of this column will recall that I recently put out an open invitation for a few stout-hearted friends to join me in my next weight-loss competition. (Okay, not necessarily stout-hearted… just stout!)
You may remember that I had come to the realization during my recent class reunion – at which several of my classmates observed me on the dance floor and later asked me how I did “that jiggle move” –that I’ve let my stylish-figure slip a little, resulting in a body-fat-ratio that medical doctors refer to as being a “hippo-pig-whale”.
So the call went out for a competition. Eating a proper diet is not my strong suit – I like taters, and lots of ‘em, the greasier the better -- and the thought of exercise is so objectionable to me that I can’t even watch it on those early morning cable TV infomercials. But competition… that’s another story.
As a full-fledged red-blooded American, I thrive on competition. It’s what we do in the USA. You know, like when our hockey team beat the Ruskies in the Olympics a decade or two ago. Or NASCAR, when Little-E is battling the Evil Jeff Gordon. Or the WWF when… well, not so much the WWF, I guess.
As for me, competition is in my blood. In grammar school, when the other kids were dreading a pop quiz, I saw it as a challenge: a competition with the teacher. Granted, the teacher usually won, but it was good sport, nonetheless. (And don’t even get me started if there was a spelling bee.)
I have learned over the years that the ONLY way I can lose weight is to make a competition out of it. For me, that’s all it takes. If I can find just a few people to give me a challenge, I’m golden.
So the challenge went out a few weeks ago, and sixteen very naïve, even gullible, amateur contestants from round the Midlands answered my call. Very foolishly, I might add. As if there is even the slightest possibility that any of them – other than Yours Truly – might have a chance.
The whole gang met last Tuesday at the Sunset Restaurant in West Columbia for our last meal before heading down the street to C.C. Vaughn Scales for the official beginning weigh-in. (You can actually see video of that now famous Buffet of the Big Bellies on the Internet by checking out YouTube, or visiting my blog at: www.doingthefirst.blogspot.com )
Each of the Super-Sized Seventeen put $100 into a pot, which will be split by the two winners, to be determined by the “Most Pounds Lost” and the “Largest Percentage of Weight Lost” during the three month (13 week) contest period. In reality, of course, there will only be one winner – Yours Truly – who will prevail in BOTH categories, and walk away with ALL the loot. (And when I say “walk away”, I really mean “half-trot/half-jog”, which is what people do when they lose as much weight as I’m going to lose.)
Now, I know there are those who say all my bluster is merely false bravado: an effort to psyche out the other competitors. But I ask you, would I do that? Would I? (In my years of competition, I have developed a motto: “If I can’t win fair and square, I don’t want to win fair and square.”)
Not that it matters, but there are sixteen other people in the competition with me, who, for the sake of clarity, we shall refer to as “Runner-ups”. They are: Senator Jake Knotts, Stan "The Man" Bowen, Ricky Wingard, R.J. Shealy (that’s Junior), former Secretary of State Jim Miles, Gerald Head, Irmo Town Councilman Barry "Fatback" Walker, ETV’s Andy Gobeil, Scott Malyerck, Terry Campbell, Brian Jeffcoat, Douglas Adam, A. L. Wingard, Kirk Luther, Lexington Town Councilman Danny Frazier, and Tim Kelly… along with Yours Truly, your publisher.
We’ll talk more about this interesting collection of Out-of-Shape Individuals, and keep you posted with the progress of our little competition (or lack thereof), during the weeks and months ahead.
In the meantime, I thought I’d generate a bit of competition among our readers to get in the spirit. I’ve listed the 17 contestants above, and we’ll publish our individual beginning weights in a few weeks. But first, I want to see who can come the closest to correctly guessing our total beginning weight. (The closest guess will receive a $25 gift certificate.) Send your best guess to me by email, at RodShealy@aol.com, along with any disparaging remarks you wish to make about the group as a whole.
In the meantime, if you run into any of the other contestants (runners-up), tell them Rod said “thanks” for the swell money they’re going to give him.
Like taking candy from a baby.
You may remember that I had come to the realization during my recent class reunion – at which several of my classmates observed me on the dance floor and later asked me how I did “that jiggle move” –that I’ve let my stylish-figure slip a little, resulting in a body-fat-ratio that medical doctors refer to as being a “hippo-pig-whale”.
So the call went out for a competition. Eating a proper diet is not my strong suit – I like taters, and lots of ‘em, the greasier the better -- and the thought of exercise is so objectionable to me that I can’t even watch it on those early morning cable TV infomercials. But competition… that’s another story.
As a full-fledged red-blooded American, I thrive on competition. It’s what we do in the USA. You know, like when our hockey team beat the Ruskies in the Olympics a decade or two ago. Or NASCAR, when Little-E is battling the Evil Jeff Gordon. Or the WWF when… well, not so much the WWF, I guess.
As for me, competition is in my blood. In grammar school, when the other kids were dreading a pop quiz, I saw it as a challenge: a competition with the teacher. Granted, the teacher usually won, but it was good sport, nonetheless. (And don’t even get me started if there was a spelling bee.)
I have learned over the years that the ONLY way I can lose weight is to make a competition out of it. For me, that’s all it takes. If I can find just a few people to give me a challenge, I’m golden.
So the challenge went out a few weeks ago, and sixteen very naïve, even gullible, amateur contestants from round the Midlands answered my call. Very foolishly, I might add. As if there is even the slightest possibility that any of them – other than Yours Truly – might have a chance.
The whole gang met last Tuesday at the Sunset Restaurant in West Columbia for our last meal before heading down the street to C.C. Vaughn Scales for the official beginning weigh-in. (You can actually see video of that now famous Buffet of the Big Bellies on the Internet by checking out YouTube, or visiting my blog at: www.doingthefirst.blogspot.com )
Each of the Super-Sized Seventeen put $100 into a pot, which will be split by the two winners, to be determined by the “Most Pounds Lost” and the “Largest Percentage of Weight Lost” during the three month (13 week) contest period. In reality, of course, there will only be one winner – Yours Truly – who will prevail in BOTH categories, and walk away with ALL the loot. (And when I say “walk away”, I really mean “half-trot/half-jog”, which is what people do when they lose as much weight as I’m going to lose.)
Now, I know there are those who say all my bluster is merely false bravado: an effort to psyche out the other competitors. But I ask you, would I do that? Would I? (In my years of competition, I have developed a motto: “If I can’t win fair and square, I don’t want to win fair and square.”)
Not that it matters, but there are sixteen other people in the competition with me, who, for the sake of clarity, we shall refer to as “Runner-ups”. They are: Senator Jake Knotts, Stan "The Man" Bowen, Ricky Wingard, R.J. Shealy (that’s Junior), former Secretary of State Jim Miles, Gerald Head, Irmo Town Councilman Barry "Fatback" Walker, ETV’s Andy Gobeil, Scott Malyerck, Terry Campbell, Brian Jeffcoat, Douglas Adam, A. L. Wingard, Kirk Luther, Lexington Town Councilman Danny Frazier, and Tim Kelly… along with Yours Truly, your publisher.
We’ll talk more about this interesting collection of Out-of-Shape Individuals, and keep you posted with the progress of our little competition (or lack thereof), during the weeks and months ahead.
In the meantime, I thought I’d generate a bit of competition among our readers to get in the spirit. I’ve listed the 17 contestants above, and we’ll publish our individual beginning weights in a few weeks. But first, I want to see who can come the closest to correctly guessing our total beginning weight. (The closest guess will receive a $25 gift certificate.) Send your best guess to me by email, at RodShealy@aol.com, along with any disparaging remarks you wish to make about the group as a whole.
In the meantime, if you run into any of the other contestants (runners-up), tell them Rod said “thanks” for the swell money they’re going to give him.
Like taking candy from a baby.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Weight Lost Contest August 07
Seventeen contestants gathered at the Sunset Restaurant in West Columbia for their last meal before embarking on a three-month-long weight loss competition. Pictured are Jake Knotts, Stan "The Man" Bowen, Ricky Wingard, R.J. Shealy, Jim Miles, Gerald Head, Barry "Fatback" Walker, Andy Gobeil, Scott Malyerck, Terry Campbell, Brian Jeffcoat, Douglas Adam, A. L. Wingard, and Kirk Luther. Not pictured are Danny Frazier, Tim Kelly, and Yours Truly.
Monday, August 13, 2007
It's Elvis, the 21st
There must be something wrong with me as a columnist. During the nearly 20 years I have been pecking out these semi-regular, quasi-literary gems, I don't recall EVER having written about ELVIS.
How can anyone write newspaper columns for all those years and never mention The King? Especially if you write during the month of August!
August, you know, is right in the middle of what used to be referred to as Dog Days... those hot, listless days in the late summer when nothing much seems to happen. For reporters, Dog Days often meant going on some sort of witch hunt to find something to write about, because nothing newsworthy was ever happening.
But not any more. In the 30 years since the departure from this world of The King of Rock and Roll (or did he?), August has become Elvis is Dead Anniversary Month, and the media have had plenty to write about and broadcast. The media saturation has been perhaps a little heavier than usual this year, since this is the Thirtieth Anniversary (that's pearls if you're buying gifts) of the Unsolved Elvis Mystery.
It has occurred to me that this is not going to stop. It seems to me that Elvis-mania is only getting stronger each August, to the point that it now seems to dominate the airwaves.
Which is why I am offering this very bold proposal, that I believe will have great support throughout America: Let's just change the name of the month from "August" to "Elvis".
August, after all, was named after Augustus Caesar, who lived about 2,000 years ago. Like Elvis, he too was a king, or emperor, or whatever they had in Rome. (I don't know because, in the ninth grade, I chose to take Intro to Typing instead of Western Civilization.)
I imagine Augustus Caesar was very big in his day. They probably painted Velvet Augustus's, and I'm sure over-weight, middle-aged women with big hair and tears streaming through their caked-on, multi-colored makeup visited Cease-land every year after he was gone.
But, that, as they say, is "ancient history". He's like nowheresville today. He's had his millennium... actually two of 'em.
Now we're in a new millennium, and who says we can't do a little touch-up work to the calendar.
I'll bet if we put it on the next Election Day Ballot -- Elvis Presley versus Augustus Caesar, Elvis would win overwhelmingly in every state (with the possible exception of Massachusetts.)
Actually, it's pretty easy to get used to it. Repeat after me: "January, February, March, April, May, June, July, Elvis, September, October..." It sounded natural, didn't it?
Now, let's try a few practical application tests. Try to say a few dates: "Elvis, the tenth... Wednesday, Elvis the eleventh... Today is Elvis twenty-first... Elvis thirtieth, two-thousand seven..." See, it flows pretty well.
Of course, it will take an act of Congress, or perhaps the individual acts of 50 state legislatures, to actually change the name of the month. But that shouldn't present too much of an obstacle. If Elvis fans throughout the land decide they want to change the name of the month, no Congressman in America would be safe from the public pressure.
So there you have it: My bold proposal for 2007.
King, wherever you are, I'm sorry I have neglected to ever write about you before. I hope this makes up for it.
--------------------------
Note from the publisher: Actually, I DID write about Elvis once before… This same column, in fact… ten years ago!!! But, since my “ Elvis” name-change idea didn’t catch on, I thought I’d give it another try. So I just dusted off the old column, updated it a bit and – PRESTO – our first summer re-run!!!! And, this time, it’ll be on the Internet! Maybe now it will catch on!!!!
Another note from the publisher: Happy Birthday, Mom! (Did you think I could write about Elvis and completely forget your birthday? Again?!!!)
--------------------------
You’re always welcome to let me know you agree, disagree, can’t make sense of, or simply don’t care about anything I’ve written here… or about any other topic that happens to be on your mind. You can email me directly at: RodShealy@aol.com.
And, if reading it once just wasn’t enough for you, read it again online – along with previous columns -- at my blog: www.doingthefirst.blogspot.com
How can anyone write newspaper columns for all those years and never mention The King? Especially if you write during the month of August!
August, you know, is right in the middle of what used to be referred to as Dog Days... those hot, listless days in the late summer when nothing much seems to happen. For reporters, Dog Days often meant going on some sort of witch hunt to find something to write about, because nothing newsworthy was ever happening.
But not any more. In the 30 years since the departure from this world of The King of Rock and Roll (or did he?), August has become Elvis is Dead Anniversary Month, and the media have had plenty to write about and broadcast. The media saturation has been perhaps a little heavier than usual this year, since this is the Thirtieth Anniversary (that's pearls if you're buying gifts) of the Unsolved Elvis Mystery.
It has occurred to me that this is not going to stop. It seems to me that Elvis-mania is only getting stronger each August, to the point that it now seems to dominate the airwaves.
Which is why I am offering this very bold proposal, that I believe will have great support throughout America: Let's just change the name of the month from "August" to "Elvis".
August, after all, was named after Augustus Caesar, who lived about 2,000 years ago. Like Elvis, he too was a king, or emperor, or whatever they had in Rome. (I don't know because, in the ninth grade, I chose to take Intro to Typing instead of Western Civilization.)
I imagine Augustus Caesar was very big in his day. They probably painted Velvet Augustus's, and I'm sure over-weight, middle-aged women with big hair and tears streaming through their caked-on, multi-colored makeup visited Cease-land every year after he was gone.
But, that, as they say, is "ancient history". He's like nowheresville today. He's had his millennium... actually two of 'em.
Now we're in a new millennium, and who says we can't do a little touch-up work to the calendar.
I'll bet if we put it on the next Election Day Ballot -- Elvis Presley versus Augustus Caesar, Elvis would win overwhelmingly in every state (with the possible exception of Massachusetts.)
Actually, it's pretty easy to get used to it. Repeat after me: "January, February, March, April, May, June, July, Elvis, September, October..." It sounded natural, didn't it?
Now, let's try a few practical application tests. Try to say a few dates: "Elvis, the tenth... Wednesday, Elvis the eleventh... Today is Elvis twenty-first... Elvis thirtieth, two-thousand seven..." See, it flows pretty well.
Of course, it will take an act of Congress, or perhaps the individual acts of 50 state legislatures, to actually change the name of the month. But that shouldn't present too much of an obstacle. If Elvis fans throughout the land decide they want to change the name of the month, no Congressman in America would be safe from the public pressure.
So there you have it: My bold proposal for 2007.
King, wherever you are, I'm sorry I have neglected to ever write about you before. I hope this makes up for it.
--------------------------
Note from the publisher: Actually, I DID write about Elvis once before… This same column, in fact… ten years ago!!! But, since my “ Elvis” name-change idea didn’t catch on, I thought I’d give it another try. So I just dusted off the old column, updated it a bit and – PRESTO – our first summer re-run!!!! And, this time, it’ll be on the Internet! Maybe now it will catch on!!!!
Another note from the publisher: Happy Birthday, Mom! (Did you think I could write about Elvis and completely forget your birthday? Again?!!!)
--------------------------
You’re always welcome to let me know you agree, disagree, can’t make sense of, or simply don’t care about anything I’ve written here… or about any other topic that happens to be on your mind. You can email me directly at: RodShealy@aol.com.
And, if reading it once just wasn’t enough for you, read it again online – along with previous columns -- at my blog: www.doingthefirst.blogspot.com
Monday, August 6, 2007
I’m a Hippo-Pig-Whale
It was at my recent Lexington High School Class of 1972 Reunion that I came to the stark realization I need to lose a few pounds. (A few, in this case, is 20 or 30… give or take 20 or 30.)
It came to me when I danced a few times during the reunion, and several of my classmates asked me how I did “the jiggle move”.
One thing worse than suffering though the hot, muggy, 100-plus degree days of August in the Heat-Lands of South Carolina is suffering through those same days as a big, fat, giant, hippo-pig-whale… which is precisely what I am currently doing. It’s hot and I’m over-weight. I’m large. I’m a truck. No… a house!
How over-weight am I?
I’m so over-weight, when I was trying to get a tan on the beach last month, a couple of kids tried to drag me back out to sea!
I’ve gotten so big, the Post Office is thinking about giving me my own zip code.
I’m so huge, when I sit around the house, I sit “around the house”. I stepped up on one of those new “talking” scales, and it said: “One at a time, please!” I wore a yellow raincoat, and somebody hollered out “Taxi!”
Here’s the bottom line: I really need to lose some weight.
Losing weight is a simple concept. Everybody knows how. It’s not difficult at all:
Diet and exercise!
Unfortunately, “knowing” and “doing” are two different matters. And frankly, diet and exercise are NOT two of my favorite things.
Strenuous exercise, to me, is walking up and down a flight of stairs every day. On big days, I also walk across the parking lot on the way into a grocery store.
And my diet is even worse. I like meat and taters. Always have, always will. I say a meal without starches is like a bird without feathers. (Ummmmmm… That makes me think of fried chicken! With mashed taters and thick white gravy. Yummy!)
Diet and exercise are not things which come naturally for me, which makes losing weight tough for me.
BUT!!!!! The good-ole All-American Spirit of COMPETITON is something which DOES sort of comes natural for me.
So, whenever I need to lose weight, there’s only one way to have a chance: A contest!
That’s why, last week, I announced that we would organize another weight-loss contest, beginning during August… just like the one we started back in January.
We’re looking for 10 to 20 thick-skinned individuals who don’t mind being subjected to the sort of bare-it-all-to-the-whole-world public humiliation I regularly inflict upon myself in this column. (When I say “thick-skinned”, I’m not merely referring to an extra layer of fat.)
This time, we’re adding a twist: We’re each chipping in $100 -- into the winner-take-all pot -- but half of the winnings will go to a charity designated in advance by each contestant. That way, we each have additional pressure – from our charity group -- to stick with the diet and exercise during the 13 week contest.
Of course, as soon as we kick it off, I’ll be publishing regular updates on our progress, yet another way of putting public pressure on each contestant.
And when it’s all over, I’ll write glowingly about the brilliant tactics, successful strategies, and unrelenting willpower of the eventual winner. (As long as it’s me.)
So far, here are the contestants:
Anchoring the contest along with me will be my business partner Kirk Luther and business associate and eldest offspring, Rod, Jr. Possibly back for return appearances from the January competition – we don’t know for sure, we’ll have to wait and see – are well-known locals like Rob Schoolmeester, Terry Campbell, Norman Agnew, and Bo McDonald.
New contestants who have already signed on to join the fun and misery for health and charity include Irmo Town Councilman and restaurateur Barry “Fatback” Walker; State Senator Jake Knotts, Lexington County Judge Bryan Jeffcoat, former Director of the SC Republican Party Scott Malyerck, and former SC Secretary of State Jim Miles.
Final rules are currently being hammered out by a crack team of legal negotiators, and the official judge for the contest is Lake Murray’s own Dr. Oscar Lovelace, MD, who earned the distinction last week when I ran in to him at a local eatery and he greeted me with a cheery, “Hi, Rod, you really need to lose some weight.”
We’re issuing an open invitation for this weight loss competition. Hopefully, we’ll have 20 or so contestants, meaning the winner and the charity can each walk away with a cool thousand!!!
If you want to join us in this weight loss contest, starting next week, email me at: RodShealy@aol.com.
It came to me when I danced a few times during the reunion, and several of my classmates asked me how I did “the jiggle move”.
One thing worse than suffering though the hot, muggy, 100-plus degree days of August in the Heat-Lands of South Carolina is suffering through those same days as a big, fat, giant, hippo-pig-whale… which is precisely what I am currently doing. It’s hot and I’m over-weight. I’m large. I’m a truck. No… a house!
How over-weight am I?
I’m so over-weight, when I was trying to get a tan on the beach last month, a couple of kids tried to drag me back out to sea!
I’ve gotten so big, the Post Office is thinking about giving me my own zip code.
I’m so huge, when I sit around the house, I sit “around the house”. I stepped up on one of those new “talking” scales, and it said: “One at a time, please!” I wore a yellow raincoat, and somebody hollered out “Taxi!”
Here’s the bottom line: I really need to lose some weight.
Losing weight is a simple concept. Everybody knows how. It’s not difficult at all:
Diet and exercise!
Unfortunately, “knowing” and “doing” are two different matters. And frankly, diet and exercise are NOT two of my favorite things.
Strenuous exercise, to me, is walking up and down a flight of stairs every day. On big days, I also walk across the parking lot on the way into a grocery store.
And my diet is even worse. I like meat and taters. Always have, always will. I say a meal without starches is like a bird without feathers. (Ummmmmm… That makes me think of fried chicken! With mashed taters and thick white gravy. Yummy!)
Diet and exercise are not things which come naturally for me, which makes losing weight tough for me.
BUT!!!!! The good-ole All-American Spirit of COMPETITON is something which DOES sort of comes natural for me.
So, whenever I need to lose weight, there’s only one way to have a chance: A contest!
That’s why, last week, I announced that we would organize another weight-loss contest, beginning during August… just like the one we started back in January.
We’re looking for 10 to 20 thick-skinned individuals who don’t mind being subjected to the sort of bare-it-all-to-the-whole-world public humiliation I regularly inflict upon myself in this column. (When I say “thick-skinned”, I’m not merely referring to an extra layer of fat.)
This time, we’re adding a twist: We’re each chipping in $100 -- into the winner-take-all pot -- but half of the winnings will go to a charity designated in advance by each contestant. That way, we each have additional pressure – from our charity group -- to stick with the diet and exercise during the 13 week contest.
Of course, as soon as we kick it off, I’ll be publishing regular updates on our progress, yet another way of putting public pressure on each contestant.
And when it’s all over, I’ll write glowingly about the brilliant tactics, successful strategies, and unrelenting willpower of the eventual winner. (As long as it’s me.)
So far, here are the contestants:
Anchoring the contest along with me will be my business partner Kirk Luther and business associate and eldest offspring, Rod, Jr. Possibly back for return appearances from the January competition – we don’t know for sure, we’ll have to wait and see – are well-known locals like Rob Schoolmeester, Terry Campbell, Norman Agnew, and Bo McDonald.
New contestants who have already signed on to join the fun and misery for health and charity include Irmo Town Councilman and restaurateur Barry “Fatback” Walker; State Senator Jake Knotts, Lexington County Judge Bryan Jeffcoat, former Director of the SC Republican Party Scott Malyerck, and former SC Secretary of State Jim Miles.
Final rules are currently being hammered out by a crack team of legal negotiators, and the official judge for the contest is Lake Murray’s own Dr. Oscar Lovelace, MD, who earned the distinction last week when I ran in to him at a local eatery and he greeted me with a cheery, “Hi, Rod, you really need to lose some weight.”
We’re issuing an open invitation for this weight loss competition. Hopefully, we’ll have 20 or so contestants, meaning the winner and the charity can each walk away with a cool thousand!!!
If you want to join us in this weight loss contest, starting next week, email me at: RodShealy@aol.com.
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